English Dad’s Ten Car Commandments

English Dad loves his car.  It’s his pride and joy.  Oh, I know what you’re thinking… yes, the odd wash and buff up on a Sunday… top notch insurance, that sort of thing..

You have no idea.  The hubster works away from home.  While he’s away, he rings to ask after his car. Not his family – his car.   Should there be even the smallest mention of bird poop, there is huffing, puffing and detailed cleaning instructions.  The handbrake is left off (with a rock behind the front wheel – you can never be too careful) and the car has to be driven (nowhere dangerous or gravelly) every so often to make sure the battery doesn’t go flat.  Oh and it needs to be parked far enough to the right to make sure that the postman isn’t at risk of knocking it with his bag as he approaches.  In fact, I could go so far as to list at least ten… the hubby’s commandments, if you will:

  1. Thou shalt not park in Tesco car park. In fact, thou shalt never park next to anyone. Ever.
  2. Thou shalt never drive through newly laid tarmac (or those 20mph areas where they’ve just laid gravel).  If this means stopping dead and turning round right there and then?  So be it.
  3. Thou shalt take two spots in the furthest space in a multi-storey (this can often mean driving up ten floors to the roof level)
  4. Thou shalt wash off bird poop within seconds of it landing, thus preventing any potential staining
  5. Thou shalt never drive in the rain.  Especially if there is the potential for mud.  There shall be no mud. Ever.
  6. Thou shalt have seventy five bottles of different stuff for washing/waxing/cleaning the hood/buffing the alloys, etc, etc.  (There are even different coloured waxes to EXACTLY MATCH the colour of various parts of the car.  I kid you not.)
  7. Thy chamois leather shall never dry out (and be constantly stored in your vehicle in case of emergency chamois requirement).
  8. Thou shalt NEVER drive down a one lane track where there is a possibility that you might have to pull over into nasty scratchy hedges.
  9. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s car – even if it’s that new Vauxhall Insignia VXR that they’ve just bought…  NOTHING is quite as good as the husband’s car.
  10. No dog/child with a ball/furry creature/sharp implement/garden tool/set of golf clubs shall ever be allowed near, or transported in the vehicle.

Okay so now you’re up to date.  Once the above is memorised and absorbed, you might be allowed to go in the back seat.  Might.  But those rivets on your jeans?  They could scratch the leather….

Which is where, incidentally, my car comes in.  For my car is, I’m afraid, not very clean (cars are OUTSIDE things!), a bit grubby inside… is used for Tesco runs (yup *gasp* I park in Tesco), is driven in the rain, and often contains all manner of children/sharp implements/dirty things, even the odd dog.

Trust me.  You’re better off in mine.


7 replies
  1. AndyD
    AndyD says:

    I used to be exactly the same. Ask Laura. That, of course, is when I had a nice car that I didn’t have to share with her!

    Grrrr. ;)


  2. Mrs Worthington
    Mrs Worthington says:

    I have lived that life. My father was like that and I still recall the day I breathed hot breath on the window and drew a smiley face * shudders. What car is it that has him behaving like a loony?

  3. Rachelradiostar
    Rachelradiostar says:

    Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaa I think I am married to your husband. I’m glad I’m not the only one who has to walk the 5 miles from the furthest corner in the Asda carpark with my trolley. We have enough Autogylm to set up in business. Birdpoo is a national disaster at our house. Woe betide anyone who parks outside our house when he is out in it. I know he loves his car better than his offspring or me. I want to strangle him when he does his drama queen wincing when the kids slam the doors. Then they get sworn at for slamming the doors. If he’s in a temper and slams the door himself I giggle at the irony.

    The hours he’s put in washing it is unreal. We have pre rinse, pre wash, foam up, foam swill, shampoo, rinse and repeat, rinse, rinse again, with the power washer, apply pre polish stuff, polish, apply buffing stuff, buff. Spend three hours on each tyre and wheel buffing WITH A SPECIAL CLOTH TOO and polishing with specially targeted tyre buffing and polishing stuff then stand back and admire. NB rest of family must comment on how shiny and sparkly it is.

  4. notsupermum
    notsupermum says:

    English Dad would get on very well with my brother, he is also slightly obsessed with his car and doesn’t take it out in the rain (what’s all that about?). In fact my brother has gone to the expense of moving a wall in the house to make a utility room so that the washing machine can be moved out of the garage. *sigh*

  5. Alex Douglas
    Alex Douglas says:

    I’m with you on this. Cars are functional outdoor tools that should be used. That’s my excuse for leaving empty Haribo bags & other rubbish all over ours anyway.


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