Nature versus Nutter
So I’m reading this book at the moment by Oliver James called ‘They F*** You Up’. The title is based on that poem by Philip Larkin:
‘They f*** you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra just for you.’
When I was at college (oh yes, I may be featherbrained but there’s an IQ buried deep in there somewhere) I really enjoyed sociology – all that nature vs nurture stuff is incredibly interesting – and this book is based along those lines. It’s all about whether you really do inherit certain traits from your parents, or if it’s how you’re brought up that makes a difference. James contends that how you were cared for during your first six formative years shapes the person that you are. Nurture, therefore, creates nature.
One interesting point was his argument against the ‘well I’m totally different from my brother/sister but was brought up exactly the same way’ argument. The author argues against this by saying that no, you weren’t brought up the same way. In a family all the children have their own little roles to play and, in turn, are treated differently because of it. Think about it for a minute: were you the oldest, given more responsibility and hence, the one who tried hard to please your parents and echo their values? Or maybe you’re the youngest: carefree and inclined to taking risks? Then there’s the middles, often rebels without a cause, off trying to find themselves and their role in life.
So, your parents treated you differently depending on when you arrived. They bestowed all their hopes and dreams onto you lucky (or unlucky) firstborns, expecting great things, but then quickly cast you aside if a second one came along and expected you to pull your weight. Being required to act responsibly often makes firstborns less inclined to take risks, leaving all the silly buggering about to us pampered and carefree lastborns. Lastborns, in turn, learn how to fit in with (or ‘suck up’ to) our responsible and sometimes bossy older siblings. This can make us good team players. Or, it can make us shifty little manipulators.
All these little quirks and foibles make our parents treat us differently, but that’s just the beginning – the treatment that we receive in our formative years can be affected by how we look, how far apart in age we are from our siblings… all sorts of stuff. But hang on, I thought, something’s wrong. You see, I’m the youngest and although my brothers will probably attest that I got away with murder or got to go to bed later or whatever, I’m certainly not the risk taking nutter that Oliver James reckons I should be. I’m not a team player either; in fact I’m an unsociable sod who has a very small but select group of friends to whom I am incredibly attached. Ah, but James can explain this too: lastborns, living in the shadow of their responsible older siblings, can also be less self confident, although they can also be easier going and more open to new experiences. And he’s right on numerous other things: I’m very affectionate and touchy-feely. And being my parents’ only girl, and a blonde one at that (apparently this is important), this would be borne out by the likelihood that I was cuddled, and possibly given the benefit of the doubt when naughty, more than average.
Captivating stuff eh? So okay, one shouldn’t spend too long analysing oneself. I’m sure it’s very unhealthy. But a little navel gazing can be thought provoking stuff. If you get a chance, buy this book. Or if you’re a sensible firstborn, borrow it from the library.
Can vouch for that definitely. I’ve learned more in my commitment to analysis on the couch than any amount of navel gazing by myself. If you have a good shrink though she/he can stave you away from mere narcissim and lead you to places that you never knew could exist…seriously.
On the siblings and ideas in this book, I’m a middler and can say with some degree of surety that I look up to the older one and want to mollycoddle the younger one. Always trying to steer a middle course in arguments, not giving firm answers, difficulty with commitment and all that stuff too though. Remember as well that your parents are dynamically thinking people with their own growth paths too. I forgot this years ago and my shrink is probably the only beneficiary!
Places? realisation that I’m not a superhuman being with control over everything, that I have to let go of things that are so far in the past that they only matter to my own memory, that unpredictability is welcome, that being in the present moment is more important than worrying about something that may or may not happen at all in the future, that my gf’s feelings are real and to treat her badly is a reflection on me and not her, the usual boy things, not to take myself so seriously etc etc…..
One day I’ll blog about this in more detail.