The sun is shining again…
You know when you watch people’s Instagram stories and they say ‘oh… so many people have asked me to share my daytime makeup routine blah blah’ and you roll your eyes and think ‘yeah, yeah, of course they did’. Well, honestly? So many people have contacted me after reading my posts about discovering the affair, and the aftermath. Not just lovely people who wanted to ask if I was okay, but people saying that they’d recently discovered something similar and had been Googling how to cope and what to do next, and people much further along the line than me, telling me that although it’s cloudy now, the sun will come out again. And do you know what? Seven months on, the sun is shining again. Brighter than it ever did before.
Gaining perspective
Let’s face it, although it was pretty dramatic for me, this wasn’t a life changing experience in the scheme of the world order at the moment. Nobody got ill, nobody died… I still have all the people I care about around me. It feels like the end of the world at the time, but honestly, life goes on. The first month is pretty hideous, but I think once I realised that this person wasn’t a good person and that I was better off without him, things slowly just got better every day - hampered of course by four months of lockdown in the same house with him.
It’s just ‘stuff’
One thing that surprised me was how little I really cared about things that I thought were important to me. Coming to an agreement in mediation became so important, purely because I couldn’t bear to sit in two hour zoom meetings with him for a second longer. I probably could have held out for more money, but it became secondary to taking care of my mental health and happiness. And when it came to him moving out last week and splitting our belongings, I found myself walking around just saying yes to every request, even dismantling beds and packing boxes for him - purely because it was the thing that got me through. At the end of the day, it’s just stuff, isn’t it - sofas, beds and blenders can be replaced. Sanity, happiness and the love and support of bloody amazing people are what’s important.
I’ve also really enjoyed finding that happiness. For me, that means dog walks and baking cookies, cooking recipes I’ve seen on Instagram, massive hugs, rosé in the sun, new nails, fresh cut grass, coconut lattes, freshly washed bedlinen, silly WhatsApp chats and wheezy laughs.
Creating a life just for me
A few months of reflecting about what you really don’t want or need in your life actually brings its own rewards: clarity about what you really do want. I’ve enjoyed writing prompts from the fabulous Sasha at Frank and Feel - questions like ‘how do you want to feel?’ and (late to the party) ‘what’s your word of the year?’ got me chewing my pen and writing great tranches of words that will probably never see the light of day, but everything you enjoy is therapy isn’t it? Oh and regarding that word - what should it be? Recovery? Independence? Confidence? Self-respect?
I look in the mirror now and see someone I really like. I’m kinder to her, and I care that she’s happy and healthy. I’ve forgiven her the crap bits, stopped judging her for the mistakes, and started admiring the softness and the openness instead of seeing them as flaws.
Wishes do come true
When I wrote this post, six months after the affair, I wrote about finding someone new: someone kind and honest. I wanted love and sincerity and to feel adored, secure, loved. I wanted belly laughs and happiness and food and wine and fun, and do you know what? Eight months on, I’m now dating someone new, with all those qualities. It sounds mad, but I truly believe I wished for him and he appeared.
Passing on my life lessons
So if you’re here because you’ve just discovered that your partner is cheating on you and you’re desperate and sad and feeling hideous and rejected, I’m living proof that you should hold your head up high and walk away. You won’t get away with all your dignity intact. You’ll do and say things you’re not proud of, but that’s okay and you need to forgive yourself. You deserve better than someone who lies and deceives, who is angry and arrogant and narcissistic and doesn’t put you first. You deserve honesty and love and laughter and kindness and happiness and belly laughs and breakfast in bed and wine in the sunshine, just like me. It’s all out there waiting for you when you’re ready. And if you’re here because you care about me, thank you. I’m doing more than okay, concentrating on looking forward not back, and the sun really is shining again. xx
Hey Becky…you likely won’t remember me but we met at Gamescom in Germany more years ago than I care to remember. I worked for Xbox at the time and your family came to try out some of the games. I was so impressed with your boys talking to Peter Molyneux about Fable and I thought you were a brilliant Mum and lovely person all round, so I checked in on your blog from time to time (in a non-stalker-ish way, I promise!!). Anyway - suffice to say I’m sorry you’ve had such a shitty time of it. What a git!! I also wanted to say that I found my soulmate after my divorce and we’ve been together five years now… I don’t believe in ‘too late’ or ‘too old’ - but I do wish I’d met him years ago! 🙂 Still, sometimes the reward for getting through the hard times is that you end up with what’s right for you. Stay strong and a big hug to you and your boys. Becky Snazelle x
Becky, I DO remember! I recently chatted to Ryan on Instagram too - all our yesterdays! Ah that was their absolute trip of a lifetime - we often reminisce about it. I hope you’re doing well. I love that you’ve found your soulmate. It’s early days for us but the person I’m dating is kind and sweet and honest, so it’s going well so far. We’re enjoying just meeting for drinks and dinner and getting to know each other, which is so lovely. Thank you SO much for taking the time to comment. It’s lovely to hear from you 🙂
Ah hon! Just read you’re initial post (just filed for divorce myself, Heidi btw), and reading this post made me cry.
I’m older than you, I’m 53, but then that’s just a number. I look and act younger (ex was 9years younger..probably my mistake there), but I vow I will never marry again.
I’d had bad relationships for many years, and spent many single..the best of my life.
Im so glad you are out the other side, and being made to go through lockdown during a split must’ve been horrific!!
Not sure I would’ve packed his boxes though, lol.
Im making sure I get everything I can, financially, as he has a good wage and I dont work.
He’s moved in with his ‘apparently met her on a dog walk, short relationship’ ..just down the road from me.
Yup, tough, as walk past to go to my see my parents!
I know the sun will shine one day, I just have to find somewhere to live, divorce the liar, and get there.
Good luck and wishing you lots of happiness with your new relationship..you deserve it!
H x
It really will shine. Keep the faith, you deserve so much better. Every time you walk past you should thank your lucky stars that you got out alive!! Big love and thank you, that’s lovely of you xx
So pleased to hear all of this. Here’s to the many sunny days ahead. xx
Just wonderful to read Becky. So, so happy for you that you’ve moved on to the next chapter and even met someone who, right now, is just what you need xx
Lovely post. Very happy for you x