Small boys: a user’s guide
Okay, so having had the sole pleasure of my youngest son’s company for the whole weekend, I’ve deduced a few facts and have also come up with a few handy hints for you, should you ever find yourself stranded with such a creature in future:
1. However wonderful they are (well, he does have your genes), small boys tell large fibs; don’t believe a word he says, especially if these words pertain to whether or not he has washed/changed his underwear this week/cleaned his teeth/made that mess in the front room.
2. Now you know the truth about their ‘active imagination’, it’s best to supervise said washing/cleaning/mess making so that you can help/force them into it/criticise (delete as appropriate).
3. It’s not a conversation unless they can disagree with you and/or answer you back. Withering looks are a distinct possibility here too.
4. Dogs and nine year olds are a dangerous combination. Any phrases such as ‘I didn’t LET him in to my room and allow him to sleep in my bed all night, he did it himself’ are as believable as a hefty greyhound being able to open a closed door with its nose, snuggle up with its head on the pillow (and begin to snore loudly) without any assistance.
5. A thorough knowledge of ‘The Suite Life of Zach and Cody’, Pokemon, GT3, The Simpsons and ‘That’s So Raven’ are advisable if much of what comes out of the small boy’s mouth is to be even remotely understandable.
6. Small boys love to play the electric guitar (with serious amounts of feedback) loudly at 7am on Saturday mornings. You have been warned.
7. Small boys are often inappropriately affectionate. Be on your guard for a random and aggressive cuddle when you are holding something like a large glass of red wine, or have just painted your nails. In the same vein, kisses are only ever offered when the owner’s mouth is covered in something sticky or unsightly.
8. Small boys can tolerate shopping for precisely the amount of time it takes to trawl HMV for unsuitable, parental advisory CDs and get you to buy him some new combats in Next. After this time, the plaintive call of the small boy: ‘I’m SO boooooorrrrred’, complete with accompanying dramatic sighing can be heard echoing round many a shopping centre.
9. Your small boy can survive on little fuel, but beware the secret scoffing of an entire packet of HobNobs, leading onto a theatrical ‘phew, I’m stuffed’ two mouthfuls into your healthy home-made dinner. Further, beware of large and greedy greyhounds relieving small boys of half their furtive packets of HobNobs and then lovingly burping biscuity breath into your face all evening.
10. And finally (I tried to avoid it, but it’s inescapable) small boys have an inner beacon that makes them use the toilet and then forget to flush seconds before visitors arrive at the house. (Well, why do you think I call him #2?).
So there you have it. I think I covered everything. Unfortunately they’re non-returnable, but with careful handling they end up turning into their father. Oh bugger.
One Response to “Small boys: a user’s guide”
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Sandra in Maryland says:
seems I missed that one…. snortingly funny!
