The Fear
I’ve made no secret of the fact that I’m never going to be a candidate for Parent of the Year. I swear too much, I’m too messy (thereby inviting sarcastic responses to ‘tidy your room’), I do not adhere to proper mealtimes and the ironing pile often reaches the (cobwebby) ceiling. I always thought I did okay, though, in a kind of ‘out there’ parenting way.
But moving back here to surburbia, after four years in rural Ireland? It’s scary. I’m out of my depth – out of my parenting league.
In Cavan, although there was the odd ‘tearaway’, kids were on the whole terrified of their mams. They behaved. There was discipline and order. I liked it. An Irish Mammy takes no shit. Her kids do their homework, show respect, and get to bed early on a school night. Okay so health and safety is a little wobbly, but whether or not the kids wear crash helmets, they are out with their mates on their bikes, playing footie and GAA and getting home before it gets dark OR ELSE. In Ireland, exams are everything. School is important, and everyone knows where they stand.
Here, though? Parenting is so much more liberal. Oh I’m not talking those irritating ‘luvvie mummies’ at the playground who go ‘oh my little poppet is just expressing herself’ as the devil-child pulls your kid’s pigtails, I’m talking SCARY liberal.
Take, for example, a recent party. It’s the talk of the school. Some parents allowed their 15 year old daughter to have a house party. I don’t know them, so I don’t know where they were, but seeing as their little petal posted all the photos on Facebook, I’m pretty sure she had their blessing. It was a beautiful house, too.
There was drinking. I’m talking serious drinking. There was smoking. And then (a natural progression), there was vomiting. There were all sorts of other shenanigans as well. One child (and yes, he’s a child – he’s 15 years old) got so drunk, he passed out and his ‘friends’ shaved his eyebrows and half his head (only stopping because the electric shaver ran out of power).
Drive around this little patch of suburbia on any given Friday or Saturday night and it’s the same old story: lads (with their jeans around their arses in that strange teenage manner) clustered around someone’s house holding beers; girls, barely 15, clutching glasses of wine, eyes unfocused, plastered in make-up, cleavages hoiked, knickers barely covered in tiny skirts…
Reckon it’s innocent fun? Am I being a fuddy duddy? Want me to get a life? Tell that to the parents of Paddy Higgins, who fell to his death after a drinking binge with his mates, or the mum and dad of the 16 year old girl who collapsed and died at a house party in nearby Cookham back in October after drinking nearly five times the legal limit.
So where do I stand on all this? Well firstly I should say that I was the teenager from hell. I’ve been there, done that and worn the t-shirt. So therefore, nothing gets past me. This stuff, though? It makes my teenage years look like an episode of Milly Molly Mandy.
I think I’m just about as far removed from most of these other parents as possible. House parties are out (either here or anywhere else – the only vomiting ever done in this house will be if someone’s ill, thank you very much) and so is going out boozing. I want my sons to have a sensible attitude to drink, so their first beers will be with us, as a family during dinner or maybe the odd one on holiday. There will be no alcohol abuse, no vomiting, no smoking and certainly nothing else.
Our style of parenting, believe it or not, makes kids like my son the odd one out, but I don’t care. I might not be parent of the year, but my son knows damned well what our values are and will respect our boundaries or face the consequences.
I think in those four years, I’ve caught a little bit of Irish Mammy. And do you know what? I’m dead proud. And I’d go back tomorrow.
One friends daughter was at a sleepover and the mother of her friend gave both the 13 year old girls neat vodka! Unsurprisingly my friend’s daughter was really ill and had to be picked up early – why would this be an ok thing to give a 13 year old?? It was a woman my friend had know since the children were in nursery together and there was no reason to think she’d be so stupid.
Another one’s daughter who is 14 and her friends are regularly invited by 21/22/23 year old men to ‘party’ with them. They meet at house parties like the one you are talking about. These men seem to think that 13 and 14 year old girls are fair game. The girls for all their grown up show are actually uncomfortable and quite scared by this attention, but I can see how peer pressure etc could end up in something quite horrible happening.
The thought of this coming at me in 7 odd years scares the crap out of me. I honestly don’t know quite how we’ll handle it?
I went to uni in Northern Ireland and had loads of friends from the south. The boys were all terrified of their mammies – I’d keep on being scary and your boys will be too terrified to step out of line!
Just guess that those of us of similar attitudes are all in it together. I say, unleash the inner mammy! It’s in my roots anyway
It is so frightening to see some kids these days, I think my parents would of called me a teenager from hell, but compared to what kids are like now I was positively angelic!
There is a complete lack of respect now
But… I knew a lot of Irish girls at uni who just went crazy the minute they got to the UK, I mean completely wild. And my Irish cousins were Christian Brother educated. One of them was in a serious car crash on a big night out with the lads in Dublin and ended up brain damaged.
Your boys don’t seem the type to get mixed up in all of this malarkey, bit of a worry though, eh.
Stick to your guns mrs….. the boys will be better for it in the end!
Funnily enough I was pretty much left to do what I pleased but didn’t go down that route. I didn’t smoke when all my friends did, didn’t sleep around when it was the ‘done’ thing (*shiver*)
to be honest it’s not my 7 year old son I worry about it’s his sister. She’s only 4 but lord help me already!
As far as drink is concerned, we gave Stretch the choice at 13 whether to take the Abstinence plegde or not. He could do it or not but, having taken it, he will stick to it until 18. A promise is a promise, whether made to God or not.
On the two occasions that my son was way-out bold, I morphed into Psychomammy.
On the first, he was throwing coins with his cousin. (Eejit) A car went by and he chipped the windscreen. €300 came out of his account and was sent to the driver with a handwritten apology the very next day.
The second, more serious situation, was when he was with some boys visiting our village from Yorkshire. They committed an act of vandalism and I marched my son to the Garda station. Did I feel bad? Did I cry to see him so upset? Absolutely. But I explained to him that, whether he took part or not, his accompanying them was a sign that he was susceptible to peer pressure and that worried me more than anything.
The Mum of the two Yorkshire boys, whom I met at the Station, yelled at the Gardaí and made outrageous excuses for her son’s behaviour.
We don’t own our children, we just take care of them for a few years. It’s our job to spend those few years raising people who will add to the world, rather than take from it.
Still, I’m SO relieved I have no daughters!!
I wore a slipper sole shiny with my bottom. Sweartogod.
Keep on doing what you’re doing, I say.
Sweetie and I were indignant along with him but, oh! the roars of us once he was out of earshot! He’d probably run ten miles after that forward Missy now! LOL!!
ciao Lxx
a.ka. italian foodie:)
Luckily we live in the middle of nowhere and my eldest goes to a school where everyone comes from far and wide so socialising is slightly harder ( although I have heard some non too perfect stories as well)
I’m dreading all of this too….by the time my daughter is my son’s age I don’t think she will be so willing to stay in on a Saturday. :0S
It is all a worry isn’t it.
However, my take is that I’m at the parties – not necessarily all the way through but I’m there at the end and I talk to the kids and actually they’re 17, not 15 so that makes a lot of difference, however, I fear that it’s my daughter and her friends that are the ones to keep an eye on. Lx
Still not looking forward to the vomit bit though…
One boy’s (very nice) mum dropped her boy off with over 100 grown-up beers. (what do you say??)
It didn’t occur to me that i would need a bouncer on the door – party for 20 ended up party for 200 – each came with a carrier bag of bottle or cans, my lovely apples were used as missiles to break windows and I called the police at 10.00 pm when i realised that apart from being offered a slice of pizza someone had ordered, nobody was really going to take any notice of me.
I then got told off by the police for causing a disturbance, and leaving them with couple of hundred kids to disperse. Never again?
The last party my 14 yr old went to (last week) had bouncers on the door, and 5 community policemen outside for the duration.
London or everywhere?
Ok, so I live in hicksville, a North Durham former pit village where the kids hang out in the fields or the woods because there isn’t anywhere else for them to hang out. My 11 year old has not yet discovered the joy of drinking but is allowed VERY watered down wine with his dinner when his parents are drinking it, as I was when I lived in France. Incidentally, there is little in the way of drunken teenage behaviour amongst our Gallic Neighbours, or none that I ever witnessed, but again, I was out in the sticks. I’m sure Paris has its moments.
I am DREADING moving back to civilisation (If you can call Buckinghamshire civilisation), living in the country does have it’s benefits, I’m sure all that teenage stuff happens much later, and so it should! So When the Husband suggested moving inside the M25 it was a case of OMDB (Over My Dead Body)
I have a 10 year old daughter and 6 year old son. What I do worry about, though I’m not obsessed:
1. Someone taking the kids because they went off in the shopping mall, or to the post box or corner shop without me. Not enormously dangerous activities, but after Madeline McCann, do you blame me?
2. Peer pressure, about everything;
3. The materialism I observe in kids in London + suburbs ex. getting Blackberrys and iPhones for
birthdays;
3. my daughter’s concern about how her body looks;
4. Too much information overload. Kids seem to expect far more explanation about everything. There are things they aren’t mature enough to know. The danger is that we feel their curiosity needs to be satisfied so we feed it;
5. The inappropriate use of words they use. My daughter has already come home from school with tales of the way boys at primary school use words like sexy and hot. Other mothers, and even teachers, say it’s about copying their older brothers or TV.
6. underage,immature and reckless sex. Teenage drinking can make all of that more of a reality.
As far as I’m concerned, every parent, whether in London or not, has the responsibility to educate and oversee their children about alcohol, drugs, sex, the value of money, and the repercussions of their actions.
I did things as a child that I can’t give my kids the same freedom to do. I don’t care at all if people think I am over-protective.
I want her and her little brother to be sensible when they get to 14, 15, 16 and so on, and are confronted with unfamiliar or scary situations. I want them to be strong enough to stand up to a stranger offering a lift, another kid who has drunk too much, or wants help trashing a house, God forbid!
And through it all, I want my kids to have a great childhood, a fun time and a strong sense of self-belief because of our parenting. I know I have my work cut out for me.
In this media/celebrity/selfish society, it’s crucial that kids are given strong foundations upon which they can make their own informed decisions.
Stick to your guns lovely lady…sounds like you’re doing a great job. I do think there’s something to be said for a simpler life tho..think I’d be tempted to move back to the Emerald Isle!
XxxxxxxxxX
You can do no wrong…>:0D