“Are you awake?  It’s my birthday!  What did you get me?  Can I open my stuff now?  Wicked!  Money!  Cool!  Look what I got from Grandma!  Can we have pancakes?  I’m starving.  And look!  From Grandad!  Savage!  Do I still have to go to guitar?  Can I have a beer now I’m 14?  Alright Grandad?  I’m loaded!  I’m gonna have a beer.  Get off, stupid dog.  When are you making my cake?  Can I have it when I get back from guitar?  Can we go shopping?  Have you made my cake yet?  Your dog’s gay.  I’m ringing Grandma.  Can we go shopping yet? Can I have a beer?  I love these trousers!  Thanks, I love you.  Can we go yet?  What?  It’s itchy.  When’s the Grand Prix over?  Did you think any more about the beer?  Is my cake done?  Are we having steak?  Where’s my hat?  I’ve lost my hat!  Who took my bloody hat?  I need my… oh hang on, here it is.  Aw cute puppy!  Ooh this phone looks nice.  Or this one.  This one has a touch screen.  Ooh, 8 gig memory!  I think I’ll have this one.  No, this one.  Or maybe this one!  Let’s look around a bit more.  Gamestop!  Savage!  Ooh look, another phone shop!  I like this one.  ’Scuse me, you got this in blue?  I’m getting this definitely.  Can I have a beer tonight then?  Can we get chips?  I’m starving.  Deadly! Ooh, and curry sauce.  Can we go in the sports shop?  Wicked Liverpool top.  I’m getting this.  Oh hang on, this Arsenal one’s cool too.  I’m having both.  Can we go home now? Is that my cake?  Can I lick the bowl?  Look at this cool screensaver!  Ooh, is that coconut?  Awesome!  And the lights on the sides flash when the music plays!  Ew Bert licked my nose.  The earphones are awesome.  I’m starved.  Can I have a beer tonight?  What time’s dinner?  This game’s awesome.  This cake’s wicked!  Can I have some more?  Did you think about the beer then?  I am 14 now…  Corrr cider!  Can I have some?  Awesome!  Oy, it’s my turn!  Argh you killed me!  I had a wicked day.  Where’s my phone?  Whose turn is it?  Was that a text?  Awesome day.  Thanks Ma. “

So you know the rules by now.  The birthday person is entitled to request, nay, demand, the birthday cake/dessert/artery clogging confection of his/her choice and nobody’s allowed to complain; especially not me, and I have to make the bloody thing.

The Death Wish Child, my smallest, most accident-prone offspring, when not frequenting his local accident and emergency department or engaging in some form of muddy violence thinly veiled as a contact sport, is a bit of a chocolate lover.  The child has miraculously survived to celebrate his 11th birthday.  I know.  It’s a miracle.  And his birthday request was for… and I quote… “a cheesecake.  Ooh, no, a chocolate cheesecake.  Ooh, no… a double chocolate cheesecake.  Yes.  With a meringue topping.  Erm, and sparklers”. 

So there you have it.  I’ll give you the recipe, not so much because I expect you to actually make one yourselves, more so you can marvel at the placement of so many calories in so small a cake tin.  Be afraid:

300g dark chocolate digestive biscuits

100g butter, melted

175g dark chocolate

500g cream cheese

100g icing sugar, sieved

200ml double cream

Soooo, whizz the biscuits in a food processor, or put them in a strong freezer bag and bash hell out of them with a rolling pin (this step is particularly therapeutic if you have an ex-husband, or so I’m told).  Then pour over the melted butter and mix well.  Press the mixture into the bottom of a springform cake tin lined well with plenty of clingfilm (make sure it overhangs the sides) and put it in the fridge to set.

Meanwhile, melt the chocolate in a bowl over a pan of simmering water (remember not to let the bowl touch the water) and put aside.  In a fresh bowl, beat the cream cheese, then add the icing sugar and beat well together:

Set that aside and in another bowl (yeh sorry, not very washing-up friendly this one), whisk the double cream until it’s lovely and fluffy, then set that one aside too:

Now check the chocky to make sure it’s blood temperature, and start to add the cream cheese mixture one spoon at a time, stirring well until it’s all combined:

Now fold in the whipped cream:

…and let the dog lick the bowl (awww, g’wan…):

Now pile the whole lot onto the cooled biscuit base and level it off with a knife and return to the fridge to set.  Now, if you’re sane, you’ll walk away right this minute and serve your delicious dessert with a flourish and maybe some fresh raspberries:

If you’re mental, though, and prepared to do anything for your child just because it’s his birthday, crack on with the meringue.  First, preheat the grill to very hot, then take 2 egg whites, plop them into a clean bowl and whisk until really fluffy and stiff.  Now gradually add 115g caster sugar:

Whisk until the meringue is glossy and thick, and a generous stolen fingerful doesn’t contain any hint of gritty sugar.  Take the cheesecake out of the fridge and carefully remove all the clingfilm.  Now pile all the meringue over the top of your cheesecake, smoothing it over to the edges but leaving some little peaks, and chuck it quickly underneath your very hot grill just to singe the very tops of the mountains, as it were.

Serve, with sparklers, to an overexcited child, happily hiding your exhaustion, whilst secretly dreading what concoction the Mad Professor’s going to be demanding for his birthday in less than 10 days’ time.  Phew.

So I had a lovely birthday, thank you so much for all your good wishes.  I got lots of donations to my KitchenAid fund, which is now looking quite healthy, plus lots of lovely bits and pieces for my garden (including a fantastic Eucalyptus tree from the boys), and 6 new sparkly Denby mugs from Hubby to add to my collection:

Sensible Uncle I and Lovely L bought me Ching He Huang’s new Chinese cookbook, and Mad Uncle A gave me a nice wodge of cash (although I’m pretty sure the empty card was provided by me Ma as he didn’t seem to know a lot about that bit).  Jen sent me the wondrous flowers you saw yesterday and the Disreputable One stumped up an eye-wateringly generous cash donation, which arrived via an enormous white courier van (well you can never be too careful) and so did my Ma.  And yes, I probably accept that at my age I shouldn’t still be getting cash in the birthday cards from my parents.

As you know, the tradition here at English Towers is that the birthday person gets free reign to choose whichever birthday cake they like.  Unfortunately, being Chief Domestic Goddess, that means I get to make my own.  Still, I had me Ma here.  And plenty of sodding about and giggling later, we came up with this:

First for the easy peasy pastry:

115g butter, melted

100g caster sugar

200g plain flour

Pinch of salt

Preheat the oven to 180/gas 4.  Pour the melted butter into the sugar and stir.  Then add the flour and salt and mix it around until it becomes a thick paste.  Press the mixture into a loose bottomed (steady) flan dish or baking tin  (about 24cm should do it), then bake it blind (scrunch up a bit of greaseproof paper, then smooth it over the pastry and pour in the baking beans) for about 15 minutes.  Then take it out of the oven, remove the baking beans and put it back in to cook the base for about another 5 minutes, then take it out and leave to cool.  Turn the oven down to gas 2/150 degrees.

Meanwhile, make the raspberry curd.  We couldn’t find fresh raspberries, so we used a decent tinned brand and just squished the contents through a sieve, but you can use the bought stuff or just purée some fresh ones:

100g butter

4 tbsp raspberry purée

1 lime, zested then juiced

150g caster sugar

2 eggs plus 1 extra yolk (keep the white for the meringue)

Take a saucepan and bung in the butter, raspberry purée, lime juice and zest and caster sugar.  Melt it all together slowly until the sugar is all dissolved.  In a bowl, whisk the eggs and yolk until well combined.  Now, take your beautiful pink mixture and gently pour a little bit into the egg, whisking all the time, then a bit more, then a bit more, until you’ve combined about half of it with the eggs.  Now pour that lot back into the saucepan and keep whisking and simmering until the mixture thickens – remember it’s going to be baked in the pie, so don’t worry about making it really spready consistency at this stage.  Turn off the heat and leave to cool.  Remember to just stir it occasionally to keep it from getting a skin on.  When it’s about room temperature, pour it into the pastry case.

Then for the meringue:

4 egg whites

225g caster sugar

Whisk the eggs in a very clean bowl until they form stiff peaks, then keep whisking while you add the sugar, spoon by spoon, until it’s all incorporated and the meringue is thick and glossy.  If it’s your birthday and you’re rather prone to things pink and gorgeous, you can add a couple of drops of raspberry juice or cochineal here to give a delicate pinkness to your billowy meringue.  It’s best not to do this after several glasses of wine because it all gets a bit silly and giggly.  What?  Oh, no, of course I don’t mean me.  Pile it all on top of the raspberry curd and fluff it up a bit.  Bake in the very low oven (gas 2/150 degrees) for about 40 to 50 minutes, depending on how squelchy you like your meringue. 

Garnish with pink edible glitter (okay so you don’t really have to do that bit) and serve with a nice bottle of chilled rosé Prosecco and the company of your wonderful family.  Cheers! 

And no, I have no idea what the jar of Hellmann’s is doing in the background completely spoiling my shot.  I blame the alcohol.

So this started off as a Black Forest Gateau until I realised I had no cherries.  Or any whipping cream.  Or any Kirsch.  Anyhoo, with true birthday bloody-mindedness I set to work making some other sort of cake.  There are plenty of times when my experiments end up in the bin, but seeing as it’s my birthday, I thought I was on a winner as the only one likely to dip out if it was a disaster was me.  The result, as you can see, was rather good.   And I should know, I had three pieces.

6 oz butter

6oz golden caster sugar

3 eggs

5 oz self raising flour

1 oz cocoa powder

1 bar Green & Black’s dark chocolate

Blackberry jam to fill

For the ganache:

1 bar Green & Black’s dark chocolate

1 small tub single cream

Preheat the oven to 180 degrees and grease and line two cake tins.  Melt the bar of chocolate in a bowl over some simmering water.  While you’re waiting, cream the butter and sugar with an electric whisk until really light and fluffy.  Turn the mixer down low and mix in the eggs one at a time (remember if it starts to curdle just bung in a spoonful of flour).  Sieve the flour and cocoa and fold into the mixture.  Then stir in your cooled, melted chocolate (make sure it’s just blood temp).  Divide the mix into the two tins and bake for 15-20 minutes until the middle just springs back when you touch it.  Tip the sponges out onto a rack to cool.

Now melt the other bar of choccy and when cooled again, whisk in enough cream to give a nice, smooth pouring consistency.  Take your first cake, spread thickly with the blackcurrant jam, then take the second cake, smother with the chocolate ganache and splodge onto first cake.  Empty the rest of the ganache over the top, smear it about a bit and decorate garishly with white chocolate buttons.  Eat, whilst still warm, stabbing at any over-eager small children with your fork if they attempt to nick any of your cake.  After all, you’re only 38 once.

PS: Sorry about the cloth, takeaway menu and pair of jeans in the photo.  David Bailey I’m not.

For the ganache:

Small tub double cream
Small bar dark or white chocolate

Melt your butter and chocolate in a bain-marie (bowl over saucepan of simmering water) or in the microwave if you’re brave enough, but I always burn it. As always with this type of method, take it off the heat as soon as it’s well on the way as you need it just warm – you should be able to put your finger in it – any hotter and you’ll have lumps of scrambled egg in your mixture. Not attractive. In a different bowl, then, stir the eggs and the sugar until well combined, then add in the cooled butter/chocolate mixture and the flour. If you want to go completely bonkers you can add in some chopped white chocolate now which makes it look very pretty. Combine well then divide between two 8′? diameter cake tins (use spring form tins, or butter and line them as they’re a sod to get out). Bake at 180 degrees for between 25 and 30 minutes until all trace of wobble in the middle is gone and they look all cracked on the top. They’ll still be nice and fudgy in the middle.

Leave them to cool on a wire rack while you make the ganache. Again, melt the chocolate (I used dark again, but you can make white chocolate ganache which looks very pretty in this), making sure it’s not too hot, then slowly whisk in a splosh of cream. If it looks too thick add a bit more and continue until it’s a nice spreading consistency. Don’t panic if you make it too runny as it’ll thicken up in the fridge.

Whisk the rest of the cream, then place your first layer of brownie cake onto your serving dish or cake stand. Spread first with a layer of ganache, then with a layer of the whipped cream and add your second cake layer. Spread more ganache on the top. Add candles, sing happy birthday, serve, then sit back and revel in all that calorie-induced glory.

Disreputable Dad, having recently discovered technology, is now able to berate me by email (typed, apparently, over several hours and with one finger) as well as phone, and says he doesn’t read the recipes. So here, for everyone except DD, is #1′s chocolate cheesecake. Well, I couldn’t find a chocolate cheesecake recipe anywhere that didn’t involve either baking it (he didn’t want a baked one) or faffing about with leaves of gelatine and all that rubbish. So, in the spirit of pushing culinary boundaries, I made one up. And, happily, it’s turned out alright. Here goes:

100g butter
300g pack of chocolate digestives
500g cream cheese
100g icing sugar
200 ml cream
Bar of Green and Black’s dark chocolate (the smaller one not the monster)

So, cut a chunk of butter (it was about ¼ of a big, 1lb pack, so roughly 100g) but you could use a bit less if you’re a supermodel, or dieting or whatever (but then what would be the point of eating a cheesecake stuffed with cream and chocolate?), then break up the biscuits with a potato masher (very satisfying, but you could do it in the food processor) so they are just crumbs. Melt the butter in a jug in the microwave then stir into the biscuits. Press into the bottom of a springform tin, then put into the fridge to cool.

Meanwhile, break up your chocolate, melt it in a dish over a pan of hot water (NOT in the microwave, heathen!), and leave to cool slightly (my Mum added that bit when I told her what I was doing). Put the cream cheese (it was 2 ½ packs – you probably could use three but it seemed an awful lot) into a bowl and sieve the icing sugar into it. Beat it all together, then add your cooled chocolate and stir so it makes a nice gooey mess. Whip your cream (that was my idea!!) and fold it in. Pile it all over the biscuit base and leave to cool in the fridge.

I’m going to make a sugar syrup with a half and half mixture of water and sugar, then reduce it and add the raspberries, then pour it on top of the cheesecake, but hey, do what you like, it’s your cheesecake.