Five months on: a life update

I’ve been thinking a lot about January Becky recently. It breaks my heart to read the blog post I wrote then. Five months on, I feel like a complete different person. With five months of this weird new life under my belt, I can honestly say that I wouldn’t go back to that hideous December day and make it all go away, even if that were possible. With hindsight, you start to see the cracks you papered over - the things that weren’t right - the stuff that I’d never accept in a new relationship, but that seemed completely normal at the time. I stopped going over the old WhatsApp messages long ago, the ‘I’m working late tonight babe’ that broke my heart, but now just make me roll my eyes. It’s all deleted, gone forever. I don’t even miss that life now.

Five months on, I’m genuinely happier than ever (I mean, I would change my living situation, obviously, but you can’t have everything). With Charlie home from uni, we’ve settled into an uneasy politeness. We cook our own meals and do our own washing, but pass the time of day and say hello and goodbye. It’s as much as I’m able to do right now. I’m lucky to be still working on stuff I really love, and I’m spending precious time with my incredible, warm, clever, interesting grown up kids that I would never normally have been lucky enough to have: cooking and eating and drinking and laughing. I’m spending time on myself too: taking time to read and absorb the gentle, calm, thought provoking content of accounts like Sasha @frankandfeel and Amanda @simply.start.living, running to clear my head - that 2 mile PB has never looked better - and loving that my connections with the people I love and cherish - the ones that really matter - have never been stronger. And that’s not just my fabulously loyal and supportive friends and family, it’s those ‘hey love how’re you holding up’ mates that you chat with on Instagram that actually turned out to be incredibly supportive, wonderful friends when I needed them. So many people contacted me after I wrote about what was going on in my life, some sharing their own stories, and I’ve made so many new friendships - it’s been truly lovely to be able to support other people just as much as it has been to be supported.

I feel the effect of all this on the boys. I had to write a supporting statement for Charlie for something to do with his uni work and as I typed: ‘Charlie is the only one still living at home so the stress has mostly fallen on his shoulders.’ it hit me how bloody hard this is for them. The tense atmosphere of this shared house and the fact that he now has no means of escape have been incredibly tough, nevertheless they’re both endlessly kind, supportive and loving.

There are low bits and wobbles too - I’m sure we’re all experiencing them during this weird lockdown period. The day I drove home to find the ‘for sale’ sign outside the house was a tough one. Five months on and I’m starting to think about the future. I’m worried about the financial elements of divorcing, about where I’ll live, what will happen to my job ( who needs a travel journalist right now?), what the future holds… But letting go of your old life forces you to find out what’s really important to you.

I feel like I’ve discovered a whole new me, somehow - maybe who I was years ago before all this began? And actually, I quite like her. I’m a different person - I feel stronger, I care less about what other people think of me - in a lot of ways I’m more confident than I’ve ever been. There’s a sense of weathering a storm and coming out the other side. Someone I’ve known for years sent me a message on Instagram recently and said ‘I’ve noticed a real change in you… in the things you post, your confidence levels… your don’t give a f*ck vibe’ and it really made me smile. They said ‘the new you really suits you, keep doing it’. And I will.

So when this lockdown is finally over, the house finally gets sold, and I step out into my brave new world. I genuinely feel like I’m going to be ready. Bit of a cliché? Yeah probably, but I’ll forgive myself that, along with a few other dodgy decisions along the way. I hope you’re surviving this weird time, and thank you for every kind message and comment. They mean so much - and yes, I really am doing okay 🙂

Images: Pinspiration.