‘Teenagers’. To quote Sebastian from The Little Mermaid: ‘they think they know everything. Give them an inch, they swim all over you’.
Mine are relatively tame… apart from the odd bout of scariness and the odd error of judgement (which would make your hair curl) they’re quite polite… do as they’re told and are good fun. One of the things I HATE, though, is the Spontaneous Unexplained Incident.
Let me explain. The Spontaneous Unexplained Incident, or SUI for short, generally occurs when there’s nobody else in the house, or after dark when everyone else is sleeping: the last KitKat vanishes, but curiously, nobody knows who ate it. There is water all over the kitchen floor, but nobody’s been in there. Handles fall off school bags… holes get ripped in blazers, but they always happen without anyone noticing and without anyone to blame.
Sometimes an SUI can even occur when EVERYONE is in, like last week when a courier called not once, but twice, while both teenagers were in the house, but seems to have knocked silently (and rung the bell silently) and put ‘while you were out’ cards through WITHOUT ANYONE HEARING. Amazing.
Our most recent SUI occurred while I was on the train home from Bloggers on Tour: West Yorkshire. As is customary with the Spontaneous Unexplained Incident, it started with The Sheepish Phone Call.
Death Wish Dude: ‘Mum, there’s been an accident’
Me: ‘Oh blimey! Is everyone alright?’
DWD: ‘Yes, but the bathroom is damaged’
Me: ‘What do you mean damaged?’
DWD: ‘All the tiles fell off the shower in your bathroom’
Me: ‘WHAAAT? What do you mean, they just ‘fell off’?!
DWD: ‘I dunno. It just happened!’
You see? A dozen tiles appeared to have just LEAPT off the wall onto the floor off the shower without any apparent help from anyone else. Spooky.
Later, careful questioning ascertained that ‘someone’ might have fallen against them (‘or something’), but even then ‘they must have been, like, really loose, ‘cos they JUST FELL OFF!’
So there you have it. If you have young children, be warned: they will grow into teenagers and, just as spring follows winter, so things in your house will start to spontaneously break, rip, fall apart or DISAPPEAR.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
[Insert Twilight Zone music here].