So we’re back.  After an hour delay (and an upgrade!) we finally touched back down at Gatwick at 10am this morning.  My legs are a bit wobbly (and enormous – stuffing my feet back into my Birkenstocks after we landed was akin to wedging a large sausage into a thimble) and I’m pretty sure I fell asleep against the shoulder of a man I was sitting next to at Clapham Junction, but apart from that it’s all good.

We had such a wonderful time in Florida – I can’t wait to tell you all about discovering amazing new places (St Pete’s and Sarasota spring to mind – the BEACHES!) and visiting old friends (down on the Boardwalk at Disney and new attractions at Seaworld) and fabulous food (firecracker shrimp *drooool*).

Our group bonded amazingly well and apart from the odd car accident or two (minor) and small screeching session when it was discovered that a teenager back home had slept through his A level (mine – ‘WHERE ARE YOU?!’), the whole thing went incredibly smoothly.  The boys were delighted with their chocolate frogs from the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, their freeze dried astronaut ice cream from the Kennedy Space Centre and their watermelon chewing gum (from the service station) and nobody’s burnt, destroyed, broken or maimed anything or anyone in my absence, which is always a bonus.

Back soon with excitement, things to make you go ‘ooh’ and about 15,000 pictures of flamingos (you know how I love those salmon pink beauties).  You’ve been warned.

So I’m off on my travels again on Friday.  This time I’m heading off with Visit Florida to find out all about what Florida has to offer for families (I know, right, the things I do for you?  You’re welcome).

Anyhoo, to keep you occupied while I’m away, Argos have very kindly offered me a fabulous car seat to give away.

I ummed and I ahhhed but I couldn’t think of a good question for you to answer, so I opened it up to Twitter and as usual, my lovey followers came to my rescue.  So here goes (thanks to Emily at Never Bored of Bubbles for this question): all you need to do to be in for a chance of winning is leave a comment and tell me:

What’s the most disgusting thing you’ve ever found in your car?

And then just in case you’ve never found anything disgusting in your car, but really need to win a car seat, I’ll allow anything remotely car-related.  Person that makes me laugh the most wins the seat.

And here’s the small print:

This competition is open to UK residents only and will close at midnight on 24th May.  The winner will be chosen by me and no cash alternative is available.

This prize has been supplied by Argos. Visit them today for a great range of car seats and  nursery furniture.

So I can’t quite believe it, but this is my last post on my wonderful trip to Tenerife.  I’ve saved the best until last for you, though, our wonderful opportunity to celebrate with the locals at the fabulous Baile de Magos in Santa Cruz.

Santa Cruz is Tenerife’s capital and wowzers do they take their festivals seriously.  During the May festivities the streets are decorated with flowered crosses and in the evening, everyone dresses up in traditional costume and takes to the streets to celebrate.

We joined in the fun, dressing up as ‘Magos’ (here we are looking slightly embarrassed):

… and here are the boys, dressed as ‘farmers’:

Heading out onto the streets, we were somewhat overwhelmed with the sheer numbers of people out celebrating.  Families set up tables heaving with food and everyone presses glasses of wine and plates of food upon you as you wander the streets.  The atmosphere is incredible – there is laughter, singing and shouting and there are impromptu bands and dances everywhere you look.  There are literally THOUSANDS of people:

By 2am we’d lost each other in the crowd and I wandered around enjoying the fun (and sampling all sorts of delicious goodies and wine!)…

…feeling completely secure (and somewhat tiddly), chatting to friendly strangers (who were more than a little amused that a random English woman had joined them, dressed in full costume) even, I seem to recall, joining a family barbecue at one stage… until I finally managed to fight my way through the throng to a policeman who pointed me in the direction of a taxi rank.  What an amazing evening.

The next day was May 3rd, the Day of the Cross and time for the traditional rivalry between the ‘farmers’ vs the ‘rich families’ in a firework battle that dates back to 1770.

The evening starts with the Procession of the Cross where locals carry the cross from the local church through the local streets.  It’s an incredibly moving sight – the sheer noise of all the drummers and the brass band, plus the amount of people thronging the street.  I loved every minute:

Again, we were welcomed by the locals and we ended up standing with a family, drinking their rather delicious wine on their rooftop as the ‘battle’ commenced.  I assure you I’ve never seen anything like it: 45 minutes of possibly the most incredible fireworks I’ve ever seen.  My ears rang for hours afterwards!

Finally, it was time to go home to the beautiful Hotel Botanico (one of the best hotels I’ve ever stayed in) for a last drink with the group before we headed to our stunning (but hardly used!) bedrooms.  Here’s mine:

The next day, I had a flying visit to the oriental-themed spa for a quick swim in the pool and to watch the beautiful koi carp in the little waterways that surround it (again, utterly gorgeous)…

…before catching my taxi back to the south airport.  What an incredible experience.  Massive thanks to Visit Tenerife for arranging our trip.  I’ll be back to see you very soon

I travelled to Tenerife with Monarch. Here’s some more information about travelling with Monarch to Tenerife:

Monarch, the scheduled leisure airline, operates year round flights to Tenerife from Birmingham, London Gatwick, London Luton and Manchester airports with fares, including taxes, starting from £58.99 one way (£99.99 return).

In addition to year-round low fares, Monarch also offers a bespoke “build your own class of travel” range of products and services both on the ground and inflight.  All customers are allocated a seat at check-in; however seats can be pre-allocated on scheduled Monarch flights for £5.99 per one-way flight to ensure that families and groups are seated together.  For customers looking for added comfort, extra legroom seats are also available offering up to six inches of extra space from only £24.99.

Customers travelling on scheduled flights can also avoid booking charges by paying for their flights using a debit card or a PayPal payment option (which can be funded by a credit card for free). There is a small 4% fee for credit cards transactions, with a minimum value of £5.  This fee, which covers the airline’s cost of processing the credit card payment, is applied per transaction and not per person.

They can also take advantage of online check-in, which is available between 18 days and four and a half hours prior to departure. With a great range of tasty hot and cold meals that can be pre-booked or purchased onboard, flying with Monarch really couldn’t be simpler.

In addition to flights, Monarch also now offers a huge range of great value holidays, accommodation options, car hire and travel insurance.

For further information or to book Monarch flights, Monarch Holidays or Monarch Hotels, please visit www.monarch.co.uk

The afternoon we arrived at Bodegas Monje was utterly stunning. The sky was a shimmering turquoise and the rows of vines glowed emerald green, rolling down towards the sea. What a gorgeous place.

First up was a tour of the winery (meaning that we had to head into the gloom of the cellar… boooo.)  Still, I learned absolutely loads about wine making (the winery produce a stunning range of wines, mostly exported to the USA).

Next, it was upstairs to the rather beautiful cookery school, to get a crash course in Canarian cooking and test some of those stunning wines as well:

First on our menu was that Canarian staple (and my Disreputable Dad’s absolute favourite): papas arugadas (meaning literally ‘wrinkled potatoes’).  We had a bit of a laugh when we discovered that the type of spud used is ‘Quinegua’ – pronounce it in a Spanish accent and you’ll see exactly how it got its name: King Edward!

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We watched as the small potatoes were barely covered with boiling water and an eye watering amount of sea salt was added (at least two handfuls, but don’t worry, the potatoes will only absorb as much as they need – we tested this theory).  The potatoes were then covered and boiled for about 20 minutes, depending on size.  When tender, they were then drained and returned to the heat where they were tossed and shaken until all the remaining water was gone and they took on their traditional wrinkly, dusty appearance.  Delicious.

Next we moved on to the sauces.  Traditionally, red mojo sauce is served with meat and green with fish.   We were on the green team (the green can be coriander, but is just as often parsley or a mixture of the two) and set to work.  Mojo is traditionally made entirely by hand in a pestle and mortar and takes LOADS of elbow grease.  I bet there aren’t many bingo wings to be seen on the island, what with all that pounding!

For Green Mojo

6 cloves garlic

1 tsp sea salt

1 green pepper, deseeded and finely diced

One small (and very hot) green chilli

1/2 bunch fresh coriander (or parsley)

2 tsp cider vinegar

2 wine glasses of olive oil

First, crush the garlic with the salt, then slowly add in the green pepper, pounding until it’s all completely pulped.  Now add a tiny piece of the green chilli (to taste, but if they’re as hot as the ones on Tenerife, a teeny tiny square is all you need), then add in the coriander and keep pounding. When everything is completely pulped, add in the vinegar ad the oil.

We added a handful of crushed almonds and sultanas, which adds a little sweetness and thickens the sauce, but this is optional, as is an avocadeo, which adds a lovely creaminess.

For Red Mojo

3 cloves garlic

1 tsp salt

1 red pepper, deseeded and finely chopped

1 red chilli (again, as much as you like, but a small piece if they’re the very hot fiery ones)

1 slice toasted bread

2 tsp red wine vinegar

2 wine glasses olive oil

1 tsp sweet paprika

Again with the red, the garlic is pounded with the salt before the other ingredients are added one by one, making sure they’re completely broken down before the next ingredient is added.  The toasted bread works as the thickener in the red mojo.  Both were absolutely delicious.  We ate the red mojo with some pulled pork and those gorgeous potatoes.

We also had a demonstration of how the locals eat Gofio, the baked corn flour from the mill we visited in La Orotava.  The Gofio is mixed with ground raisins and almonds, milk, a splash of water and local honey.  It’s worked into a firm dough and that’s it.  It’s eaten sliced with goats’ cheese, and maybe even some mojo sauce.  We were divided on the gofio but I thought it was really lovely.

I adored the food on Tenerife: the seafood was delicious and very fresh (the ‘wreckfish’ was delicious, but I’m struggling to find out whether this is just local to Tenerife, or if it’s called by another name elsewhere), and obviously we ate an enormous amount of flan (I suppose we would say creme caramel), delicious custardy slabs, sometimes served with the dark caramel sauce, or sometimes with other little drizzly sauces, but often just plain.

Muy delicioso!

If you’d like to see more foodie photos from my trip, check out my Facebook page.

And so it came to pass that I dropped a contact lens in the bathroom.  Ick.  Said contact lens was instantly too fluffy to use (pink fluff – it’s our towels) and had to be thrown away.  Ew, I thought.  I’d better wash the floor.

And so it also came to pass that I learned one of life’s truer lessons: if the water in the mop bucket smells vaguely of ponds, it’s too long since you last washed the bathroom floor.

And this led me to thinking: if this is the state of MY bathroom, then… *cue ‘Twilight Zone’ music* … what on EARTH was the boys’ bathroom like?

Now don’t get me wrong, The Prof is quite handy with a sponge and a bottle of Cif.  He’s a tidy chap (possibly the tidiest in our house) and generally I avoid their bathroom unless I’m changing towels or replenishing toiletries (one of those self-preservation things you learn early on with parenting teenage boys) or the toothpaste build-up on the sink needs to be chipped off.  Generally, I rush in occasionally, hurl a bit of bleach around, then run for my life.

This time, though, I crawled in.  Literally.

Oh.  Dear God.

Now I apologise if you’re eating or whatever, but here, dearest reader, is a life lesson for mothers everywhere: never, NEVER check your childrens’ bathrooms on all fours.

Armed, then, with fresh bucket of water (the pond water went on the tomatoes), bleach, mop, spray, sponges and cloths (my Twitter followers suggested scuba mask and snorkel, but they’re in the loft) and a seriously large helping of housewifely guilt, I scrubbed that sucker until it shone.  Nobody tells you about the sheer amount of ick that teenage boys produce.  And hair. God how I HATE hair.  It makes me want to barf if one of my own sticks to my face, so swimming around in the discarded hair of my offspring was something I never want to repeat.  I may never eat again (ha, don’t be silly).

Seriously: there should be some sort of users’ manual for these things.  I need a chocolate brownie.  Stat.

Leaving Siam Park behind, we headed back to our ‘blogger bus’ and soon we were winding up and up on our way through Teide National Park, through weird lunar landscapes, enveloped in mist and clenching our buttocks slightly when passing cars on the narrow roads with a sheer drop on one side. Soon, we emerged into the sunshine, looking down on the blanket of cloud below

Pronounced ‘teh-ee-deh’, not ‘tidey’ as I thought, the still-active volcano is the third highest  in the world (12, 198ft to be precise) and the highest point in Spain.

We soon arrived at the Parador, part of a chain of Spanish hotels consisting of refurbished historic buildings: fortresses, convents, palaces and castles, all lovingly restored and available to stay in.

The Parador atop Teide (the only hotel within the National Park) is a odd-looking mishmash of original 60s ‘ski chalet’ looking building, with some more modern looking bits added on.  The rooms are basic, but comfortable (mine smelt a bit like my Grandma’s house used to smell: a mixture of boiled cabbage and moth balls).  From my room I could see right up to the summit of Teide, but, and I have to be honest here, that really was its only redeeming feature.  Everything needs refurbishing, the staff are surly and unhelpful and the food’s not much either.  My advice?  Come early, do the cablecar up the volcano, enjoy the experience and then leave.  You really don’t need to stay.  Even our stargazing experience was somewhat dampened by taking place in the hotel carpark (a slightly unromantic setting), but our astronomy expert was gratifyingly bonkers and we got to see Saturn’s rings through his enormous cannon-like telescope, so it wasn’t a total washout.

The next morning, we were up and out early to catch the cable car up to the summit (well, within 500ft of the summit – you need a permit to actually walk right up to the top).  The view is incredible, but be warned, it’s hard work walking at altitude, the paths are rocky and a bit wobbly, and it’s darned cold up there.  If you’re going to go, even if it’s warm at the bottom, you’ll need sturdy boots and a decent coat.

Do go, though, because the view is spectacular. You can see right across to Gran Canaria and also to La Gomera and the landscape is astounding:

Heading back down afterwards, we stopped to see where Clash of the Titans and Wrath of the Titans were both filmed.  The peaks of black frozen lava topped with glistening obsidian give the whole place an almost otherworldly beauty.  It’s a wonderful place to take children – they’ll never have seen anything like it and the myths and legends (as told by our fabulous guide, José Ramón) attached to Teide are magical beyond believe.

In fact, the actual stories of Tenerife’s past are pretty fabulous too, from its original inhabitants, the Guanches, to its subsequent occupation by the Romans and finally through to the Spanish conquest and the failed British invasion (it’s where Nelson lost his arm) – the history of the island is fabulous, and a good guide will keep you (and the kids) enthralled.

Next up, it’s the May festivities (in which we dress up in local costume) and food, glorious food!

Hola chicas!

Okay, so now I’ve demonstrated the only two Spanish words I know (oh wait – and gracias too), I thought I’d give you a little insight into the gorgeous island that is Tenerife.

I flew with Monarch into the south airport (nearly four and a half hours with a strong headwind from Gatwick), the first time I’ve visited since 1977.  Tenerife is known as the ‘Island of Eternal Spring’, with temperatures in the 20s all year round and is the largest of the Canary Islands, situated off the north west coast of Africa (a little bit further down than Morocco).  Tenerife covers about 2034 square km and has about 358km coastline with more than 4.7 million tourists (and rising) visiting every year.  Crops grown on the island include bananas, potatoes and, with more acres devoted to their production than any other: grapes.

Okay, geography lesson over, we headed to the northern part of the island which is greener and a little less built up than the south, with some beautiful old towns, wonderful architecture and some pretty awesome food – all of which I sampled on your behalf.  I know, right? You’re welcome.

We stopped off at the gorgeous little town of La Orotava.  Once upon a time Puerto de la Cruz was the port for this pretty (and very hilly) town, but is now a resort in its own right, with a lovely harbour and some very high end shops too.  We spent a sunny afternoon ambling around La Orotava. We visited the little mill where they make Gofio, a flour milled from roasted corn (and delicious it is too, but see my post on the food a bit later):

… and bimbled around the delightful public gardens (the tomb you can see is a masonic one – built years ago for the son of a local family who were, so legend has it, banned from burying their child in the local Catholic churchyard, so they did it bigger and better and built a huge tomb which looked over all the Catholic churches in the area. Owned. Intriguingly, the body was buried elsewhere and nobody knows what’s in the tomb):

Also worth a visit is the lush botanic garden behind the town hall, a former convent, but honestly, the whole town is beautiful and the flowers are just amazing:

The Casa de los Balcones (house of the balconies) is a beautiful example of the island’s unique architecture, with canaries tweeting in ornate cages, and lots of traditional crafts, wines and foods on offer in the little shops inside:

So that’s La Orotava.  Next up, it’s the really exciting Siam Park, Loro Parque and the journey up to Mt Teide.

I have SO much to tell you that I just don’t know where to start.  Undaunted by his first ever ‘alone in the house’ time, the Mad Professor actually managed to keep the place tidier than I ever do (and not burn it down OR kill any of my baby plants) so I’m feeling rather a lot of parental pride.  The Dude spent the week with his Grandma and threw up the whole time, still Grandma handled it like a pro (she’s used to vomit – she’s got three kids and seven grandchildren after all).

So until I can download photos, whilst simultaneously loading the washing machine, unpacking my suitcase, paying bills and opening mail, I shall leave you with a few photos of the highlights of my trip.

More soon.. promise.

Firstly, here’s my cabin at the Yotel in Gatwick, where they very kindly put me up before my trip (thanks guys!).  I had a wonderful sleep in my space age pod, complete with bed (with VERY nice bedlinen) that moves back to give you more room, desk, flat screen TV, WiFi and amazing wet-room shower and loo.  I slept like a baby and the pillows were lush.  This is my second stay and I love it just as much.  Brilliant way to catch an early flight – just drive there the night before and stay at the Yotel.  Sorted!  For more info, check out Yotel.com.

And here’s just a glimpse of what turned out to be one of the most amazing, unforgettable (and deafening) nights of my life: the ‘firework wars’ in the town of Los Realejos.  More of this later.  As you can see we were on someone’s roof watching the display.  Mind boggling.

And finally a glimpse of the gardens at the Hotel Botanico, possibly one of the most beautiful hotels I’ve ever stayed in. Pure luxury (and again, more of this later):

Until then, I’m off for some hard labour. Serves me right, really…

I am pretty blessed.  I have a great bunch of friends.  I’m rather proud that my friends are all clever, funny, incredible supportive and all very successful.  Take Erica, for example.  I first met Erica on my first ever blogging trip – we’re both members of the ‘Disney 7′.  We all bonded over mojitos and have stayed firm friends.  At the time it was such a big deal that a company were sending bloggers away on a trip that it was even mentioned in The Times.

Now, blogging is a much more popular pastime, but starting a blog can be hard. Occasionally I get emails from people asking how to get started.  The conversation normally goes something like this:

Me: ‘Okay, well, y’know WordPress, right?’

Wannabe blogger: ‘No’

Me: ‘Erm oh. Well, you kind of need to… erm…  Well, there’s a dashboard, see, and you can upload posts and then, erm…’

And there you have it: ‘how to blog’ by English Mum. It’d be a pretty crap book.

Luckily, then, the aforementioned lovely Erica has come to our rescue.  Now a hugely successful ‘Mumpreneur’ who runs courses helping other mums start their own businesses and is the joint owner of ACE Inspire which provides remote courses and produces eBooks on business blogging, social media and online marketing, she still writes Littlemummy.com (when she has time!).  Erica has come to our rescue and written a fabulous book: Blogging – The Essential Guide with her business partner, Antonia Chitty.

I think it says a great deal that even though I’ve been writing this blog for six years, I still learned loads of new things.  For a complete beginner, this book is a blogging bible, with chapters on creating your blog, ideas for blog posts, loads of hints about community, sensible words about plagiarism and disclosure, etc.  But more than this, there are some really clever sections on things like podcasting and eBooks.

So if you’ve ever thought about starting your own blog (I’m a pretty good advert for blogging, I reckon – it’s taken me around the world and given me a million and one brilliant opportunities), you should definitely buy this book.  And if you’re already blogging, it’s invaluable for fresh ideas, as a great reference tool and for some really good, down to earth advice.

Blogging – The Essential Guide by Antonia Chitty & Erica Douglas is out now.

As birthdays go, I think the Mad Professor has probably had better ones (at least the start, anyway).  We all overslept and there was loads of shouting, jostling for bathroom space, yelling at the cat and stuffing down of toast (I did manage to write ’17′ in jam on his, at least…), with no time for pressie opening or even a quick round of the happy birthday song (we  like the Disney version, complete with clapping.  Only if nobody else can hear).  We rushed out of the door to school still wrestling blazers, tucking in shirts and eating toast.

One the upside, he only had one class today and I was supposed to pick him up at 11am, but then my lovely ex-sister in law, who I don’t get to see very much any more, popped round with a card, and we got chatting and…

I forgot him.

On his birthday.

In torrential rain.

When I finally got to the school, the birthday boy looked like a drowned rat and appeared to have lost his happy birthday sparkle.  He was darned miserable.  He sat next to me and heaved an unhappy sigh, wiping the mist off his glasses as the rain water dripped off his nose.

Still, to cheer him up, I reminded him that it was Birthday Cake Privilege time.  As you’ll know, at English Towers, the birthday person gets to choose their own birthday cake. And I have to make it, no matter what they choose (I draw the line at novelty cakes though – they can only choose flavours.  I’m not making bloody rabbits and scenes from Star Wars).

The Prof chose a four tier jammy creamy vanilla flavoured cake.  Raspberry jam, PROPER cream, and lots of it.  Then he took his soggy self upstairs to change and console himself with a couple of games of shooting people until their heads explode. As you do.

Anyhoo, I set to work making a basic vanilla sponge.  It’s easy peasy. Heavy on the vanilla as you really want the flavour to shine through:

The Mad Professor’s Four Tier Jammy Creamy Vanilla Birthday Cake

175g butter (room temp is best)

175g golden caster sugar

3 large free range eggs

2 tsp good quality vanilla extract or vanilla bean paste

175 self raising flour

For the filling/topping:

Large tub of double cream (not whipping cream)

Jar of nice raspberry jam

• So in the mixer, whizz up the butter until nice and soft, then add in the caster sugar and whisk until really soft, pale and fluffy.
• Break the eggs into a bowl, give them a quick mix with a fork, then dribble them into the mixture. Have your flour weighed out so if it starts to curdle, you can add a spoonful to bring it back together.
• Add in the vanilla and then gently stir in the flour.
• Blob half of the mixture into each buttered, lined medium cake tin (you can weigh them to get them exact if you can be arsed)
• Bake at 180/gas 4 for about 20 minutes. You want them just golden so they spring up in the middle when gently pressed.
• Tip them out onto a cooling rack and allow to cool completely.  Once cooled, carefully cut each cake in half to create two layers.

Whip the double cream (I say double rather than whipping cream because it has a bit more body – useful when you’re layering – whipping cream tends to flump out of the sides and the whole thing can collapse if you’re not careful), then start to assemble:

Place your first layer on your serving plate or stand, spread generously with raspberry jam, then dollop on a couple of spoonfuls of cream.  Don’t push down as you add the next layer or you’ll get unwanted splurging (and nobody wants that).  Continue to add each layer, adding jam and cream until you add the top layer and dollop on the remaining cream.  I decorated with little white chocolate thingies, but was told that this was ‘too girly’ and to remove them immediately.

And finally…

The smile was back.

Happy birthday Sam xxx