Rules for a perfect family Christmas
I know, I know, it’s not even December, but it’s a Christmas Countdown, so stop moaning (you know who you are). The lovely chaps at John Lewis set me a little Christmas challenge to give my rules for the definitive English Towers family Christmas. They go a little like this:
Children
#2 must awake at the crack of dawn. There will then follow an intense period of annoyance when every other sleeping member of the household must be awakened (generally in an aggressive, jumping-on-the-bed fashion) and invited to ‘wake up, it’s Christmas!’, even though it is barely 6am. There is invariably a lot of creative, un-Disneylike swearing at this point.
Every year, at least one present will be opened by the wrong child. This will cause all sorts of trouble. This will have nothing at all to do with how inebriated the gift giver was when wrapping and labelling the present at 11.55pm on Christmas Eve *cough*. #1 got Rachel Allen’s ‘Bake’ last year. He was not amused.
Christmas Dinner
The dinner must be at least 1 hour late (it’s amazing how long a turkey can ‘rest’ when the cook has been on the cooking sherry, got distracted and wandered off to have a chat with someone).
One part of the dinner (generally something that I have slaved over) will be left in the fridge or oven and be completely forgotten.
Everyone must talk at once (I remember my two lovely sister-in-laws once comparing notes about our family dinners, saying that they could never keep up with the 17 conversations that were all taking place across the table at the same time).
There MUST be champagne.
Family
There must be at least one drunken misdemeanor on Christmas day. This will usually involve Mad Uncle Ali (remember the swan dive off the sofa last Christmas? I rest my case).
There must be a call to The Disreputable One which will entail each child in turn listing each and every present in great detail, and must bore the pants off the poor man, but he bears it with dignity.
Entertainment
There must always be a disagreement about what is The Perfect Christmas Movie. I will vote for How The Grinch Stole Christmas or White Christmas and be outvoted (and told that ‘it’s GAY’), and Hubby will vote for Back to the Future, even though it patently has absolutely nothing to do with Christmas whatsoever. We’ll probably all settle on Elf, which is obviously the best Christmas movie in the history of absolutely everything.
English Grandma, who is well known for not saying no to anything, will end up being caned at Texas Hold’em or playing Call of Duty on Xbox, even though she won’t know what the hell she’s doing.
Decorations
The children will always insist that every tree ornament that we’ve ever purchased must go onto the tree. My attempts at subtle two-colour decor will be treated with contempt and that bloody plastic star thing covered in glitter will go on the top of the tree again.
The outside of the house will be lit up like Blackpool Illuminations. This is Hubby’s department. He will moan and groan about it, but at some point he’ll be out in a force 10 gale, swaying about on the top of a ladder, swearing at gutter clips whilst stringing 500 lights across the front of the house. It’s just his thing.
Oh, and the big move commences today, so feel free to chat amongst yourselves until I unpack the computer at the other end. Over to you, then. Christmas rules?
We’ll experience many of the same issues, especially on the tree decorating front. I let the kids go to town with our tree, then I subtly rearrange everything once they’ve gone to bed. I don’t have a 2-colour preference, but in fact a THREE colour one. (Light pink, light purple and silver.) And here’s my tip: have 2 trees. We have a small one, that the kids can do whatever they want to, and use whatever colours they like.
It just can’t be seen by the general public.
Much excitement later we head off to mass, after which we visit some people we like for a tipple and banter. Then it is off to the ma in laws, leaving it as late as is humanly possible to avoid the insanity of 8 adults and 5 kids all starving because they’ve been saving space for the grub.
Starters come along to stave off fainting, but the main event is still a couple of hours away. There is crap on TV and I decide I ‘need a walk’ more accurately described as I get antsy when there are too many people near me (not a concert goer me)
Food arrives. Food is eaten. I look for seconds, find there are none, think that in previous years the grub was more plentiful and how I shall stock up next year so I can gorge myself when I get home (spiceburgers for preference), but always forget. I get the job of making coffee because the 1960’s coffee peculator is beyond the technological capabilities of all other adults.
Excuses are made and we escape relatively unscathed with our loot. I’m driving so I focus on the opportunity to get thoroughly hammered in the comfort of my own home, which of course doesn’t happen as I fall asleep before I get the chance, on account of having been woken up much too sodding early.
Christmas Dinner – Been there, done that, gave it all up. Now we have a big cold buffet on Christmas Eve – baked ham, salad, chilled shrimp, smoked salmon – and we snack on it for the next several days. No more forgotten items in the fridge! I’m waiting for my delivery from the British Foods Store as we speak – mince pies, fruit cake, Flakes, kippers, Cadbury’s Selection Box. What do kippers have to do with Christmas, you ask? It’s sort of a gag gift for hubby – he always gets a tin in his stocking.
Family – No family left to make mischief but I could tell you some tales that would make your hair stand on end! No wait, I’ll post pictures one day!
Entertainment – We always seem to have a stack of DVDs every year under the tree, with gift tags that say “From Hercule”, or “From Siegfried and James” – dead giveaways. Although we have a stack of holiday movies, we usually resort to watching the new ones on Christmas Day so this year we’ll either be in Cranford, or in the morgue at NCIS.
Decorations – We’ve had to move on from just decorating one tree as 30 years, 31 years now worth of ornaments is more than any poor tree can bear. We’ve got a couple of smaller ones and then a bunch of these velvet ornament-hanger things that are up on the wall in various locations holding the overflow. It won’t ever change either as one of the best parts of my Christmas are the memories that each ornament conjures up. Outside? A little more subdued than Blackpool much to my husband’s chagrin.
Don’t you love Christmas?
Re: Christmas movies, I like A Christmas Story, and the Scrooge films, fave here seems to be A Wonderful Life which is not about Christmas but for the last few minutes.
BTW, the whole talking while everyone else is talking thing must be genetic, since that is what my family does all the time. Just spare a thought for my poor sister in law whose first language is not English! Still, it does give her an excuse for just ignoring us all.
There are a couple of Christmas traditions that I will be missing again this year:
Dad, wearing his apron, a piece of holly in his mouth and a glass of wine in his hand.
The Annual Christmas Pea fight, instigated by Auntie Gert at the dinner table.
Grandma M. ruining Trivial Pursuit, again.
Ahhh, those were the days. I miss my 50p in my fruit salad.
And yes, Christmas will never be the same without ‘Grandma! It’s a BOYS’ question!!!!’
xx
We go to the kids house now and it’s still fun. My dad (86) hits on Santa’s helper girls, my SIL’s mother always says something totally duh, and the presents always get mixed up. Food is late, Santa is late, wine is flowing, kids are running around like banshees, what more could any granny want.
Actually, I love Thanksgiving better!
I think the more disfunctional the family, the better Christmas you have. Somehow it works with the chaos! x
Now the daughter has gone & cancelled the Thanksgiving gathering, dagnabit!
That’s the film you are looking for, I think you will find.
Now, how do I get me a Dyson?
I like to get pissed at Christmas and eat too much, same as every other day really but without the sex because family come round and it wouldn’t do to run upstairs for a quickie before the sprouts have shrivelled.
xx
I want a Dyson too – what’s going on there?
xx
And there’s no such thing as ‘too much brandy’!!! xx
I took part in this challenge on my blog too.
can’t believe you’re going. sigh.xxx
I know, we’re really sad about it – although it’s rained non-stop since we’ve been here, so it’s kind of still like Cavan. LOL! x