Playground politics: do two wrongs never make a right?
Okay, so this is a long piece for me, but bear with me as I’d welcome any comments. Sometimes growing up is difficult: stuff happens and as a parent you’re supposed to have a solution – a piece of advice for the child to follow so that the situation doesn’t rear its ugly head again.
Take my youngest. I know I’m biased but he’s a lovely chap; happy, sporty, smiley and a lot of fun. He can be a huge pain in the arse, granted, but generally he’s pretty easy going. He lost his sparkle for a while when he had a difficult time at his last school, but he’s fitted in just fine at the local school and comes back full of tales of what he’s been up to, with a big smile on his face.
I do think, though, that what he went through at that school knocked his confidence. He plays well with a bunch of kids, but although he’s friendly and likes them all, seems to keep a little bit of distance. I’ve taken the opportunity, while the big fella’s away to encourage him to ask a couple of different kids round to play. We’ve had one so far, which went well, and he’s slowly getting used to the idea again.
Recently, though, a child that he plays with quite a bit said something mean to him. This is normal kid-to-kid stuff and nothing unusual – a little playground snipe. A play, quite cleverly, on the fact that #2 doesn’t hang around with many people. ‘You’ve got no friends’, said Child A. ‘Yes I have’, said #2, ‘go on, then, name them…’ said Child A.
Now at home, none of us are backward in coming forward – we are all quite quick with the wisecracks and #2 is no different – he’s very well equipped to deliver a stinging rejoinder to anything anyone can throw at him – in fact, on several occasions it’s how he gets himself in trouble: these little sarky replies going a little bit near the knuckle when directed at one’s parents. So what did #2 do? Did he redirect with a stinging comeback (of which he’s quite capable)? No. He dissolved into tears, tried valiantly (but failed miserably) to hide it and carried on. I went to talk to him and found out what had been said, and this is where I’m doubting myself.
In fact, with the benefit of hindsight, I’m furious with myself. I talked to Jen about it afterwards who quite rightly said ‘what, and you didn’t say anything to Child A?’ Er.. no. I’m terrible with any sort of confrontation. If there’s any telling off to be done, I tend to direct it to the group as a whole and will ignore things with other children that I would no way tolerate in my own kids. I took #2 to one side, told him that he should brush himself down, ignore it and get on with stuff – that he knew better than to take any notice of silly ‘sticks and stones’ rubbish like that.
But have I made it worse? By not taking Child A to one side and saying ‘now hang on, that was mean and I won’t tolerate you being mean in my house’ have I shown Child A that spite has no consequences? That next time #2 gets on Child A’s nerves will they deal with it by another spiteful comment? By not encouraging #2 to fight back (verbally), do I make him less well equipped to deal with the slings and arrows of the playground?
Hubby is of the opinion that if someone is mean to you then you’re quite entitled to be mean back: ‘f*ck that’, he told #2, if Child A’s mean to you again you bloody well give it back double. You know you can’. However, I’ve always followed the tack that two wrongs don’t make a right, but now I’m starting to wonder if Hubby’s right and that the best course of action would have been for #2 to turn round to Child A and deliver one of his rather witty and stinging put-downs. Child A would be instantly silenced, and everyone would carry on.
We talked about it a bit last night ‘but you’ve always told me not to be mean’, argued #2, ‘in fact, the one time I did say something back to Child A when I was at their house, #1 told you and you went mental’. This is true. It was a lot to do with the fact that I feel strongly that my children should be polite in someone else’s home – I was furious to think that #2 could have been overheard saying something rude when he was a guest there.
Ugh. I’m so confused. As parents, should we get involved? Should we take a step back? And if we take a step back should we allow our children to sort out their own battles in the way they best know how, even if, to a certain degree, they’re doing stuff that we wouldn’t normally encourage?
Maybe I should borrow Rosie’s book?
My boy has started pointing our peoples meaness. Difficult to enforce that no reaction to it, will actually most likely drive the other person mad. But that’s what I’ve started to do. That typed, I have also encouraged him to put repeat offenders in their place.
Tricky, tricky, tricky.
I feel as a parent if a child is horrid towards your child you should give their parent the chance to tell them it’s not acceptable, punish them if necessary (depending on just how horrid) and if they don’t do anything tell them off yourself, obviously if they’re in your house you’re the responsible adult and should tell them if they’re out of line.
Rant over. I hope #2 is ok?
Glad he’s ok x
With respect to Kid A (excellent album, by the way) given that you have a more than popping-round-to-play relationship with them, a rebuke certainly isn’t out of the question. You’re the grownup in this situation. You know the damage this stuff can do to a sensitive lad. Perhaps this kid simply hasn’t anyone at their end to tell them it’s not on?
I’ve seen you tell off the lads when it’s required and fair trot. Your son is your son and your home is your home. A short ‘I don’t want to hear you speak like that again in this house’ followed by a biting of the tongue when Crazyhorse unleashed his legendary wit and things will fall naturally into place.
Don’t worry Missus. Every parent faces something like this sometimes. I still shudder to remember my sobbing and distraught lad begging me to go round to his best friends house when he was just 6 to see if his lack of a Birthday invite was a ‘mistake’. I did and it wasn’t. Sometimes, other kids (and their parents) don’t live their lives by the standards you set for yourself and your family. Expecting them to fight bullets with feathers won’t get them very far.
Give my darling lad a rib cracking hug for me. And have one yourself. XX
LM: I think you’re right – it’s just so hard to let go of that ‘you must never be rude to people’ mantra. I think ‘you must never be rude except when extremely rude people are rude to you first’ might have to be adopted as the new rule
Jen: Wise words as usual, thanks. ‘Fight bullets with feathers’ is a great line too! x
I guess as you say I have to step back and let him get on with it, but with the confidence that comes from knowing that we’ll support him if he’s legitimately fighting back (verbally!!).
You know because he comments here too – that all is well now despite all this.. but the interesting one is my daughter, younger by 4 years, she watched all the bullying and made her plan… she made friends with all the bullies and ‘hard cases’ and by doing this she didn’t have any problems…
I think we can be too close, too ready to protect – I’m afraid that like us – they have to find their own way!
Growup: You’re right (although possibly not about the dead leg!). I thought Tamsin’s screaming in the person’s face was classic – although maybe not so effective aged 11, granted.
I should have gone into the school more and raised a stink, but ONLY because some of the bullying was being perpetrated by the staff.
Kid to kid relationships, once past nine or ten, are far better left to the kids, in my opinion. The best thing of all, in a bullying situation, is if a friend sticks up for you, but of course, this can’t be planned, and when it’s a friend who causes the upset it’s more difficult.
I think, basically, this is something he’s going to have to work through for himself. As SPD says, you don’t want him to be seen as a Mummy’s Boy, that would only cause more problems for him. And all of this is part of growing up and learning how to manage relationships. I do hope he’ll be OK, but I’m sure with your help and sensible guidance, he will be. You may need to trust in the strong foundation you’ve already given him – the first step in allowing him to become fully independent, you might say.
Our stance was to provide full and total support as parents, to the extent of going against the teachers at times (but since they were involved I felt more than justified), a listening ear and sensible advice.
He’s now 24, and that period of his life still rankles for him. He has long since forgiven the kids, but will probably never forgive the adults who were supposed to protect him but instead added their spite and poison to his misery. However, he tells me now that going through that mess made him a stronger and more tolerant person, and on balance, he’s actually glad it happened to him.
That’s something I never thought I’d hear him say.
as someone who was very badly bullied i’m with your hubs. fight fire with fire, then they’ll move on to the next victim. i ingored the bullies and it didn’t work! i finally slapped the ring leader (after she slapped me) when i was 17 and she left me alone at very long last.
you were right not to lay into child a, although i would recommend saying something along the lines of ” i won’t have you being spiteful in my house.” my mum used to come to school and go and talk to the teachers and the kids….i was thumped twice as hard after that !! horrid situation for you, i’d rather me the parent of a victim than of a bully..how dya sort that sort of weirdness out xxx
Towny: Bloody hell, girl! But yes, I think you’re right. After reading all these comments I think the best thing is to give him the support and confidence to deal with it himself, but not to tolerate any shit under my own roof. But yes, you’re right. I do look at certain children occasionally and think ‘thank God my kids are so much nicer than you’
xx