New Traditions, dog vomit, drunken Santas, kitchen fires and ‘Pie Day’
So it was a funny old Christmas. A LOVELY Christmas, but a funny one. Trust me, a Christmas with teenagers is just as much fun as a Christmas with teenies, just a lot different.
The first bit of festive fun was when Mad Uncle A and his new fiancée came to visit. The dog took a liking to the fiancée (in the way that dogs do when they sense that a person might not be a dog lover). She behaved appallingly (the dog, not the fiancée) and spent the entire time with her nose up the poor girl’s skirt. Later, when enjoying an evening of witty banter and intelligent chat, the dog wandered in and threw her dinner up in a big steaming pile on the carpet. Even later, after the hot water, rubber gloves and carpet cleaner, she proceeded to fill the room with those ‘silent but deadly’ farts that only dogs can muster. Joy.
And then, on Christmas Eve, a new tradition was born: we understand that maybe being dragged round different relatives isn’t the brevren’s idea of fun, so we created a new tradition: McDonald’s with Nan. This went well, especially the round of McDonald’s Festive Pies – you know, those weird crispy rectangles filled with liquid that is HOTTER THAN THE CENTRE OF THE EARTH. That shut us all up. Still, it was a new take on relly visiting and seemed to work quite well.
Later, when we were all sat round the table at my big brother’s house (and yes, the Lycheeni cocktails were flowing), talking about Christmas in general and Santa in particular, the Mad Prof pipes up:
‘I think Santa was a bit pissed last year – you’ve never heard so much bloody rustling and giggling…’
Oh.
Obviously I countered with ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about’, being of the ‘if you don’t believe you don’t receive’ school of thought, but still. Santa tried hard to be a bit more sober this year.
The same table saw what has become known as Trivgate, when I was unceremoniously ejected from our family game of Trivial Pursuit by my nephew Jackson for messing about (he takes games VERY seriously). ’I think you should leave, Aunty Becky’ rocked me to my very core. I did the ‘walk of shame’ from the table. Still, I then discovered my niece, Turtle, had also escaped and was watching Four Christmases. Result.
Christmas morning saw me sitting bolt upright in bed at 9am with NOBODY else awake. I had an irresistible urge to go and grab a saucepan and a wooden spoon and wake everyone up with some experimental percussion numbers, but instead I just sulked. Until I could take it no more and went and gave them BIG cuddles. There was a bit of swearing, but blimey: Santa had BEEN!
The Prof got a life sized Batman from his mates Mick and Sam, which is awesome, but must have meant overcoming some serious delivery issues:
And here’s my Christmas day in pictures. You will notice that, as usual, I tried to set the house on fire (I was rescued by the Death Wish Dude who wandered in, wondering what I was cooking that smelt THAT bad), and that the dog was pretty nonplussed about the whole event. You will also notice possibly the best grumpy photo of English Dad EVER and that Hubby’s Auntie, who is deaf and struggles with names, particularly mine, chose to address me as ‘Lady of Jim’ this year. I like it: it’s kind of regal, don’t you think?
Boxing Day, the Disreputable Dad and his partner came round. There was much hilarity, lots of drinking, a bit of wrestling and a mahoosive turkey and ham pie (which I forgot to take a photo of). Henceforth, Boxing Day (which doesn’t make sense anyway) has been rechristened Pie Day. It’s got a nice ring to it.
And we’re having a party on the 29th so I’ll keep the camera handy, don’t you worry.
And a very Merry Christmas to you!
So this is it – the big day is nearly upon us! I hope you’re all sorted… if you need any last minute advice, it’s all here:
If you need help choosing wine to match your food
If you need help with cooking the turkey on Christmas day (remember if you are lucky enough to have a free range bronze Turkey they take considerably less time to cook – click here for the KellyBronze Turkey recommended cooking times).
For easy apple, red onion and chestnut stuffing click here
For easy last minute chocolate jaffa cake Christmas trees click here
For Christmas baked ham click here
For gorgeous Cranberry and port sauce click here
So that’s it, then. Christmas sorted. Here are a few of my golden Christmas rules, a ‘Christmas mantra’ if you would, for when things get a little stressful:
- Chill out and remember it’s just another day and another roast dinner
- Have fun – proper fun, not ‘oh okay, if I MUST’ type fun
- Dress up!
- Enjoy your loved ones
- Have a few cocktails
- Light a candle
- Take a deep breath and count to ten first
- Don’t worry about your waistline
- Give
someoneeveryone you love a kiss under the mistletoe - Say you love it even it you hate it
- Keep your hand on your ha’penny (one of these days I’ll find out what this actually means)
- Oh, and please don’t drink and drive. I need you here to keep me company.
And while I’m on the subject, thank you for popping in this year, whether you’ve clicked here once or a hundred times – your visits and comments mean such a lot to me. Until next year, then. Mwah xx
‘And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled ’till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store? What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more?’
Apple, red onion and chestnut stuffing
Probably a bit late with this one, but as I was making my stuffing this morning I made a few tweaks to my last recipe and thought you might like it – apologies if yours is already shopped for and made! We like a lot of stuffing and this quantity will fill a decent-sized terrine with a little left over, which I roll into little balls and bake separately, but feel free to halve it if there’s only a few of you.
You will need:
1 -2 tbsp butter
2 red onions, finely chopped
2 dessert apples, grated (don’t bother to peel)
2 x 375g packs pork sausage meat
100g fresh white breadcrumbs
100g vac packed chestnuts, crumbled (we’re a family divided over chestnuts – if you love them, add the whole pack)
2 tbsp parsley, chopped
2 tbsp thyme, chopped
2 tbsp sage, chopped
Squeeze of lemon juice
Seasoning to taste
So heat the butter in the frying pan and add in the onion. Fry very gently until softened. Add in the apple and cook that just until it’s a bit darker in colour and softened.
Remove from the heat and allow to cool. I make the stuffing in the KitchenAid but if you’re doing it without one I suggest you just get your hands in there – it’s the easiest way to combine everything.
So now just bung it all together: the cooled onion and apple mixture, the sausage meat, breadcrumbs, crumbled chestnuts, herbs and lemon juice, and give it a good old mix.
Season well (you can fry a teaspoon of mixture if you want to check the seasoning). Transfer to your buttered terrine and store, covered with cling film, in the fridge until the big day. It’ll take about half an hour in the oven at about 190/gas 5 (180 if you’ve got a fan oven). Obviously it looks a bit more appetising when it’s cooked, but I’m not cooking it until tomorrow.
This also makes a very nice stuffing for ravioli if you happen to get a pasta machine for Christmas!
Gorgeous port and cranberry sauce
So yes you can rush out and buy a jar of cranberry sauce, but it’s equally easy to rush out and buy pack of cranberries, and this yummy sauce will not only adorn your Christmas plate with its gorgeousness, but also scent your home so delightfully it could put Yankee Candles to shame. You can use all port if you haven’t got any Cointreau (English Dad got a bit sniffy about me using his posh Taylor’s, hence the addition of Cointreau), but it does give a nice orangey zing.
You will need:
1 pack cranberries (or you can use frozen) – about 250g should do it
100g brown sugar
1 orange, zested then juiced
1 cinnamon stick
120ml port
60ml Cointreau (or other orange liqueur)
A pinch of dried chilli flakes
Just pop all the ingredients into a saucepan:
… and simmer away for about 20 minutes. Remember that cranberries have VERY high pectin, so even if you think it’s not thick enough, take it off the heat as it will thicken up as it cools. Don’t forget to fish out the cinnamon stick.
Pour into a sterilised jam jar (dishwasher cycle or a good wash up and a thorough drenching with boiling water) and pop on a lid (it should just about fill one jar). And that’s it! Make double and give as a present, or just use yourself on Christmas day.
Big Mad Cookery Dad’s amazing Limotiramalee!
So when I was on Nick Coffer’s fabulous Weekend Kitchen show on BBC 3 Counties radio, I met the lovely Christian, AKA Big Mad Cookery Dad. He made this fabulous dessert and it was soooo good, I’ve asked him to share it with you. So without further ado, here’s Chris:
Thank you so much for your kind invitation to share a Big Mad Cookery Dad concoction amongst your Christmas recipes. Here is a zesty fusion of a Tiramisu and Creme Brulee with a citrus and boozy hit which really works and gets the big thumbs up at dinner parties and family gatherings alike.
Here’s wishing you and all your readers a very happy and peaceful Christmas and a very happy and successful New Year. And don’t forget, keep on experimenting with new flavours, it’s a big mad foodie world out there!!
Limotiramalee
Zest of 1 lemon, unwaxed and squeezed
Zest of 1 lime, unwaxed
1 tablespoon caster sugar
250ml water
½ pint of double cream
250g Mascarpone cheese
150ml Grand Marnier
1 orange, squeezed
2 tablespoons of caster sugar
Trifle fingers
•
Take the zest of the lemon and the lime and place in a saucepan with the caster sugar and water. Reduce the mixture until it forms thick syrup. Strain the zest from the syrup and set aside. The leftover zest can be used to make cookies or cupcakes!
•
Whip the double cream until it’s just starting to thicken and add the mascarpone and citrus syrup.
•
Start to whisk and add the juice of the lemon whilst whisking – this reacts and sets the mixture into a mousse. Place in the fridge.
•
In a saucepan place the Grand Marnier, the juice of the orange, the caster sugar, and a splash of water. Heat to burn the alcohol off and set aside.
•
In a glass oven dish (a lasagne dish works well) place a layer of trifle fingers across the bottom and add the Grand Marnier mixture. Place in the fridge for a few hours to infuse.
•
After the Grand Marnier mixture has infused into the fingers and is nicely chilled, add the mousse over the top and smooth down. Place back in the fridge until you are ready to add the brulee topping.
•
When set in the fridge, sprinkle caster sugar over the surface and blitz with a blowtorch until the sugar caramelises. If you don’t have a blowtorch, a really hot grill will work ok. However if you feel really loopy you can attempt a sugar cage, by lightly oiling a glass mixing bowl, then reducing 2 tablespoons of caster sugar with a splash of water in a non stick pan until it turns golden brown and bubbling. Quickly with a spoon, drizzle the hot sugar in a criss cross pattern over the bowl until covered. Leave for 5 minutes to set, and then really carefully lift the cage onto the pud. Finally spend about an hour cleaning the set sugar spillage off your work surfaces!!!’
Kind Regards
Big Mad Cookery Dad.
Jaffa Cake Christmas Trees
So you’re going to love this. No, really, it’s a winner.
How about…
Home made jaffa cakes? Wait… wait…
In the shape of Christmas trees!
I know, right?
If, like me, you’re now wild with excitement (or even if you’re not) do have a go at making these little beauties. They taste absolutely fab and can be made in normal paper fairy cake wrappers if you’re not imbued with quite as much Christmas spirit as me.
On to the ressup, then. You will need:
115g butter
115g golden caster sugar
2 eggs
1 tsp vanilla extract
125g self raising flour
To decorate:
Rindless marmalade
100g dark chocolate
So make the sponge in the normal way: beat the butter and sugar until really light and creamy, then beat in the eggs a dribble at a time and then the vanilla. Finally, stir in the sifted flour.
If you’re using one of these silicone moulds (I got mine in John Lewis), give it a spray with some cake release (mine’s Dr Oetker and is incredibly good) to stop the little suckers sticking. Plop a scant dessertspoon of cake mixture in each ‘tree’, and bake at 180/gas4 for 10 – 15 minutes until just golden.
Allow the cakes to cool and then turn them out. If they’re a little rounded on the top, you might need to just cut off the very top (which will actually be the bottom, if you see what I mean) so they sit right.
Now, take a spoonful of the marmalade and pop it onto a board. You should then be able to cut little slivers off this blob to pop on top of each tree. Melt the chocolate in a bain marie (bowl over just –simmering water, but you knew that, right?) and spoon over each blob of jelly.
And there you have it. Chocolatey, orangey AND Christmassy. I’m LOVING that.
I’ve entered these into Choclette’s ‘We Should Cocoa’ chocolate challenge, the theme of which this month, unsurprisingly is… orange!
My top ten gorgeous books for under the tree
I think cookbooks are sometimes overlooked as Christmas presents. Maybe it’s the ‘domestic’ element of it? I’m not sure. I remember when the brevren were small, English Dad bought me a breadmaker for Christmas. At the time I was devastated and offended and saw it as insulting that he’d bought me something so ‘homey’ and boring. I don’t know what was the matter with me – I’d love it if he got me one now!! Anyway, if you’ve got a food lover in your life, here’s my top ten of some of the more recent books that have been released. I’ve reviewed some of them before, and have provided links to my reviews. I’ve also given you links for books on the WHSmith website where I can.
Allegra McEvedy’s Bought Borrowed and Stolen has become one of my absolute favourite cookbooks. I’ve reviewed it here so you can read all about it. A beautiful travel/cookery book written in a no nonsense style that is truly unique.
Dan Lepard’s Short and Sweet - a perfect pressie for anyone who loves to bake. Dan’s friendly nature (he’s lovely on Twitter – look him up) comes across really well in this chunky book full of sweet treats. I know I’m probably silly, but how a book looks and feels is important to me and this one is gorgeous – I love to be able to flick through photos and pick something that takes my fancy. If you’re like me, you’ll adore Dan Lepard.
Jamie’s Great Britain - I’ve LOVED the series on the TV and this book is a really great accompaniment. Not only are there all the recipes from the series but tons more besides. I know Jamie has his critics but I absolutely adore his food – big flavours, creative combinations and no fiddly twiddly bits. The book is split up into nice easy sections – my fave being breakfasts (I’ve had a go at the Yemeni pancakes – they’re delicious) and mmmmm bubble and squeak with a runny egg on top. Heaven.
Donna Hay’s Fast Fresh Simple - Aussie Donna Hay’s book is absolutely gorgeous to look at and the recipes don’t disappoint either. I really like Donna Hay’s no nonsense approach to cooking, and her books reflect it really well. There are some fab shortcuts and inventive ways to get classic recipes on the table in half the time too. I love it.
One Sweet Cookie - Another really lovely looking book (making it perfect to be given as a gift, in my opinion) full of all sorts of yummy baking. The author, Tracey Zabar, herself famous as a jewellery designer, and stylist on Sex and the City, approached some of the most famous chefs in America (which is why you may not recognise some of the names) and asked them for their favourite baking recipes. The result is a treasure trove of amazing recipes.
Silver Spoon - Phaidon have recently published a new edition of this absolute monster of a classic cookbook. It’s got loads of new photographs and a really luscious red cover. Any foodie would be delighted to discover this one under the tree – everything you could possibly need to know about cooking Italian food.
Leith’s Cookery Bible - I was lucky enough to be given one of these after my recent trip to Leith’s. It’s another real weighty tome but it’s got absolutely everything in it – every recipe you can ever imagine co0king is laid out here, clearly and succinctly – I love the wine tasting section too. Really interesting. This would be a great pressie for a serious amateur cook. It really is a bible.
The Great American Cookbook - this one is quirky and fabulous. I adore it as much for the story behind it as for the actual recipes. Back in 1948, Clementine Paddleford set out on an epic journey to travel across the United States seeking out regional recipes, bringing them together in one enormous tome which was published in the 1960s. This reprint has all the spirit of the original and every truly great American recipe will be found nestling in its pages, from Creole cooking to New York cheesecake and Southern fried chicken. A fantastic read and a really great reference for any keen cook.
Next up will be my top ten Christmas books. Happy shopping!
The Great Christmas Undercracker Debate
Ahhhh Christmas. The time where there’s at least one awkward looking fella hanging around looking shifty in every lingerie section up and down our frosty land.
What is it with Christmas and husbands (I’m going to say husbands throughout this, but you can insert boyf/partner/live in lover/other half/whatever in its place – it matters not)? Take English Dad, for example (please). I never get undies. Ever. this is because our opinions on acceptable undercrackers are just diametrically opposed. According to the Hubster, if the knicker is made of more than 2-3g of material then it’s all wrong. This is a man who thinks thongs are ‘too big’ if they have bits of material at the sides, and anything with a proper arse bit is a ‘granny knicker’.
He’s not a lingerie pervert, I hasten to add, I just think his knicker tastes are stuck in his prime knicker-obsessed era: back in the eighties. I’ve tried to explain that little thongs aren’t really TRENDY any more – I’ve shown him the M&S adverts (‘look! They have sides, see?’) and strategically left pages of the Next Directory open at the pretty little satin knickers (WITH sides) but I fear I’m fighting a losing battle.
One of my friends (who shall remain nameless for fear of mortification) said: ‘if my other half bought me what he liked I would look like an extra in Band of Gold. Or Bet Lynch’.
Some of my Facebook friends obviously do get it right. My buddy Mr D said ‘I buy Mrs D underwear as a special treat to myself. Of course you do need a certain body to wear certain lingerie… It’s like having a great Xmas present that just has to be unwrapped.’
Le sigh.
And yes, I did ask if she liked it too… and she did. Lucky Mrs D!
So, I’m sorry, but it’s time for rebellion here at English Towers. Although I think I’ve matured rather nicely, I’m no longer prepared to suffer the indignity of spending my day waiting until nobody’s watching so I can readjust the silken thread of cheese wire that is working its way up to slicing my nethers in two. I need… (whisper it people) support, for God’s sake! Once one gets to forty, there are a few inevitable wobbly bits (oh sit down, Elle Macpherson – everyone APART from you), which are inevitably sliced asunder and therefore highlighted by underwear involving stringy bits.
Isn’t there anything that will please the husbands AND us poor girls? Am I alone in having a husband who thinks anything in stretchy lace is ‘gross’ and shorts should stay firmly on the field and out of the lingerie draw?
Help me, good people of the interwebs, for I fear I’ll still be finding cheese wire under the tree until I’m well into my seventies. I’ll be the silver haired one in the corner, furtively rearranging her rear end.
The Ultimate Christmas Song
So my homey Liz over at The Mum Blog has asked me to share my favourite Christmas song. And here it is. I drive my family mental with it all Christmas but I don’t care. I love it. The Michael Bublé version of this song is also gorgeous – seek it out!
What about you? Favourite Christmas song?
Good Fork Hampers
Next on my Christmas Countdown: another cracking idea for a Christmas present – how about sending a rather yummy hamper full of foodie goodies? The Good Fork is a new online food company bringing together lovely food from the Med in deli-boxes, together with food provenance stories and quick and tasty recipes. I love an entrepreneur and lovely Virginia has taken her love of good food and turned it into a fabulous business. A background in the travel industry saw her travelling extensively round the med, but then this brought frustration, when she was back in the UK, that she couldn’t source the wonderful produce she’d discovered there.
And so The Good Fork was born. Lucky Virginia now rushes around the Mediterranean sourcing amazing products and packaging them into wonderful hampers. I absolutely loved my gift box and found the range of products really inspiring. The quality was fab too (the Herbes de Provence scented my kitchen for a whole week after I’d opened the packet!) A brilliant idea and a truly original present.
The current range of Limited Edition deli-boxes includes a Festive Fork (rounding up Christmas foods from all over the Med) an Intensely Italian Fork and a Thoroughly French Fork, with a Gorgeous Greek Fork coming soon!
Good Fork boxes start at £28.50 including p+p, while Limited Edition boxes are available for £39.50 inc p+p.
And just in time for Christmas, Virginia has introduced a gift voucher. They are available for all Good Fork boxes, including Limited Edition ones and also for three or six month subscriptions, allowing recipients to choose the variety of box they would like – lucky them! Just email sociable@thegoodfork.co.uk to order what you would like.
