English Mum in Americky: 7 go mad at Walt Disney World
So here’s a thing. What would you do if an email landed in your inbox which said ‘hey, EM, fancy an all-expenses paid week at Walt Disney World in Florida?’ (okay, yours wouldn’t say EM obviously, but you get my point).
Well, if you’re Hubby you’d be instantly suspicious that it’s some kind of clever kidnap plot by a gang of human traffickers. But no, I’ve checked and it’s real. I’m off to Disney. It’s all part of the Think Parents Network of which I am a proud member – we’re a happy little band of parent bloggers that chat about various issues and give feedback on products and issues relevant to our special status as people who have produced children and feel the need to talk about it.
And oh no, as I keep pointing out to my seriously disgruntled offspring, this isn’t at all a solo jolly where 7 mummy bloggers get to run riot without their children for 7 days around Walt Disney World, oh no. This is work. We need to… erm… review things and experience things and er… stuff. Oh yes, we’ve got an itinerary and everything.
But the initial excitement has morphed into something akin to panic as I actually consider the prospect of a week away from English Towers. I mean, firstly, there’s the whole issue of what the hell they’ll do without me. Will Hubby be able to cope? Can he make packed lunches as well as I can? Will they catch the bus? Can he sort washing into colours? Can he load the machine? Will he remember to feed Bert? Will I return, happy and suntanned to find English Towers looking more like Nelson Mandela House with two wasted, grey children and an even more emaciated than usual greyhound?
And then there’s personal stuff. I mean, take my bikini line. Well, it’s less of a line, more of a rather aggressive boundary dispute between neighbours. It’s been a few months since it saw the inside of a beauty salon. And let’s face it, the DIY approach didn’t really work, did it?
And this leads me neatly on to the bikini issue. Will I need to get undressed? And will people look at my thighs? If so, will they stand up to scrutiny? Plastic surgery’s probably a little beyond my budget, and anyway, I’m a bit tight for time, frankly. Note to self: buy lots of fake tan.
Then there’s my hair. I did finally visit the hairdresser for a trim, having noticed that I was resembling the neighbouring sheep in a rather worrying fashion, but my highlights are more like mediumlights as they start around halfway down my hair, and I have no money to fix this right now. Note to self: buy a hat. A big one.
And there’s another thing: I HAVE NO MONEY! What if my fellow travellers all turn up with Gucci handbags and a goldcard, and I have to traipse around after them in some flash Florida mall while they flex their plastic and I pretend I’m really not into shopping. The shame.
And what about tipping? Do I need to take vast amounts of cash to tip everyone? I’ve never been to Americky – don’t you have to tip everyone from the porter to the taxi driver to the person that says ‘have a nice day’ and opens the door for you? They seem to do that in Two and a Half Men. I watched it yesterday as research.
Then there’s all those little worries, like will anyone actually like me? Will they already know each other? Mind you, as one of my fellow travellers pointed out, with 6 travelling companions surely at least one will tolerate me for a week? Hmm? Surely. But hang on, if there’s 7 of us, they could all pair up and leave me on my own. Ohhhh… pressure.
Will I, heady with the sudden freedom of being solo and child-free, get horribly drunk and reveal the minutiae of my love life to a stunned and silent audience? Or fall over and show the entire restaurant my knickers?
Oh God, and then there’s my knickers – will I be sharing a room with another Mum? And if so, should I buy some new knickers? Ones without holes? Will my faded pink Hello Kitty pants from H&M stand up to scrutiny?
But still, there are pluses. My first ever trip to the States… the chance to spend a week with 6 incredible fellow Mummy bloggers at an amazing place… the possibility that I might actually get to meet Phineas and Ferb… a flight (with nobody to take to the toilet!) on Virgin Atlantic… And free booze! Yay!
Be afraid, Mickey. Be very afraid.
Hubby, kids and Bert will be fine (and you know it)!
Be yourself! You are gorgeous just the way you are. Everyone will love you even if your bikini line needs attention – what will they being doing looking ‘down there’ anyway. They are all Mum’s too aren’t they!
As for Gucci handbags buy a fake if it makes you feel better and you are there to work not splash the cash!
Go, have fun and report back…. We’re all waiting!
xx
CJ xx
Nats: You’re soo nice. And no, to be honest, I probably wouldn’t buy one even if I had the money. It’ll be the rucksack and a big smile I’m afraid ! x
DBM: Phew, that’s good then. I had visions of needing loads of money, and as you know, my brain’s not big on maths. I’d probably be sitting there with my shoes and socks off trying to work out the percentage while they stood patiently with their hand out x
CJ: Hey, welcome! Wow, I love your blog too. Kisses to Sparky xx
As a mom I say, it’s up to Hubby to hold it together at home and not to worry!
I won’t look at your thighs if you don’t look at mine, I’m too scared to do the down below waxing thing so will probably be walking around with a nasty rash, or I’ll wear shorts and pretend it’s the height of swimwear fashion. I too have no money, didn’t they know I’m already saving for one Disney trip? I probs won’t be shopping either, and the last time I checked my credit card was one of the boring red ones they give to the skint folk.
That being said, I’m after a friend (or six), so how about it?
Ps are you flying to Gatwick the night before??
Good day. x
Ma: Aw, as always my biggest fan! Mwah xxx
Linda: Oh this trip is looking better and better! And I’m sorry to have to tell you this but my two boys have just laughed buckets at your gusset story. Sorreeee! Can’t wait to meet you – scary rollercoasters are us! x
Go forth and conquer America Missus!!
(but sort yer ladygarden out first)
Linda: I’m looking forward to those arse stories! Trouble is, we’re all bloggers so we know we’ll all end up writing about anything embarrassing which is a bit of a worry! x
But wouldn’t it make sense to have at least one kid along, if the point to highlight parent issues (doesn’t being a parent involve dealing with kids?). But I wouldn’t know, I’m happily child free *shudders* (sorry, I’m sure your kids are great)
I’m sure the other 6 will love you, if the worse comes to the worst, you can bake them something and they’ll be your slaves for life
Ladygarden – overgrown
Kickers – holey and big
Arse on show stories – several
Head Hair – bottom half blonde, upper half dirty blonde
Money – If only
Tan – My Dad is Scottish, I am pasty and pale
Tipping – I was thinking the same thing this very morning as I was hanging out my holey knickers on the line. Do you think they’ll accept Monopoly money?
I was supposed to be coming the night before but asked if they could fly me down on the Tuesday morning so I can still work on the Monday. I may have to rethink it all now.
Vicky: I was thinking of bringing along some double chocolate cookies as bribery
Yes, that’s what my kids think: ‘why are you going to Disney? You’re 39!!!’.
Baino: You’re probably right, although I’m not sure he can even do beans. I’m pretty sure he can reheat a pizza though so they won’t starve. I hope
Wee One: I certainly will. And lots of photos of food using my macro, naturally!!
Laura: Nice one – still in time for a get together and a chinwag x
Aidy: I know – how lucky am I? All from writing this drivel too
I thought of you when I saw this ad:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MvFSgXpyhoM
I particularly like the trimmed pussy at the end!
Tipping? We always do, because 1) it’s expected, and 2) people in those type of jobs in the US get pitiful pay often enough. If you’re broke, tip in restaurants and the hotel only. It’s worth tipping the guy who brings your cases up, then you honestly seem to get better service.
But I’m sure it’s true that you only have to speak in our (apparently) delightful British accents and they’ll forgive you! LOL!
Looking forward to reading all about it !
PS I’m not at all jealous!
P.S. – Sweeper is back to her zoomy self now. Megabucks dropped at vet’s do wonders! :>)
DD: Welcome. Well I thought it would be polite to take on the worrying for everyone! Oh and sorry for ‘planting the seeds’ as it were. Can’t wait to meet you too! xx
Jay: God, how complicated! Let’s hope they forgive my incredibly bad maths. Is it also true that you get better value if you get your cash out of a cash machine on your visa once you get there?
TM: Ah you’re too kind. I keep telling everyone: if only I had a bigger suitcase, I’d take you all with me
Susan: Oh good, I’m delighted to hear that, and thanks, I’ll try to enjoy myself – it’s a tough job and all that…!
My wondrously amazingly fabulously Disreputable Dad has just sent a courier clutching $100! I am no longer poor! I love my family. Thanks Dad! xxxxxx
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and you will be wearing knickers.. thats a turn up for the books !
and as far as your thighs etc .. wouldn’t worry too much, there will be a 50% obese rate with the americans you will be meeting, just let your English charm break free….
AND COME AND VISIT ME !!!
And no. I can’t afford it. As much as I’d love to.
AND ‘ladygardens’ aren’t strictly classed as ‘bits and bobs’ and are therefore free blogging conversation fodder. So there. xx
I haven’t had a punch in the face yet, so you’ll be ok …..
just be nice, say please and thank you ..
Spudness: I’ll try, honest. God alone knows what I’ll return to though
Tara: Yes so do I. I’d love to take them too. We’ll have to plan a return journey one day. AND pop in to see you, and shut Moon up too. xx
Okay I’ll let it lie.
Americky eh? That’s fabulous. You are going to LURVE it!!!!
Jenn: Keep up, girl, for heaven’s sake. Ooh really? Goodo – getting excited now x