After the affair: a few things I’ve learned so far
It’s now been nearly two months since I found out about the affair. The date - 18th December 2019 - will be forever etched in my memory. When I first wrote about it, I was still reeling, but now there’s been some breathing space - and a whole load more lies - I feel like I’ve learned a lot. The other side of the story still isn’t mine, so this is only my perspective, however, as a lovely friend Rach reminded me: you own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should’ve behaved better. One of my promises to myself, going into this new phase of my life, is to be 100%, unapologetically me. So here - deep breath - is, I guess, the divorce diary part one: after the affair: a few things I’ve learned so far.
Anne Lamott
The manipulation and confusion is exhausting
The day that I took myself off to the seaside to give myself some breathing space, he tried to stop me going (I was aiming for a swift exit, but the car was iced up and I had to come back in. He rang me, and sent endless messages: ‘come back and talk to me’, ‘you don’t have to leave, it’s your home too’, ‘it’s so empty here without you’, but at the same time was still messaging and seeing her. I’ve stopped even trying to work out what was going on in his head. One day he would say ‘I nearly got into bed last night with you for a cuddle’, then next: ‘I want to sell the house as soon as possible’. He would send messages saying ‘I’m not a bad person, you know me’. I remember messaging and saying how sad it made me that he was constantly online messaging her. He replied: ‘even I know how silly it is’. He said he felt like he had a self destruct button and just couldn’t stop himself from pushing it, and told me at least twice that he’d stopped seeing her. Of course that was never true.
See also: ‘well, you wanted the truth and now you’re using it against me’. Such gaslighting. Like those men that hit a woman and then say ‘it’s your fault for making me so angry’. Right, but you’ve told me a load of absolute rubbish for the last four weeks, now you’ve finally come clean I’m not supposed to be upset? Weird.
They’re never ‘just friends’
When I first found out, I was armed with a lot of information (I’m nosey, don’t mess with me) that he didn’t know I had, and he continued to lie and lie and lie about what had happened. ‘We’re just friends’ (he also promised the boys that this was the case) but also ‘she’s sporty, we do sporty things together - she’s a lad’, and my favourite, ‘she doesn’t even want me like that’. When your heart’s been broken, it’s so easy to grab hold of and cling on to random things to make yourself feel better, and mine was that this relationship, although it had been conducted in secret behind my back, was platonic. What. An. Idiot. My friends and family all rolled their eyes, and it took four weeks for him to finally admit the truth. Four weeks. I’ve read so much about ‘drip feeding’ and this definitely happened to me, but this actually makes the pain harder to deal with, as I kept discovering more and more hurtful things as the weeks went on.
There’s icky, nasty, painful stuff that will bring you to your knees
I had to go and get myself checked at a sexual health clinic: the full works: blood tests and swabs… HIV, chlamydia, gonorrhoea and syphilis - awful names of things that you should never need to think about when you’ve been married for 25 years. The questions they have to ask are hard, and I sobbed in the treatment room. The nurse was absolutely wonderful - god bless the NHS.
You try and make it a competition
The fabulous Chump Lady calls it ‘the humiliating dance of pick me’. I was super nice to him, we’d sit and share a bottle of wine and chat, I’d make sure my make up looked good, dropped the jogging bottoms in favour of tight jeans, listened to him endlessly talking about himself… Hell, we had Christmas Day with our family, just a week after me finding out. We sat and opened presents with our kids, enjoyed our Christmas dinner… WHAT WAS I THINKING? This is not about who is nicer/better looking/younger or more attentive to his needs, in fact, as I’ve slowly realised, it’s really not that much about me at all. I could have been the perfect Stepford Wife and he would still have cheated. His reasons are completely his own: ego driven and wrapped up tightly within his insecurities.
You feel it physically
I remember the very moment that we laid in bed together, and I said ‘you’re lying to me… why are you lying to me?’ about the ‘work trip’, and I knew. The feeling hit me straight in my stomach, and it seems to have remained there. My shingles pain resurrected itself big time, and I felt dry mouthed and nauseous so much of the time that eating was literally the last thing on my mind (they call it the divorce diet, don’t they?). I wanted to run, but lack of sleep and anxiety and exhaustion and hip pain all ganged up on me and I couldn’t run my usual route without having to stop and walk (I’m being gentle with myself and allowing that to happen without beating myself up about it now).
The emotions are a rollercoaster
I hated him, shouted at him, threw a washing basket at him, if I remember rightly - but I also got drunk and literally begged him on my knees not to leave me. He would say he was going to her and I would say ‘fuck off and don’t come back then’, but then the next time he went to see her that would be used against me: ‘you told me to go - I’m just giving you space’. I’ve learned to let all of my contradictory feelings just wash over me now: he repulses me, but the rejection still hurts. I mourn for our marriage and love and family times, memories of which I still hold so warmly in my heart. I’m so sad for the boys, for the destruction of their family, for their disappointment, the loss of all their future family Christmases and holidays, for all the horrible things they’ve witnessed and had to deal with. All these feelings are valid.
You ‘drink your own poison’
I would look at petrol receipts, nose around, find out where he was going, look at pictures of her… but every time you do that, you’re only hurting yourself. After a while, you learn to stop. Because it doesn’t matter. Why does it matter what he buys her or what hotel they’re in? As my friend Ross so eloquently put it: why would you want him anyway - a cheat - someone who didn’t have the courage or honesty to try and end a marriage kindly and amicably, and who is capable of telling lies to his own children? My greatest gift to her - the sort of woman who thinks it’s acceptable to pursue a relationship with a man who quite obviously has a wife and children, and leave a book entitled ‘Why Men Love Bitches’ in his bag for me to see - is him. They deserve each other. And my greatest revenge will be to find someone loving and kind and loyal and handsome (and tall) who will adore me and treat me with respect.
You seriously doubt yourself
Was it me? Did I push him away? Was there something I did that repulsed him? I had put on a bit of weight, and we’d been having a hard time (mind you, much of the hard times of the past months were presumably linked to the fact that his affections lay elsewhere). All these thoughts need to be pushed to one side. I’m a good person. Even though things weren’t perfect, I stayed faithful and loyal. I tried to fix it. I didn’t go off and find someone else who I liked better. I’m 100% blameless in his decision to choose another person over me. There are no ‘mitigating circumstances’ for cheating. Took me a while to figure that one out.
There aren’t two of him
SO many conversations with friends and family have been how this is totally out of character (he’s lovely! He’s always been there for me, been supportive and kind, we’ve got loads in common and I know everything about him). Then you’ve got this new version: a cheater, and cheaters are compulsive liars, manipulators, narcissistic, unkind, selfish and self-obsessed. But as Rach pointed out to me (as she had discovered before me) there aren’t two of him: he’s literally the latter and you have to give up your love and longing for the first person, because the two are inextricably squished together. He’s not a good person, and the quicker you realise it the better.
You become the focus of their anger
Tough one this, because you would think after being discovered cheating, there would be humility, apology and kindness. As another friend said: ‘there’s no need for malice - what’s done is done, and after so long together, so many experiences shared, it’s completely insane that he doesn’t want it to be a painless process’. But he’s angry about being discovered, angry that people he respects and loves are disappointed and upset with him, angry that he’s been outed as a shitty person, and I’m the one who’s going to take the brunt of that.
Ultimately, it will make you stronger
So where are we now? Instructing solicitors and estate agents… awkwardly and angrily sharing a house together…but it’s made me focus on me, instead of desperately trying to make someone happy, and it’s made me commit to being 100% unapologetically, authentically me. It’s also made me leave some people behind - people that weren’t good for me or didn’t really care. And that’s fine too. As I said on Instagram, my advice to past Becky (and to you if you’re currently going through similar) would be ‘you don’t know it yet, but this is the best thing that ever happened to you. There’s a brilliant happy future for you out there - you just have to let go of this shitty bit, lean on your wonderful friends and family, and realise that you deserve so much better’. xx
At risk of being told / discovering I am living in another world, I find myself wondering what is the difference between the disorienting, all too empathiseable loss recounted here and that experienced in varying degrees by some first-born children upon the arrival of siblings.
Oh Becky. The twat, that’s all i can say.. and how you endured that for a month? I would’ve been in a police cell, lol.
I discovered mine was cheating just over a week ago. I can’t go into detail right now as it makes me grimace and I’m not too good right now(having chronic pain/health conditions).
I knew something was up, and asked outright over the last few weeks, covered it well.Im a Scorpio, and you just dont mess, so as soon as I found via a text on his iPad (labelled to a guy’s name)..I questioned him on the phone, he started to cry and admitted it, apologising.
My answer? Pack some stuff you need for work, get out of the house and drop the keys to my parents, and I’m filing for a divorce.
I put in the petition 3 days later. This last week and a half has been horrendous, sorting through the sh*t hill he’s left me to climb, but I know I will come out the other side.
It’s the betrayal I cannot take, I think that’s the most hurtful thing. 15 years completely destroyed.
Im now going to read your follow up, as I need some feel good vibes.
Sending you love. Heidi xx
Wow Heidi, your strength is unbelievable. Good for you for chucking him out. I know, I know exactly how you feel, but it really does get better - I’m living proof! Big, huge hugs to you, lady xxx
I’ve just stumbled across your blog accidentally, looking for some beauty pie buying advice and have found myself in tears at what you’ve been through. Just wanted to send some love your and your boys way and say that while things are shite right now, undoubtedly better days are on the horizon. These days will be filled with the love, hope and happiness you deserve, away from a man who clearly is a shit. Wishing you the best, I’ll definitely be a regular reader now - keen to read on and follow your story. Much love x
Hi Alison. That’s so lovely of you, thank you so much. Lovely to have you here! xx
I’ve just read this and feel physically sick for you as this is what happened to me 6 years ago finding out the night before I had my second son: everything you have said is exactly what I have thought and felt .. time heals but I had another kick in the teeth yesterday when my ex husband has now got engaged to this other person- now as much as I hate the f***ker this still hurts a little , however they both deserve each other .. they are not good people… like you it’s my sons I feel for, not having the family life I dreamed of… but I do my best for them… the house thing may affect you more than you think as when I moved I had lost all interest in it however when I arrived at my new house I did break down, so be kind to yourself. I hope too some day that I meet someone who will adore me, I’ve only in the last 6 months starting to dip my toe in that water! Facing the fear, but stronger for it.. thinking of you… Barbara
I’m so sorry you had to go through this, and it’s so lovely of you to reach out to me as well. I really hope you do find someone you deserve too. Sending big hugs xx
Human beings never cease to astonish me with their acts of cruelty and moronic twattishness.
They also never cease to amaze me by being brilliant, wonderful, resilient - you can and you will definitely be the better half. May the cat sick in his slippers every other Tuesday for the next ten years give him the most horrific squits the following Wednesdays.
Haha amen to all of this, my friend. I know, right? It’s breathtaking. Thank you xx
You’re amazing. He’s an idiot.
Love you Becks. Definitely keep being unapologetically you because you are, and always have been, goddam awesome.
And I hope a cat shits in his slippers every second Tuesday of the month for the next 10 years.
Just because.
Xxxxxx
Thanks JoBo you’re such a lovely person. Haha and yes, that would be wonderful - is there somewhere I can arrange that? xxx
Becky, how very brave of you to share all those feelings and hurt. They resonate with me having walked a very similar path. I am amazed that you are still in the same house with a man who has destroyed the very family he supposedly loved/loves. I couldn’t do that. I have every sympathy for you and your boys. Here if you need me.
Thanks Kate, and I’m so sorry you’ve been through similar. I know, I’m trapped right now and it’s bloody tough. You are lovely, thank you xx
I am so sorry to ready about the lies and deceit.
Hope you find your happy place soon.
Big hugs,
Jo
Ah thanks Jo, you are lovely x
I’m so sorry to read this and it takes me back to 2003 when the same happened to me.
It is painful, it was the worst experience I had to endure and it took years to finally get over the upset, the betrayal, the sense of guilt and the loss of self confidence.
I’ve been on an excruciating internal journey and come out the other side.
It does pass one day, you will find happiness again and one day, you will look back and not feel that pain you are struggling with now.
I send you my biggest and strongest hug. Keep going forward ❤️
Thanks Mari, it’s bloody tough. The best thing is hearing from people like you who have endured it and come out stronger. Much love xx
You are incredible don’t forget it or let anyone define who you are. Hugs xx
Susan! My god, I have blog comments haha. Thanks lovely. Hugs back x
It should read ‘We got married and worked bloody hard to make it work’ … it’s hard to read what you’ve been through babes, I can’t imagine what you must be feeling 🙁
Would love to see you again…
Lovely Claire! Thank you so much for reaching out. Stuff like this really makes you realise who the good people are. Would love to see you too. Bring some BabyBel hahaha xxx
Always here for you, everyday xx
I know you are, you massive knob xxx
Every fucking day ……..
I’ve said it to you before, but you’re an incredibly strong and resilient woman. You are not the one to blame in this. It was his decision, and his decision alone to do what he did (and her’s for clearly she knew what she was doing and that book? geez!).
I really hope that things move quickly for you so you can start creating a wonderful life without him and find someone new to love you.
Sending love to you, the boys and Lyra xx
Thanks Rach. I hope so too. The quicker I can escape, the quicker life part deux gets going, and I can’t wait xx
Becky am so sorry to read this. You deserve so much better. You will recover. Sending you lots of positive vibes from Cavan
Hey you! Thanks so much, that’s lovely of you xx
Good grief, you could be me 10 years ago, January 14th 2010 I discovered that the man I’d loved for 20 years and been married to for 16 was having an affair with the woman I called my best friend and before Christmas had helped extricate from her previous relationship and opened my home up to her and her daughter so she could spend Christmas without any worry and stress.
Little did I know that the real reason for her previous relationship breakdown was that she’d been in a relationship with my husband for months and months. I didn’t just lose my husband and my marriage the day I discovered the affair, I lost my best friend and confidente as well. She knew we were going through a difficult patch and she just let me talk about it when all along she was the reason.
In those 10 years, I’ve obviously moved on, met a wonderful man and remarried but your words take me straight back to that place and the way in which i was treated by them. They too were angry with me for discovering their dirty little secret, for exposing it to our family and many mutual friends and to this day, they’ve never just said ‘We are sorry that you were hurt’
I’m so sorry that you are going through this, I did everything you describe and more, i ended up in some very dark places along the way but eventually was able to pick myself up, dust myself down and have more good days than bad until the bad became the catalyst of the new version of me. Stronger, wiser and able to face what comes next xxxx
Oh my god, Joanne, this is truly horrible. I know how important my friends have been so to actually discover she was the reason must have been truly heartbreaking. I’m so glad you moved on to a better, stronger, happier place. You’re my inspiration and I hope that can be me too. Thank you so much for reaching out xx
You’re amazing, he’s an idiot! Simple as. Remember that and focus on those that love you 😘
Thanks Tamsin, I will. Everyone has been utterly amazing xx
Sending you, and the boys, all the love. While there are tough days ahead, the better things will come. They’re just different to what you’d been envisaging for all those years. But different can turn out to be even better. I know it has been for me. Eventually for the kids too, though I think MGG has had it tougher.
Hang on in there. xx
Thanks Helen. I feel so, so sorry for them. It doesn’t matter that they’re grown up, it must be bloody awful for them. Holding on for better things xx
You’ve 100% got this and will come out the other side stronger and more magnificent than you already are!
Love you xxxx
Thank you for always, always being there for me. Love you more xxx