Six months after the affair - lessons learned

I’ve been clinging on to words recently: Pinterest quotes, and wise words from incredible women on Instagram like Charlotte @momentaryhappiness, my wonderful OG blogging compadre @natlue and beautiful, kind Sasha @frankandfeel, who, when I told her that her words sometimes keep me going, said ‘I write for an audience of two. Me. And you’. There’s a kind of consolation in reading these quotes and knowing that they reflect either a part of your journey, or the outcome you’re aiming for. My own words, written in a scrappy, brain dump style, tapped out into a blog post I’ll probably never publish, and scribbled in my notebook every day, are just as comforting. I’ve been keeping track of my feelings, as well as recording all the events and milestones as they happen (the divorce petition is IN - woohoo!), and I thought, seeing as it’s exactly six months after the affair, I’d write about a few of the lessons - both painful and positive - that I’ve learned so far.

There are lows, but the highs shine like beacons

I’m not going to lie, things are hard at the moment. I think it’s just part of the process that there are horrible, hideous tough things that make me feel like giving up, but then they’re interspersed with wonderful, amazing moments and feelings that make me long to be freed from this situation and get on with the incredible, bright, happy future that I know is just out of reach at the end of my fingertips.

You cope - you think you won’t, but you do

If I’ve learned anything from all this, it’s that you need to learn to stand up for yourself. You need to believe in yourself - because even when you surround yourself with the most amazing, loving, supportive people, they can’t take the knocks for you. Even more than that, I’ve come to understand that the very reality of what you’re going through is bloody hard for them too. So when you falter and let horrible situations affect you… lose your temper, handle things badly… you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself down and move on with your head held high, knowing that next time you’ll learn and deal with it better.

… and you become the real you

I said this in my last update, but I genuinely feel more me than I have done for years and years, and that feeling has just got stronger and stronger. I’m more confident in myself, care less what other people think of me, and have even had the courage to drop people in my life that I knew weren’t good for me. Natalie Lue told me that ‘betrayal can often end up being an exorcism that leads to rebirth. It forces out every ugly thought you’ve held within, the self-judgement, the lies, and in dealing with the pain, you become more honest. And in turn, you become more you.’

…and because of this, you’re kinder to yourself

At the beginning of all this, I gave myself such a hard time for not being tough enough, for needing people, for confiding and sharing too much. But actually, I’ve realised that my openness, my ‘softness’, if you like, is a great attribute too. It’s part of who I am. I love people - I form bonds really easily and those connections - whether they’re in the form of the deep, unconditional love I have for my children, family and close friends, or the easy chat with instagram pals, have carried me through this: a whole network of hands holding me up and gently moving me forwards. Words are my passion and they’re what I love and I’ll never apologise again for writing my story, or sharing it with people.

… and you learn to forgive yourself

I made stupid decisions. I drank too much. I did and said things I’m not proud of. I didn’t look after myself, and I definitely didn’t see that I was making people who love me worry about me. But that’s over now. Six months after the affair, I’m happy, healthy, full of excitement and love and positive energy. Recovery is ugly, but you have to let it go. The best advice I got was from Erica (it always is). She asked me: ‘if I’d done this, what would you say to me? ‘ and of course I would say ‘you’ve experienced heartbreak and pain like nothing you’ve ever experienced before, and there’s no rule book for how to get through those early days. Be kinder to yourself - you were under unimaginable stress and you made a couple of bad choices. So what?’. As Erica pointed out, ‘never turn on the person that got you through it’. I should be thanking early 2020 Becky - she got me here (fuelled mostly by Chardonnay).

You see that it’s for the best

I’ve had this feeling of ‘lightness’ for a while that I’ve found difficult to put into words, but slowly it’s dawned on me that for months - years - I’d been living with a perpetual low-level stress, from always desperately trying to say the right thing… be the right person, diffuse situations… and that stress has fizzled away, leaving me feeling lighter and ultimately happier. I sleep better, I laugh more, I’m more confident in my own skin.

@frankandfeel on Instagram

…and you finally begin to believe that it really wasn’t your fault

Did I not try hard enough? Did I do the wrong things? Say the wrong things? Did I not look after myself? Not smile enough? One of the things that made me laugh (bitterly) was ‘people don’t know my side of the story’. Your side of the story was that you had an affair. We weren’t perfect. In fact, with hindsight, we were probably over a while ago. But I didn’t cheat. I was loyal.

It doesn’t matter what you did or who you were, the fact that they cheated isn’t your fault. In fact, it had nothing to do with you at all. Eventually, you stop listening because - and I want to shout this from the rooftops - there is no other side of the story.

You start to write your next chapter

I know. I already know what I want. I want kindness, and love, and sincerity and honesty and loyalty. I want to feel adored, secure, loved. I want to be wrapped up in cuddles, showered with kisses… I want to proper belly laugh. I want a happy home - doesn’t have to be a big one - full of love and laughter and food and wine and fun.

@Frankandfeel on Instagram

Everything is a lesson

As my friend Em said recently: ‘hard times often lead to the greatest moments of your life. Keep running. Keep pushing. Everything happens for a reason, and life has a funny way of figuring itself out. When you focus on the good, the good gets better’.