Nethers knowingly undermanicured
Fellow blogger K8 the Great recently did a fantastic piece on the trials and tribulations that us laydees suffer to become hair free – or at least less hairy than we were before. Now I ummed and ahhhed about telling you this, wary of the fact that I’m constantly giving you far too much personal information and one day you’ll just all bugger off because either a) I’ll go over the top and you’ll be too disgusted to come back , or b) You’ll know absolutely everything about me and won’t need to read any more. But what the hell. I was swayed by the fact that I told J (in confidence, natch) about this and she told me I HAD to blog about it, but to say it happened to a friend. Then there was a pause. ‘Oh hang on though’, she said, ‘then they’ll all think it was me. You’ll have to fess up’. So here I am, then, baring my soul once again just to extract a cheap laugh out of you.
So there’s something just horrific about going to have a bikini wax. First up, I always seem to get the girl that’s about twelve. It’s bad enough having to lie on a bed with your legs contorted behind your ears while some random stranger tortures you by ripping out your nether-hair (or ‘lady garden’ as J calls it), without it being a lithe and wide-eyed young stick insect doing the ripping. You can almost hear her thinking ‘ohhhh, so THAT’s what I’ll look like when I’ve had two children – I’m keeping my legs crossed, like, forever’.
Anyhoo, digressing. I decided to spare myself the embarrassment and go for one of those home waxing kits. Basically, you get a pot of wax which you just microwave until it’s runny, smooth a dollop onto your hairy bits, wait a min until it hardens, then rip it off along with all your unwanted stragglers. Easy. Except the stuff is so bloody sticky, you end up with great sticky strings of goo attaching themselves everywhere. I managed to stick the spatula thing to my thigh, then drop it onto the bath mat, then when I picked it up there was a big sticky string of gloop attaching me to the bathmat which then got stuck to my shin, and another attaching my boob to the sticky patch on my thigh…. And finally, just when I was getting the hang of it, the stuff had got so hard it needed microwaving again. And that’s when it happened. I forgot it.
In my defence, Bert was doing that rather anxious rushing to the door then rushing back up to me thing that he does when he needs to go out, so I took him out, and then I was wrapped up with putting my wellies away and then finally I registered that strange humming noise: the microwave. Oh shit. Well, the wax was certainly melted, in fact, it was completely liquid, along with the pot it came in. My entire pot of bikini wax was now swimming around in the bottom of my microwave in a big purple and brown treacly mess, with the label floating happily on the surface.
Oh. My. God. I cannot begin to tell you how long it has taken me, with kettles full of water, spatulas, white spirit, an entire pack of kitchen roll and two pairs of rubber gloves (the fingers of the first pair stuck firmly together and refused to budge) to extricate the sticky, stringy pool of congealed mess from the bottom of my microwave. At one stage, I brushed my hair out of my eyes and ended up with a big blob of the stuff hanging from my eyebrow. God, who invented such evil, vile-smelling goop? I bet it was a man. I reckon it’s what the Saxons used to tar and feather people.
Still, looking on the bright side, my microwave is now gleaming, I did manage to get my bikini wax done first. And, as I pointed out to J, at least my knickers won’t fall down any time soon.
I will share a little known but very useful fact with you – microwave ovens have timers!
Just how long did you set that hapless oven for???
You certainly cheered me up though!
Regarding wax – forget about it! Go for that stuff: http://www.nads.com/women.html
Less painful, smells quite nice and washes off like dream! Most importantly – just as efficient!
And that’s coming from human equivalent to grisly bear!
Foreigner: Timers? Pah, they’re for sensible people. I’ve got one of those microwaves that has a start button that puts it on for a minute. I just press that multiple times and then check to see when it’s done. Or forget, in this case. Ooh, I’ll check it out. I won’t say Go Nads! In case somebody takes offence. Oops.
Sleepy: See? I’ve much more to be depressed about than you – I’m me!
I’ve never done anything remotely like that, of course. Oh no. Not me.
For one thing, I must be one of the five people in England that do not own a microwave.
Thanks for the laugh!
Anyway I am sure they have seen worse
PS thanks for making my day at work brighter EM – I was getting a little frustrated but you made me laugh and my mood lifted
TM: Glad to be of service! Maybe that’s the trick – to imagine some of the horrors they must see on a daily basis – I can’t possibly be the worst, can I?!
Does it hurt?…the waxing I mean, not the cleaning of the microwave because I already know thats painful.
I normally use a cream and I’ve been thinking that wax might be more effective since we’re off to Italy to rent villas with a large group of V fashionable and apparently hairless friends this year and I’d really love an immaculate bikini line but don’t want to go through tha agonies with a stranger watching.
Spill.
I had my legs waxed once for charity … I am very impressed how you girls do it .. !
Still, can’t be as bad as a back, sack and crack wax the fellas go through ….
My mate Harv has his back waxed, but he is hairy like a bear !
Oh, please God tell me that isn’t what I think it is!
No! Too late! Mental image in full colour on it’s way!
BLEUGH!
XO
Moon: I’m with J. Bleurgh! Aw I love Harv though – he’s hairy but lubly. And stop it, you’re making me nauseous.
J: Don’t encourage him for goodness sake.
Susan: Hmmm…slightly extreme way to get hair-free though. Glad you’re still here to tell the tale by the way. The blog wouldn’t be the same without you! xx
Sleepy: Aw shucks *blushes* xx
Thrifty: Glad you recovered. The red wine/white wine/Guinness combo will definitely be one to avoid in future methinks. I can’t believe we’re all having so much fun discussing bikini waxing. I’m loathe to post something else in case it stops.
Himselfs’ birthday is coming up…
Miaow!
No more self torture for me though, I’ve had it with wax. I’m Bic’s bitch now…
Why do we bother? Stupid. Truly. But we do it anyway…
And the back, sack thing? Hilarious. But I bet that hurts.
Glad you got the ‘wave squared away, though. Your boys would be completely grossed out if they had to char their hot dogs amidst all that chick wax…
I’d be with K8 and be Bic’s bitch, if they made some sort of razor that did eyebrows…
Jen: Swarovski Crystal Fandango LOL!!! He’s one lucky critter!!
Moon: You can’t call it that – doesn’t that mean arse in the States? I used to babysit for a woman said to her daughter ‘and don’t forget to wash your jemima’ when she was in the bath.
K8: Bic’s bitch? LMFAO!!! (for those of you not current in forum-speak that’s Laugh My F*ckin Arse Off). Microwave has recovered but the hot chocolate smelt a bit strange this morning.
Cam: I’m an eyebrow plucker meself. Although I did once get them waxed and got the ol’ sunvisor forehead you mention. Trouble is, then you have to look all unkempt until they’re long enough to do again. Tis a conundrum for sure x
Nats: I know! Look away for five minutes and there’s a massive bikini wax discussion going on. Laser didn’t work for me – six sessions and HUNDREDS of quid and the little f*ckers are still there x
I get my eyebrows waxed and god that’s bothersome enough – letting my ‘brows go all scruffy before getting it done. I always vow to do it myself more but inevitably end up butchering one eyebrow or both with the ‘permanent arch of suprise’… and end up back at the beauty salon begging for help.
Will have to take up Deb’s suggestion of Brazilia for more, er, intimate grooming. Sounds like that place is the promised land.
I was relating to Hubby the story of you getting your boob stuck to your thigh – with a lifeline to your bathmat…
Hubby responds with “Which woman are we talking about now? You, or her?”
I’m tellin’ ya…