‘I’m going to stab you with a fork.’ Text conversations with English Dad

English Dad doesn’t really do texting, which is a shame because we spend a lot of our time apart.

Well, he kind of does texting, but text conversations with him usually go something like this:

Me: ‘I just don’t know what to do about the bins.  It’s really windy here and if I put them out I don’t want to be chasing down the road after them Benny Hill styley.  But if I don’t put them out then I’m worried I won’t wake up in time and miss the bin men tomorrow morning…’

Him: ‘Yes.’

So imagine my dismay, then, when I was given the honour of filling out a MASSIVE form on his behalf, knowing that he was out with his mate Johnny and that I’d have to confer with him by text.  The conversation, dearest reader, went something like this:

Me: ‘I need date you started there’

Him: ‘F*ck knows’

Me: ‘OK don’t worry I’ll work it out’

Me: ‘Then I need a personal reference and a next of kin’

Him: ‘You next of kin. What’s a personal ref?’

Me: ‘It can’t be me.  It’s someone to give you a reference’

Him: ‘Your Dad’?

Me: ‘He’s not your kin’

Him: ‘For the reference then?’

Me: ‘OK I’ll ask. Now what about next of kin. Jesus.’

Him: ‘I don’t think I’m related…’

*LOST SENSE OF HUMOUR KLAXON*

Me: ‘Oh FFS. Pick a sodding next of kin before I tear this form up’

Him: ‘Lover, next of kin is you. Why do you keep asking?’

Me: ‘OMFG it says ‘NEXT OF KIN, NOT SPOUSE’ on the form!!!!!’

Him: ‘I don’t understand, lover. Next of kin can only be you because you’re my next of kin’.

Me: ‘It says not spouse it. Are you winding me up?’

Him: ‘Johnny D says make it him’

Me: ‘I want to stab you with a fork’

Him: ‘OK then my Mum.  We still think Johnny D is best though’.

Me: ‘Sigh’

7 Responses to “‘I’m going to stab you with a fork.’ Text conversations with English Dad”

1. SJ says:

   July 3, 2012 at 6:54 am

   Instead of “Yes” I get “OK” .. to EVERYTHING!

   Do you want steak or chicken for dinner?
   OK

   Are you on your way home?
   OK

   As for those type of forms I am filling them out daily for our residency and its ridiculously stressful. I find if you need to make up a date then do .. telling a lie is grand* as long as you remember to tell the same lie all through the process!

   *if anyone from Aus immigration is reading this I am only joking, I swear.

   Reply
2. Rubbish Wife says:

   June 29, 2012 at 8:58 am

   Brilliant! This s just like those conversations AM and I have when all he hears is white noise until I say, “Well that’s ok then, I’ll just go ahead and order it.” At which point he generally turns slightly pale and says, ” Erm, what was it we were talking about again?”

   You might want to pop a cork on the end of your fork for a while

   Reply
3. Laura says:

   June 29, 2012 at 7:15 am

   My text conversations with the husband’s are similar to the first you mentioned. A long indepth witter from me, followed by ‘OK’ from him. This also represents some of our conversations in real life, except he is then able to use the grunt to answer.

   Reply
4. Tamsin says:

   June 28, 2012 at 2:21 pm

   Excellent although I feel your pain too, my hubs is a crap texter too!

   Reply
5. HELEN says:

   June 28, 2012 at 11:42 am

   haha that is so funny! I can totally relate to you, I’ve often threatened a rusty fork!

   Reply
6. Anouk says:

   June 28, 2012 at 11:10 am

   That is just priceless.
   Especially the Jesus-part.

   Looking forward to some more text conversations.

   Reply
7. Babaduck says:

   June 28, 2012 at 9:51 am

   Time to increase his life insurance cover (just in case…)

   Reply