In which our hero wonders exactly where home is
I am sad, dearest reader. Confused and sad. This is unlike me. I am usually happy. In fact, I’m usually so happy and perky that I verge on the irritating. I suspect some people close to me have to rein in their slap reflex when I’m in full happy.
But everything seems bad at the moment. There is a dark cloud hovering over English Towers that just won’t shift.
The Death Wish Child is unhappy. This is not like him. He’s perky too (I wonder where he gets it from?) – a ray of sunshine who brightens any room. Our very own Mr Blue Sky. But he misses his mates in England and, try as he might, just hasn’t really settled here. He’s a livewire – he’s sporty and outdoorsy – but they only have one PE lesson a week. Plus, he misses the skatepark. He’s hard wired to hurl himself around in a dangerous fashion (the clue’s in the name). He doesn’t feel quite right unless he’s a bit bruised. He is constantly glued to Facebook, talking to his English mates and making himself even more homesick.
Our recent trip back home made him – well, all of us, a little sadder than before.
‘Maybe he just needs to be active?’, said P, the lovely hubby of Poppy’s Mum. ’Get him down the GAA, that’ll sort him out’. But they shout at you a lot at the GAA, it’s just not his bag – he’s a laid back dude. And at the latest game, one of the lads said to him ‘I don’t pass to English people’. Another sneered ‘you don’t belong here’. Thanks fellas. Another nail in the coffin.
English Dad is mostly in England. There’s no work in Ireland and he rarely gets back to see us. This is hard. I’m not cut out to be a single mum. I need family: hugs and banter, long, drawn-out mealtimes, clinking glasses and laughter. Solitary evenings with a glass of wine in front of CSI just don’t do it for me. As hard as I try.
I love this house. This is our dream house. I love the garden… the interior that we spent happy hours choosing: my gorgeous kitchen, the fabulous fireplace… my dream oven… the chickens rootling in the garden… everything perfect.
But is it just a house? Did I make a mistake bringing my family back here because I missed it? I was worried about them growing up attending a big Comprehensive school – maybe mixing with the wrong sort of people… Should I have given them more credit? We thought it would be fine… was I wrong?
The Mad Professor wants to go home too. The lure of the Sixth Form is strong – he can do ‘all that nerdy shit’ that he loves: Maths with Mechanics… Physics… Over here, you do the same subjects for Leaving Cert as you do at Junior Cert – everything. It’s not for him. He’s got his future mapped out. England’s the place to be.
And me? I miss my family. I love my brothers. I want to be with my parents. The recent trip to the Albert Hall was classic Disreputable Dad. The Mad Professor was limping in a ridiculously flamboyant fashion after twisting his ankle at his cousin’s (miraculously, it was completely healed the next day). Trying to bag a taxi in London when you’ve got a teenager limping like Jake the Peg isn’t easy. I got cross. The DD got cross with me. There was swearing. But there was silliness too. And flag waving. Food and wine and laughter. I miss all of it. (Yes, even the swearing).
My mum comes to visit. But it’s not the same as popping in and saying hi, sharing tea, swapping recipes, going shopping…
‘Sometimes you have to try something, after trying something else (!) to find out it doesn’t suit everyone’, said my friend Foxy sagely. She noticed that I wasn’t as ‘ebullient’ (great word, by the way, Fox) as usual, during our recent trip. And she’s right.
‘Home is where the heart is’ is a confusing phrase. English Towers will always be our home – happy memories abound here: family Christmases, visits from friends, sunny wanders down the boat road…
But when everyone spends every day missing people they love… wanting different things? Is it time to call it a day?
I’m sure there must be reasons for staying where you are – apart from the fabulous house, although I understand the pull that alone can have. You’ve obviously put a lot of work into it and as you say it’s your dream home. But missing your family can be a killer. From my point of view, now that my parents have gone I’d prefer to be far away from the rest of my family!
What does English Dad think? Can you recreate your lovely home somewhere else?
Good luck, lovely lady, we want you to be happy x
Do what’s right. You’ve had to try different things out to figure what that is, now don’t dilly dally.
I attended 11 different schools and lived in about 20 (no exaggeration!) different houses before I was 16. Never did me any harm
(well…lol)
I never know you moved around that much… Wow. Thanks for the reassurance. You certainly came out alright! x
My house here, like yours, is my dream house, I love it.
I still, however, miss my mum and dad and the pain of this can be a strong physical pain at times and I have shed tears on numerous occasions since moving here. Telephone calls are not the same as the real person looking back at you chatting away.
My husband and kids are settled here, it took the eldest about a year, the youngest was a baby when we moved across sohe doesn’t remember. The job situation is such that I have a great job here as does OH so he refuses to move back.
If you are not happy and you can move, then do so. There will always be another house, you can decorate it whatever way you want to. If it is just a time thing and you think it will settle then give it a little more time. It has to suit all of you, but be realistic, because rose tinted glasses are too easy to wear and sometimes when I go home I can see that what we have is a good thing.
If you are sure, then go for it and it will work out. It may be a bit bumpy at times, but hey- life is always bumpy.
What ever your decision, I wish you well (and if you do move home I will be jealous but very happy for you).xx
P.S. This is the longest response I have ever written on a blog.
No practical advice, but a huge virtual hug xx
Do you have a dream “home” or a dream “house”? Because “home” is the building AND all that comes with it, heart and soul. If I had to move now, back to where I grew up, even though my friends and close family would only be an hour or so away, I would miss them like CRAZY. And would not be happy.
Your children are incredibly important right now, and if they’re not happy, there is no way you are going to be happy, let’s face it. There are answers which you already know…but maybe it could be the best thing you could do for you and your family?
Stuff what other people think. You know your own heart and soul AND that of your family better than anyone else out there. x
When we left our amazing house for a better life in the UK we did not look back once because we knew we were doing the right thing. And to date we have not once regretted the move.
If your heart is telling you to do something, and you know your family feels the same, it probably means you should listen.
And it’ not like you’re just doing it on a whim, you’ve given it a fair chance and it’s not improving!
But I know it’s much easier for me to say than for you to actually do, so good luck and I hope you and your family find a solution where you are all happy. xx
PLUS I’d volunteer myself to be your food tester (I’m particularly qualified in the areas of breads and cakes). Yes, I’d do that for you – that’s just the kind of generous, giving person that I am.
You’re packing already, aren’t you?? x
1. You have to do whatever will make you and the rest of the family happy.
2. A house is a house until you make it a home. Bricks and mortar won’t do that.
3. I travelled from pillar to post when growing up (the wonders of an Army upbringing) and it made me all the better for it
4. Talk to the kids and English Dad and make the decision together.
5. If you do move back to the UK, please make sure you have a spare room
x
Listen to the little voice inside.
And feck any begrudgers it’s your life and your families. Go where the swearing, silliness, flag waving, food and wine and laughter are most abundant.
When I come back from a visit to the UK, I am always miserable for about a week, and have English TV and radio on, eat English food and read UK press.
It sounds incredibly difficult trying to live your dream life without your “other half”, and if your kids aren’t settled. I hope you can make the right decision, so that all your family will be happy. You can take your great experiences of your house and create another wonderful home. Good luck!
I hope it wasn’t the transgendered fowl that pushed you over the edge x
Everyone has said it before me and obviously, you know what the right move is for you.
My family are 4000 miles away which never really bothered me until we had Little Miss. Now it hurts me because she won’t have the same relationship with her maternal grandparents that she does with her paternal grandparents.
My inlaws (who live 5 minutes away) have been in Australia for the last 4 wks & won’t be back for 2 1/2 more. I’m realising now how important it is to have family around as I really do miss them!
As for “single parenting”…I’m not made for it either. I crumble horrifically with the absence of my husband so I totally empathise with you on that one.
I do believe a summer move back to your homeland is in order. We’ll all bring a dish to stock your new fridge!
Hugs to you and good luck with your BIG decision!
Karin
It sounds like your children would have no problems moving back to the UK so maybe the biggest issue for most people is taken away.
My wife and I agreed long ago to stay in the same house in the same Dutch town until our youngest is 18. For me that’s because of having gone to boarding school and being separated from my family from a young age. I am great believer in the core family unit and it sounds to me that your feelings are a reflection of the same. There is a big emotional drive to keep everybody under one roof if possible. Ideally this is in the same place as long as possible but life is often not ideal and economics, politics or family and social reasons can change our plans. The heart normally knows the right path to follow.
I uprooted my children six years ago, albeit only 11 miles away to the next town but it was at a time when I’d just lost my mum (their grandma) and I wanted a new start – they wanted their friends. They hated me for it. We found our “forever” house but couldn’t afford it and we’re in a house that we love but we have no garden and the structure needs too much repair. It’s a compromise for the time being.
I think you already know what you want to happen but we have this way of talking ourselves out of change, don’t we?
Well.I beleive that its a dilema you all have to face .What does the husband think ? I guessed when you were here that if a magic wand could suddenly produce a good financial deal for english towers that you three would be back like a shot .:Personally I would love to have you all living nearby (not too close mind about 30 miles away JOKE) You have to do what you think is best for S and C particularly in view of the important time in their education .Let me know if you want to chat however the advice youve received seems sound ,Much love D.D.
Love you xxx
Thanks for your good wishes and wise words xx
Don’t worry, I think your boys do have real stability. It’s not about staying in the same house or school. it’s about having parents who care.
Personally, I’m desperate to go home but the situation won’t allow it right now. Maybe one day… But you’ve made me think about what I’d be going back to – it won’t be the idealised version in my head and that’s good for me to remember
I would have given my right arm for a comment like that about my “homecoming” which was nearly 3 years ago now. After living in France on and off since I was 14 and thinking I would be there for the rest of my life, my husband moved out, back to England with his girlfriend and I followed 2 years later. I wanted the Ds to be close to their Daddy and from that point of view I don’t regret it at all. But although they are only 30 mins away from me here, my Ma and Pa bought a house 10 minutes from ours in France and they spend many months of the year there still. My best friends are almost all there. My godmother and her family are there.
I still feel as if it is home. Strange huh!
I have rebuilt my life here, and am an active member of my community in a way which was never really possible in France. I have a new partner and know now that if I want us to stay together (which I very much do!), I will have to stay here. It is hard however.
So I do understand. In a funny roundabout way. And I recommend going home – to wherever home is. Because you can’t beat it. No matter what or who you have elsewhere. Go home with your family and join them all up together again. Be happy.
Much, much love,
Lulu xxxx
I sincerely wish you the very best and am comforted by the fact that we will still get you online so you are not really moving away from us! Loads of love, Imen xx
Sending you a big virtual hug that will be replaced by a real one (with added cocktails) on June 25th
xxx
Good Luck with whatever you decide x x
I’m sure you know yourself, and all the comments have pointed it out as well – if you’re unhappy, don’t stay. No-one will criticise you for doing what’s best for your family – no-one has the right to do it – no-one knows what’s best for you only you.