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In which I inform the school that tie shredding boy needs a break

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The lettuce protest

The lettuce protest

He’s a bit of a wag is The Dude. Not in a bad way. Oh no, I’m far too scary a parent to allow anything like that. I do, however, feel that we shouldn’t crush every bit of individuality and personality out of our children. I want my children to be respectful, kind and considerate, but we do have a bit of a giggle at home, and sometimes there’s a bit of banter and the odd swear, but that’s fine by me too. On the left, I present his recent protest at being asked to eat lettuce. He hates lettuce.

Since returning to school after half term, Charlie’s been on ‘lockdown’. This is basically because this particular school moves the kids up into their new school years after the May half term. So Chas is now in year 11. This year is special because it’s their GCSE year. They wear a different coloured shirt and tie and are allowed more freedom, including the right to leave the school at lunchtime. Unfortunately, since the now infamous ‘tie shredding incident‘, his punishment, along with his friends, was to have this freedom rescinded for two whole weeks. It’s actually a pretty great punishment. Allow the whole of the school year to leave the premises at lunchtime, leaving the ‘naughty’ ones behind to earn their freedom again? I get that. I totally do.

Trouble is, the policing of this ‘lockdown’ is all wrong. On the first day he came back looking less than happy. I assumed it was the enforced loss of freedom and didn’t say too much. Actions have consequences, etc and I fully support the school’s right to give punishment where it’s due. On the second day, I actually asked what was up, and it turned out that the lockdown is being enforced by them having to report to their house office EVERY TEN MINUTES. Yup, you read that right. Wherever they are and whatever they’re doing, they have to walk all the way back to a specific office to report every ten minutes.

This is all wrong. Removing a privilege if they misbehave? Totally fine. Removing their freedom and their right to a break at lunchtime, when they’re studying hard for GCSEs and working hard in class? Wrong. Ten minutes is not even enough time to queue up in the canteen and eat. Had he eaten? No. I was fuming.

I sent one of my emails. I kept it firm. I expect Charlie to be allowed a proper break to go eat, drink, read a book, revise, muck about, play football… whatever. Just as you, as a teacher, are allowed one.

The reply was a bit sarky: ‘if Charlie’s that keen on revising, he can always go to the library, where the staff there will record his presence’. Oh I didn’t like that. I didn’t like that one bit.

My reply, I feel, was firm but fair: ‘it’s not about revision. It’s about giving the kid a break, not making him perform like a trained chimp for the entire lunch period.’

That’s me off the school Christmas list, then.

A triple layer chocolate mousse cake for the Dude’s birthday

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Triple layer chocolate mousse cake

Triple layer chocolate mousse cake

I know I’m always complaining about being old but blimey, my youngest was 15 yesterday. The Dude is mahoosive and has turned into a handsome, kind and funny teenager who is American Football mad and a bit of a gym obsessive. We’re all immensely proud of him.

As is the tradition at English Towers, he’s been allowed to choose the birthday cakeage. Usually this means they choose the most difficult thing they possibly can and today is no exception. Flicking through my cakey Pinterest pins, the birthday boy opted for a bloody enormous triple layer chocolate mousse cake, but without the white chocolate layer. A mousse cake should be soft and melty, so I decided on a lovely soft flourless chocolate cake as a base layer, then topped with a dark chocolate mousse and then a milk chocolate one. Simples.

One word of warning: sometimes mousse takes a while to set. If you need this cake in the evening, make it in the morning or the night before. If desperation sets in, a blast in the freezer for a half hour will help it along. As you can see from mine, the top layer wasn’t quite set and started to collapse - by the time we’d lit the candles, the Maltesers were sliding down the side of the cake. No matter, we just scoffed it really quick.

For the flourless chocolate cake

This is an easy cake to make and makes a great pudding served with whipped cream. It WILL sink in the middle, but when topped with the mousses of course this doesn’t matter.

As I was trying to build up height I used a smallish (8”) high sided loose-bottomed tin, with the sides lined with cut-to-fit silicone baking sheet. Remember you’re going to add the mousse layers so line the sides quite high. Preheat the oven to 160/gas 3.

125g dark chocolate

60g butter

3 large free range eggs, separated

125g soft brown sugar

So melt the chocolate and butter in a heatproof bowl over some hot water. As soon as the water starts to bubble, turn it off and let the butter and chocolate melt gently together.

Meanwhile, whisk the egg whites until they’re really firm.

When the butter and chocolate are melted, stir in the brown sugar, the vanilla extract and the egg yolks, then gently fold in the whisked egg whites.

Pour into the prepared cake tin and bake for about half an hour or until a knife inserted into the centre comes out clean.

Leave to cool.

Weighing out the chocolate

Weighing out the chocolate

Just thought I’d slip in a pic of my new scales here - I love them. You can find them on Amazon - they’re called Epicurean by Ozeri. Rather lush aren’t they?

For the mousse layers

You only need a thin (ish) layer of mousse. I made my first layer far too thick, so I’ve halved the quantities here.

125ml double cream

150g dark chocolate

2 eggs, separated

So just pop the double cream in a saucepan and break in the chocolate. Put it on a low heat and as soon as the cream is warm enough to melt the chocolate, turn the heat off, continuing to stir until the chocolate is melted and the mixture is smooth.

Leave to cool a little while you whisk the egg whites. Do check that the cream/chocolate mixture is cool enough (it needs to be lukewarm otherwise it will scramble the eggs) before mixing in the egg yolk.

Then just fold in the whites, again take your time and wait until everything is a uniform colour. Pour the mousse on top of the chocolate cake layer and return to the fridge.

When this layer is set, make another batch of mousse with milk chocolate. Pour VERY gently over the first mousse and allow to set.

To serve, you need to be VERY careful - firstly make sure it’s properly set (ahem) and then balance it on something solid and slowly push the tin down. Decorate if you want, or just ram it into your face.

Happy birthday, Chas. We love you loads xx

Charlie with his cake

Charlie with his cake

 

 

The birthday with NO CAKE!

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Aw I had such a fab day yesterday. Despite their Dad’s absence the brevren rallied well - no cards (‘what, you have to buy presents AND cards?’) but they did get me a voucher for a lovely Clarins facial - will look forward to that. Mahoosive brownie points go to Mr English for the gift of THIS little beauty:

My birthday pressie

My birthday pressie

Isn’t it beautiful? After pressies it was off to The Akeman in Tring, Hertfordshire which is really lovely: all squishy leather, dark wood and roaring fires. The kitchen area is open so you can see the chefs at work, and the staff were so friendly. I had lunch with my gorgeous friend Glam C . We had Prosecco to celebrate, plus a delicious Mediterranean salad with Halloumi, roasted vegetables, couscous and chickpeas. Nomnomnom. The grin on my face says it all, I feel (and look, there’s The Claw - well, I couldn’t leave it at home on my birthday now, could I?):

Birthday Prosecco

Birthday Prosecco

The reason for the salad (I know, right? Not like me at all) was our evening trip to a local pizza place. We were accompanied by The Prof’s new girlfriend, who I’m proud to say is utterly lovely - very sweet and enormously good fun - we cackled like loons and, after we’d dropped her off, The Dude was heard to utter ‘wow, there is NOTHING wrong with her’. High praise indeed. However, it was only as we were getting out of the car that I realised I’d forgotten the cake. Ah well. We’ll scoff it today: think of it as unbirthday cake.

Thank you for all your birthday wishes on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram. What a perfect day.

Thorpe Park: The Crash Pad, banana theft, frozen pipes and ridin’ with Kat and Alfie

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Exploring the empty park in the dark

Exploring the empty park in the dark

It’s my birthday shortly (not a hint, I promise) and although I can remember sunny days, cloudy days and rainy days, I’m pretty sure it’s never snowed before at this time of year.

Yesterday we drove down to Surrey to visit Thorpe Park for the opening party for their new hotel, The Crash Pad, and to experience the new backward twist to The Swarm, their amazing winged roller coaster. The Death Wish Dude is a coaster nut, so we took him with us as our coaster-tester, along with his friend, James. The snow was really coming down by 6pm and as we crawled along the M25 at about 20 mph I had visions of us being snowed in and spending the night in the car.

Anyhoo, we made it, and the incredibly friendly Thorpe Park staff made us very welcome. We checked in to our Crash Pad room and were impressed with what we saw. Don’t, under any circumstances, expect a hotel room. The Crash Pad is more like the Yotel in that it really is just a place to lay your head: a double bed, two single bunks, and a small en-suite wet room. That’s it. No floor space, no wandering around room, just a place to crash and go. Oh, and a word of warning? The top bunk has no rail. Do not allow a restless sleeper up there - the Dude came crashing down at around 3am - luckily unhurt!

We thought it would be fab if you have to travel a long way to spend time at Thorpe Park - you can book packages which include two days’ park tickets, one night in the Crash Pad and breakfast included. There’s also evening entertainment provided and the bar area is lovely. A fab idea and pretty good value too. We also thought it would be ace to book an overnight stay during one of the Fright Nights!

In the bar we bumped into Shane Richie, who we’d met at Disneyland Paris when we went for my 40th birthday (you may remember the ‘photograph of the ear‘ debacle). He’s so lovely and we all wandered around the park in a big gang. Kat (lovely Jessie Wallace) was there too I was a bit starstruck, to be honest, but they’re so down to earth and friendly. At one stage Shane took over the announcing on one of the rides (then ran away before getting on).

With Shane Richie

Me with lovely Shane Richie, James and the Dude.

We were lucky enough to have access to the park after closing time, and the fellas went on everything, at least twice:

The boys riding Nemesis

Riding Nemesis

There was also the small matter of a stolen banana. This was absolutely nothing to do with me, but these two shifty-looking characters were caught on CCTV:

Theft of giant banana

Theft of giant banana

 

SWARM is blimmin’ amazing. Hubby and I went on once but the boys rode about five times - both backwards and forwards!

After a fabulous party, with a DJ, entertainment, nibbles and a free mojito bar, we headed to the Crash Pad. It was really lovely and comfy (bit awkward when one of the kids isn’t yours, but then that’s our fault). The only problem was when we woke up - no hot water due to frozen pipes. The staff were amazing again, rushing around and getting us bottles of water, but we decided to head home and save our park tickets for another day.

This really is the perfect place for teenagers. To be honest, it’s such good value I think I’d probably book a separate room for the teens, then let them loose around the park while we chilled and pootled about a bit more. The food options are good at Thorpe Park and there are plenty of non-adrenaline-rush things to do too!

And yes, the banana was returned to its rightful place, unharmed. I promise.

About Crash Pad

Two day packages start from £64pp, including breakfast (based on 4 sharing). Click here for more info. The Crash Pad opens 28th March 2013.

 

The Photo Gallery: Boys

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One of my best buddies, the lovely Tara, runs an online photo gallery every week over at Sticky Fingers. People from all over the world enter photos into the gallery every week to a specific theme. This week, the theme is ‘boys’. Well, I had to, didn’t I?

They make me laugh until I cry (at a recent parents’ evening, one of Charlie’s teachers said: ‘I love him. I could strangle him occasionally, but I love him’), give fabulous hugs, eat vast amounts of food, use vast amounts of hot water, send me tweets that say ‘you are a poo’, make me worry about them constantly (you have to let them go…) and always, always make me proud. They’re kind, thoughtful, frustrating, messy, always late (Sam!), weirdly nocturnal but always fabulous.

Ladies and gentlespoons, I give you: my boys (with their long-suffering Dad):

The Dude, The Prof and The Daddy.

 

A cunning plan: the Death Wish Dude’s strategy for parents’ evening

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Trying on suitsDuring a recent shopping trip to find him a suit for my Disreputable Dad’s upcoming wedding (the girl in the shop was rather taken with my handsome boy and I was laughing as she practically climbed into the changing room with him), we were discussing parents’ evening, which is fast approaching. And while he’s doing well at school, I’m under no illusion that my youngest enormous offspring is any sort of an angel. I did ask him, somewhat nervously, what I was to expect at parents’ evening.

He’s obviously been giving it considerable thought: ‘well I’m going to skip the RE teacher completely, then start you with my biology teacher, Miss C, who hates us all… then I’m going to make sure the appointments are in the order of how well I’m doing and ending at my drama teacher Mr G, who is a legend and who absolutely loves me. By the time he’s finished, you’ll waft out of the door and won’t even remember the others.

Then I thought we could go to Tesco and buy you some wine’.

Gorgeous nutty golden syrup flapjack

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Flapjack

Ahhhh golden syrup. Is there a nicer smell? I wondered aloud recently (well, on Instagram) why someone had never created a perfume based on the sweet scent of it. I mean, come on! Someone’s already done a gin perfume..

Talking of gin, alcohol free January is miserable. Last year, I said never again, and yet this year here I am nursing a sad, lukewarm glass of squash every night, instead of a sparklingly refreshing glass of mother’s ruin. It’s no life, dearest reader.

Anyhoo, to keep me company on my alcohol free quest, Charlie, the Death Wish Dude has vowed to give up crap. As long as I stay off the gin, he’s promised to stay off the crisps and chocolate. A noble deed, but one which leaves him sadly lacking in snackage when he gets home from school hungry enough to look at the Ninja Cat of Death in a whole new light. So I decided to make him some healthy-ish snackage until he’s back on the Frazzles. Flapjack: gorgeous golden syrupy, crispy on the outside, soft in the middle nutty flapjack…

Nutty Golden Syrup Flapjack

So this is another one of those recipes that, as long as you stick to the basic proportions, you can fiddle with endlessly… Add nuts, sultanas, dried cranberries, chocolate chips… whatever you fancy. Don’t like golden syrup (what’s WRONG with you?) use honey. Like it plain? Covered in chocolate? That’s fine too.

For the basic recipe, you’ll need:

170g butter

115g brown sugar

4 tablespoons golden syrup

400g rolled oats

Melt the butter, brown sugar and golden syrup in a saucepan on a low heat until it’s all runny and combined, then take it off the heat and stir in the oats. And that’s it. This is the time to add your extras: dried fruit/nuts/chocolate chips/whatever. I used a large handful of almonds, roughly chopped, but whatever you use, a good handful will probably be enough.

Now press the mixture into a buttered cake tin and bake at gas 4/gas 180 and bake for 15-20 minutes. Cool completely before removing from the tin or it’ll fall apart. Fab for lunchboxes, rushed breakfasts and after school snackage.

Mind you, I’m tempted just to buy him a six pack of Walker’s crisps and a Double Decker and be done with it. Gin o’clock, you say?

Review: Tesco’s barcode scanning and the Gatwick virtual store

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So you know the feeling, you return from holiday, suffer the Gatwick Express, then the tube, then possibly a taxi too, finally open the front door and the first thing you can think of is a nice cup of tea. But the problem is that the milk you left in the fridge two weeks ago now resembles furry blue yoghurt.

During the summer, Tesco tested out a brilliant service at Gatwick Airport’s north terminal: the Gatwick ‘virtual store’. Customers could view a range of products by whizzing through some very flashy moving screens on large virtual ‘fridges’. They could then scan the barcodes (iPhone or Android) to put goods into their online baskets, then book a home delivery and pay. With hour slots, you could practically predict that your shopping would arrive home at the same time as you. Here’s a link to the video of the ‘virtual store’ in action:

Tesco let me have a dabble with their online app, available here, so I could see the technology in action. I’m not massively techno-fabulous so I enlisted the help of the Death Wish Dude (my first mistake). After an easy (and free) download, he set about roaming the house, randomly scanning barcodes, to see whether we could arrange an entire shop using just the barcode scanning.

The technology, though fabulous for when you get back from holiday, is also fabulous when you’re stuck at home. Someone on Twitter asked me if you could scan goods as they run out throughout the week, and yes, you can. It remembers the goods in your online basket, ready for you to ‘check out’ at the end of the week. No more shopping lists stuck on the fridge.

The dude’s verdict? Generally positive although it didn’t recognise the barcode on Nutella and we noticed random things like if you want to re-order a box of Bud, you can’t do it unless you kept the box as there are no barcodes on the bottles. Still, easily searched for on the search engine.

The delivery: spot on time, VERY friendly and helpful, took away all my plastic bags for recycling, gave me loads of tips about busy/quieter delivery times, and my order was perfect, not a single replacement.

A massive thank you to Tesco for letting me have a go with the app, and huge apologies for the randomness of my order which, thanks to my youngest son, included such delights as two massive jars of coffee (‘what? It was buy one get one free.’) a large amount of Double Deckers, and some David Beckham aftershave. I vote to make the service permanent at Gatwick too. I, for one, could do without furry blue tea after a week away.

 

George at Asda’s new schoolwear gets put through the wringer… and the tunnels… and over the combat wire…

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Recently, Charlie, our very own Death Wish Dude, was invited by Asda to come and test out their new school uniforms on an army assault course: the best casting ever, as far as we were concerned. Asda have put their new uniforms through 3000 days of testing with 100 kids, and this assault course day was going to put it to the test in the worst conditions possible.

Sadly, the boy and his skates did their usual thing and after a front flip gone wrong, he ended up laid on the sofa with ice packs on his knees instead. Still, some other kids tested the uniform and here’s the result. I think: ‘chosen by mums, tested by kids and guaranteed by George’ just about sums it up, don’t you?

 

Hugs

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Him: ‘Alright ma?’

Me: ‘Yeah you?’

Him: ‘Yeah I’m cool. Gissa hug.’

Him: ‘Laters then ma.’

Him (as he walks off): ‘Good talk.’

Video of our fabulous weekend at Disneyland Paris 20th birthday celebrations

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So I’ve already told you about our marvellous trip to Disneyland Paris. I think one of the best things about it was spending a whole weekend just with one of my children (the other was rather happy to have some alone time with his Xbox AND without his little brother, don’t worry). The Death Wish Dude and I had an absolutely blast and really enjoyed each others’ company. And let’s face it, when they’re 14, the opportunities for ‘quality time’ are few and far between. We whizzed on rollercoasters, whooshed on rockets, oohed and ahhed at amazing sound and light shows and got all competitive zapping in Buzz’s Laser Blast, but more importantly we laughed. And laughed.

Here’s a gorgeous video that the lovely chaps at Disney made for us. I’m not ashamed to say that I cried buckets!

The ultimate chocolate cake with coconut ganache frosting for the Death Wish Dude’s birthday,

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It’s been an odd weekend. First of all we watched ourselves on the telly (it’s a very weird experience, I can tell you). We took part in a Channel 5 programme being made about Disneyland Paris’ 20th birthday celebrations when were out there a couple of weeks ago - it aired yesterday. I actually managed to take a picture of the Death Wish Dude being interviewed - here he is in all his widescreen glory! Anyhoo, after all that excitement, it was straight on to the birthday cake challenge. As you might already know, it is the tradition at English Towers for the birthday boy to pick his very own choice of birthday cake. Usually they choose something hideously difficult to make (just to annoy me), but this time, the Birthday Death Wish Dude wanted nothing more than a big fat chocolate cake.

Easy peasy. The only difference is that I had a little experiment and tried making the ganache with coconut milk instead of double cream. It came out deliciously light and whipped beautifully. Highly recommended.

To make the Death Wish Dude’s Ultimate Coconut Ganache Chocolate Layer Cake, you’ll need:

175g butter (I use salted)

175g golden caster sugar

3 eggs

150g self raising flour

20g good quality cocoa powder

100g good quality dark chocolate

For the ganache:

400g tin coconut milk (I used the full fat stuff)

500g (yes, yes, I know… ) good quality dark chocolate

1 packet Maltesers

So firstly, melt the chocolate (you can do it all at the same time or in the two batches. It’s quite easy to pour the melted chocolate into the mixer bowl when it’s sat on the scale) in a bowl over a saucepan of simmering water. Don’t let the water touch the bowl (yeah you know the drill).

Beat the butter in the food processor until light, then add the sugar and whizz again until pale and fluffy. Add in the eggs (I beat them, then add them a dribble at a time - helps with the odd bits of dropped shell too), then stir in the sifted flour and cocoa. Finally, stir in the 100g melted chocolate.

Bake in two medium lined tins for about 20 minutes until just springy in the centre. Allow to cool.

For the ganache:

Warm the coconut milk in a saucepan - don’t allow it to boil, it only needs to be warm enough to melt the chocolate. Then just turn off the heat, plop all the chocolate in and stir occasionally until it’s all melted.


Transfer to a bowl and chill down completely in the fridge.

To assemble:

Carefully slice each cake into two. Pick a nice flat one as your top layer and remember which one it is!

Take the ganache out of the fridge and whip until light and fluffy (or you can just spread it).

Layer the cake slices with a thick spreading of ganache then finish with a nice layer of ganache all over the cake. If the thought of 500g of chocolate gives you a heart attack, you can halve the quantities and just layer the two cakes together.

Finish with Maltesers (beer can candles optional).

And here he is with his birthday cake of choice. Happy birthday, Charlie! xx

 

The 20th anniversary celebrations at Disneyland Paris - our amazing weekend

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The Death Wish Dude and I arrived at St Pancras (in sizzling sunshine - don’t you just love London when the sun’s out?) to board the Eurostar. We’d been invited to join the great and good of the world’s media to celebrate Disneyland Paris’ 20th anniversary and to get a sneaky preview at some of the new parades and shows especially created to mark this incredible birthday.

Disneyland Paris opened on 12th April 1992, adding Walt Disney Studios Park in 2002. It’s within easy walking distance of its very own Eurostar station and there are seven hotels located near the site too. It’s a real ‘one stop shop’ as far as entertainment goes, and we love it.

The Eurostar journey is another favourite of mine. I love being able to walk about, chat, eat and relax while being whizzed towards France. It’s such a relaxed journey. The Dude hadn’t experienced it as a foot passenger before and thoroughly enjoyed being fussed over by the Eurostar staff!

On arrival, we dumped our bags at the hotel (The Hotel New York, one of my favourites) and rushed straight to the park. I decided to give the Dude the same introduction to rollercoasters as I’d received myself back at Walt Disney World, the amazing Rock’n’Roller Coaster starring Aerosmith - one of the fastest rides of all the Disney parks and, so I’m told, with acceleration akin to that of a Formula One car. The dude was hooked and we headed straight back to the front for another go. This ended up setting the scene for most of our weekend - a veritable orgy of thrill rides, maximum velocity and loop the loops, with a lot of Disney magic thrown in!

I wanted to head over to the the Toy Story Playland at the Walt Disney Studios Park as it was just being opened the last time I was there. We weren’t disappointed. The Toy Story themed area is packed full of amazing rides - we loved the Toy Soldiers Parachute Drop, and the AMAZING RC Racer (don’t go on this one if you like the feeling of being dangled in mid air before rocketing backwards and forwards at very high speed - we loved it!). Carrying on the maximum velocity theme, we headed back over to the Disneyland Park (we weren’t very good at planning our route - too darn excited) for Discoveryland’s Space Mountain and Star Tours. Both with puke-making potential, but loved equally by the Dude.

We headed back to our lovely hotel for a dip in the pool (the outside bit was completely deserted and we swam and sunbathed - blissful) before heading back out to the park to enjoy a private dinner in the (now closed) Walt Disney Studios, catching up with a few of our favourite characters too. After a quick scream on the Tower of Terror with our favourite Disney Dave, we had several whizzes around Crush’s Coaster - another amazing indoor/outdoor thrill ride before retiring, somewhat giddily, for the night.

After a late start (another thing I love - breakfast served until 11am!) and mountains of pancakes and maple syrup later (you can’t visit a Disney resort without eating a pancake mountain or two), we headed straight for the Disneyland Park for a duel on one of my favourite Disney attractions, Buzz Lightyear Laser Blast (for some reason it really tickles me that his French name is ‘Buzz L’Eclair’). I decided to share some of my favourite rides with the Dude: the wonderfully themed and bone-shakingly brilliant ‘Indiana Jones and the Temple of Peril’ coaster, and the beautiful, gentle and atmospheric classic, ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’.

Disney Magic on Parade!

Next it was time for the first showing of the brand new ‘Disney Magic on Parade’, a riot of colourful characters on amazing floats (I’m still singing the fab new music!) celebrating Disneyland Paris’ 20th birthday. I love Disney parades (I always have a little cry) and was ridiculously pleased to see that the Death Wish Dude was entranced as well. Look out for the Toy Story float (one of my favourites) and the lovely Rapunzel too. Watch out for the fabulous bumblebees floating around Winnie the Pooh.

On Saturday evening we were invited to the 20th anniversary celebration gala dinner. The venue was like nothing I’d ever seen before. We were led along a path lit by glowing orbs into a massive marquee (the word ‘marquee’ doesn’t really do it, but it’s the best I can do), lit by chandeliers and sparkling with glitter and glass:

I’m going to have to do a separate piece about the food because it was SO fantastic I can’t possibly elaborate enough here! We had our faces painted by amazingly talented artists, and were all given glow sticks while clouds of smoke billowed out into the venue from hidden smoke machines. The atmosphere was just incredible - here’s one for the family album:

After the gala dinner, we were led to the park (by a man in a suit with a giant balloon strapped to his back) past amazing street performers on stilts and in spectacular inflated and illuminated costumes, to the park, which was lit with a million lights and looked spectacular.

As we entered, all the cast members were lined up, waving huge glowing light sticks and calling out ‘bienvenues!’ and ‘bon anniversaire!’. It was absolutely magical and strangely emotional too. We listened to speeches by the CEO of Disneyland Paris and Zinedine Zidane before walking down Main Street USA with huge confetti cannons going off all around us, blasting little golden ’20’ letters into the sky which was awash with colour and sparkles.

Disney Dreams!

Next up was the new sound and light spectacular that will be performed at Disneyland Paris from now on in the evenings (always check the schedule for timings). This show was SO amazing that we sat next to Jonathan Ross and didn’t look at him once. Yup, THAT amazing.

I can’t even begin to describe the show, but with the aid of clever lighting, the castle was transformed into jungle scenes, Notre Dame and even a huge waterfall. Images were somehow played on walls of water, and massive flame throwers whooshed into the sky. Just. Incredible.

After the amazing show, we were interviewed by Channel 5 (everything was so surreal this weekend, even THAT seemed normal). Here’s the Dude who was, apparently, a ‘natural’:

After a final day in the parks, whizzing around on Space Mountain, getting competitive on Buzz Lightyear’s Laser Blast and screaming our lungs out on the Tower of Terror, we headed, knackered, to the Eurostar station. What a thoroughly amazing weekend - I have to say it’s probably my favourite ever Disney visit, and that takes some beating.

A MASSIVE thank you to the very lovely and incredibly hard-working Disney team and a huge HAPPY BIRTHDAY! to Disneyland Paris too. For all the rest of the photos from this trip, go to my Facebook page: facebook.com/englishmumdotcom

During the 20th anniversary celebrations at Disneyland Park, prices for a two-night, three-day package including return travel with Eurostar in April 2012 start from £856 for a family of two adults and two children (aged 4-6 years). Price includes return travel with Eurostar, two nights’ accommodation at the Hotel Santa Fe and three day hopper tickets with unlimited access to the Disneyland Park and Walt Disney Studios Park and is based on two adults sharing.

For longer stays, Disneyland Paris is offering guests up to 40% off Disney Hotels and park tickets as well as kids under 7 visiting for free. For more info call 08448 008 111 or visit www.disneylandparis.com.

 

The New Legoland Hotel, Tim Minchin, dragon cake and horrendous hangovers

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WHAT a weekend. There were so many great (and funny) moments I hardly know where to start.

First up, the the lovely chaps at Hertz UK offered to lend me one of their new Family Collection cars to go to the opening of the new Legoland Hotel this weekend. Bright and early Friday morning, a SPACESHIP was delivered. I kid you not.

After some initial teething problems, like waving the nice delivery chaps off assuring them I’d be fine, then realising it didn’t actually have a key and I had no clue how to start it (turns out you post the key fob into a little slot on the dash - you do not, as some wag on Twitter suggested, have to shout IGNITION ON!, but nice try though), I got on really well with it. The enormous beast took up my entire driveway and in a spectacular piece of teenager Tetris, I managed to fit FOUR of the fully grown and very gangly blighters into the boot.

Offski, then, to Windsor and the new Legoland Hotel, conveniently placed right at the entrance to Legoland, where a whole bunch of the media’s great and good gathered to celebrate its opening weekend. There were LOADS of celebs there: we spotted Zoe Ball, Dom (from Dick and Dom), Michael McIntyre, Vic Reeves and his gorgeous wife Nancy Sorrell, Warwick Davis and a host of other people that kept us in permanent ‘hey, don’t I know you?’ mode the whole weekend.

We met up with fellow bloggers Laura and Tara and their families and headed for the bar (as you do). In the restaurant we bumped into Tim Minchin. Instead of looking a bit awkward, both boys dived in, held out a hand and said hello (proud Mum moment there). He was utterly lovely and chatted to them for ages. Later he played football with them outside and they were absolutely made up. Isn’t it amazing when you meet people you really like and they turn out to be really nice in person?

The food was a good, solid buffet selection, with a carvery, a children’s section serving all the usual suspects, and a salad bar. I wouldn’t say it was amazing restaurant fare (my beef was very well done and a bit leathery, and the pannacotta poured out onto the plate like yoghurt), but we all ate well. We were all a bit taken with the lego cake, but sadly didn’t get a slice.

We were on the fourth floor in an ‘adventurer’ room. We were really impressed with the decor: a map for a carpet, lego creatures climbing the walls and a very posh bathroom (sorry about the picture - I did the classic ‘GET OUT OF THE WAY, WOMAN! thing in the mirror). It was compact, but the Prof is 5’9” and there was plenty of room for him in a bunk and the beds were mega-comfy.

The next day saw us up early (and hungover) for a big cooked breakfast before setting off for a bit of celeb-stalking around the park. We walked around the Star Wars exhibit, spotted Manta Rays on the Atlantis Submarine Voyage, whizzed around on The Dragon (this did nothing for my hangover - luckily Laura was the holder of the headache pills, as well as the map), did the Digger Challenge and zapped away on Laser Raiders. The boys took a final drenching on the Vikings River Splash and we headed for home, leaving the smaller dudes with more energy to enjoy the park.

What a fabulous place. And the icing on my dragon cake? This tweet from Tim Minchin:

 

About the Legoland Hotel:

The Legoland Hotel is now open for business with prices starting from just £248 for a family of 4 for a themed bedroom, including breakfast, 2 days into the Park and loads of added extras! Book early (the hotel is already fully booked on several dates through March, April May and even into June). For more info, go to legolandholidays

 

About the Hertz Family Collection:

The Hertz Family Collection launches on 4th April. Hertz Family Collection offers a variety of cars with ample room for passengers and luggage, plus 5-star NCAP safety rating: total reassurance for your journeys with family or friends. For more info, check out Hertz’ new blog: HertsTravelGuide, or go to hertz.co.uk

 

‘I don’t know what happened… it just fell off!’ The Spontaneous Unexplained Incident.

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‘Teenagers’. To quote Sebastian from The Little Mermaid: ‘they think they know everything. Give them an inch, they swim all over you’.

Mine are relatively tame… apart from the odd bout of scariness and the odd error of judgement (which would make your hair curl) they’re quite polite… do as they’re told and are good fun. One of the things I HATE, though, is the Spontaneous Unexplained Incident.

Let me explain. The Spontaneous Unexplained Incident, or SUI for short, generally occurs when there’s nobody else in the house, or after dark when everyone else is sleeping: the last KitKat vanishes, but curiously, nobody knows who ate it. There is water all over the kitchen floor, but nobody’s been in there. Handles fall off school bags… holes get ripped in blazers, but they always happen without anyone noticing and without anyone to blame.

Sometimes an SUI can even occur when EVERYONE is in, like last week when a courier called not once, but twice, while both teenagers were in the house, but seems to have knocked silently (and rung the bell silently) and put ‘while you were out’ cards through WITHOUT ANYONE HEARING. Amazing.

Our most recent SUI occurred while I was on the train home from Bloggers on Tour: West Yorkshire. As is customary with the Spontaneous Unexplained Incident, it started with The Sheepish Phone Call.

Death Wish Dude: ‘Mum, there’s been an accident’

*SILENT SCREAM*

Me: ‘Oh blimey! Is everyone alright?’

DWD: ‘Yes, but the bathroom is damaged’

*’SHIIIIIIIIT’*

Me: ‘What do you mean damaged?’

DWD: ‘All the tiles fell off the shower in your bathroom’

Me: ‘WHAAAT? What do you mean, they just ‘fell off’?!

DWD: ‘I dunno. It just happened!’

You see? A dozen tiles appeared to have just LEAPT off the wall onto the floor off the shower without any apparent help from anyone else. Spooky.

Later, careful questioning ascertained that ‘someone’ might have fallen against them (‘or something’), but even then ‘they must have been, like, really loose, ‘cos they JUST FELL OFF!’

So there you have it. If you have young children, be warned: they will grow into teenagers and, just as spring follows winter, so things in your house will start to spontaneously break, rip, fall apart or DISAPPEAR. (By the way, I found some very nice replacement ones at The Tile Depot - y’know, in case you’re in the market).

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

[Insert Twilight Zone music here].

 

 

Operation Get Charlie into School Without Getting a Detention

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It’s been an interesting week. First of all, there were the spam comments, the best of which, in my humble opinion, was:

‘You’re seriously pathetic. Even a monkey could do better than you’.

Thanks, Mum.

My second favourite was:

‘The next time I read a blog, I hope that it doesnt disappoint me as much as this one’ (yeah, that was from a spammer promoting ‘thebestwaytoloseweights.com’ (sic) so he can talk… The best way to lose weights? Leave them at the gym? Drop them on someone’s toe and get them confiscated?

And then it was the big bro’s birthday for which I bought The Single Most Expensive Bottle of Wine that I’ve Ever Purchased (thanks indeed go to the lovely Helen from Knackered Mother’s Wine Club for her invaluable assistance.

But mostly, this week has been taken up with Operation Get Charlie into School Without Getting a Detention.

This took a bit of work, I have to say. The school has a new Headteacher. She set her stall out with her first speech at the sixth form meeting in September: ‘I won’t allow children to be taken out of school in term time. And no, I don’t consider that a two week trip to Orlando is in any way educational’.

Dammit.

She’s also cracking down on those pupils who continually flout the uniform rule. Sneakily, she’s taken to posting staff members at the various entrances to the school to spot pupils coming into school with incorrect uniform in the morning and hand out detentions, or even send them home to change. Usually, these are girls who have those teeny stretchy skirts that look like the belts I used to wear in the 80s, girls without their blazers, girls with inappropriate jewellery, girls with too much makeup… oh, and Charlie, our very own Death Wish Dude.

Charlie gets stopped every bloody morning. And while the Mad Professor (who, being a sixth former gets to wear ‘formal business wear’ and goes to school looking like an advert in GQ Magazine every morning) and I initially found it quite funny, we then started to worry that he was going to get into trouble, so decided to help him out.

Let me explain. I’m not a bad mother (well, I probably am, just not on this occasion), but he’s 13. And although I appreciate that he’d rather be doing this:

… than working hard to look like this (first day of term - tried to get a sensible photo for the Grandparents, but let’s face it, it was never going to happen):

I’m sorry, I just don’t have much sympathy. If the child can manage to waft down the stairs smelling gorgeous and with perfectly gelled hair, then he should be able to dress himself in the morning, and if he can’t then it’s his own fault and he should sort it out or live with the consequences. Misdemeanors that caused his arrest at the gate included:

  • Having no laces in his shoes (WHO LOSES THE LACES IN THEIR SHOES?!)
  • Not having a school tie (it’s a sodding clip on, for goodness’ sake - clip it somewhere)
  • Having the wrong colour tie (don’t even ask)
  • Having his top button undone and his tie hanging from the buttonhole
  • Not having his shirt tucked in
  • Having his blazer sleeves rolled up

It got to the stage where his big brother was dreading walking into school with him in the morning for fear of being somehow tarred with the same brush. It was at this point, we developed our five point Operation Get Charlie to School Without Getting A Detention plan:

  1. Pester Charlie constantly as soon as the alarm goes off to remember each item of his uniform. This has escalated into a hilarious (to us) and constant badgering of ‘have you got your undercrackers on?’ and ‘have you cleaned your ears?’ that drives him insane.
  2. Pester Charlie constantly in the car on the way to school to clip on his tie and do up his shoes
  3. On parking at the school, pester Charlie a bit more - perform irritating check list shouting ‘CHECK’ very loudly after each item.
  4. On disembarkation from car, perform spot check on aforementioned Charlie and pester a bit more to do laces up and tuck in shirt.
  5. Perform covert undercover surveillance during the 5 second walk from the car to the point of inspection (ie the school gate) to ensure that Charlie gets inside the school without hindrance

So far, it’s working quite well. The Death Wish Dude is getting a bit fed up with all the pestering (and still hasn’t found his own tie - there’s a lad in the sixth form who collects abandoned ties and rents them back to the younger lads, but sadly he didn’t have the right house colour) but luckily most of the teachers posted on sentry duty don’t know what colour he should have so he gets away with it, and so far he’s managed to go unmolested for an entire week.

What a team eh?

I reckon Tesco should make me Mum of the Year.