So once again, there’s a load of hassle about working mums versus stay at home mums. An article in The Times has set quite a few female pulses racing, and rightly so; commenting stupidly on the ’yawning chasm that opens up between the mothers who do, and the mothers who don’t’ is never likely to win friends and influence people.
But seriously, these things have been done to death, haven’t they? And really, the biggest issue here as far as I’m concerned isn’t whether some silly woman feels she needs to validate her existence by describing stay-at-home motherhood in terms of ‘the endless coffee mornings, the loneliness, the intellectual invisibility, the simmering resentment, the gin-soaked afternoons’, but her contempt for her fellow female – her total lack of sisterhood. As I commented before, I’m perpetually astonished and appalled by how women treat each other. Whether this is solely the realm of womankind, or whether men do it too but are just better at hiding it (let’s face it, they’re sneaky gits), I have no idea. I just notice it more with women.
Have you noticed how early it starts, too? Again, I’m not saying that boys aren’t horrible to each other, but they seem to be better at the face-to-face slagging. Let’s face it, is there anything more venemous than a group of girls? You know how it is – one of them has some perceived flaw or says/does the wrong thing and suddenly they’re on the outside of the circle looking in, forever destined to be the one that nearly was. I wouldn’t mind if it stopped there, but somehow young women are even developing a taste for violence. Did you see poor old Gemma Whatnot the Page 3 girl recently – beaten and assaulted in a nightclub, not by muggers or leering young men, but by a group of girls? What on earth is going on?
A while ago I commented on women who break up relationships. And my point here still stands…where do we get off nicking each other’s husbands? ‘Oh, it takes two to tango’, they bleat, ‘if he was happy he wouldn’t have looked elsewhere’ and other such rubbish, as they walk off hand in hand into the sunset, while once again some poor, rejected wife faces a new life alone with devastated children and even more devastated self esteem. Nothing knocks your confidence more than the person you love choosing someone else over you. How treacherous; how unsisterly; how downright wrong is that? I understand that sometimes you just can’t help who you fall in love with, but if he’s attached with children, walk away for God’s sake. You have ears and eyes – don’t you think if he’s done it to his wife, he’ll probably end up doing it to you? When I originally wrote about Husband (and Daddy) stealers I said that they should be pinned down while their cellulite is photographed at the most unflattering angle and then humiliated with big, blown-up photos of it being posted all around their home town. I stand by that comment, but now I think they should have them posted on the web too.
Any volunteers?
Once, on this blog, I said that every so often we should tell our mates how fab they are (even if, like me, you have to email most of them), what we love about them and the qualities that we most admire. I stand by that. Cherish your friendships, strive to make new ones, and never be guilty of excluding anyone from your social circle, no matter how complete you think it is. Strike up a new conversation at the school gate… smile at a lady with a new baby… compliment a total stranger on her fabulous shoes and celebrate the fact that we are, obviously, in this together.
You can read more about this here:
Love this post, very well said, all great point, made excellently.
And really, who would want a man that would cheat on his wife and children, I certainly wouldn’t, how could you even trust them to go for a pint of milk???
Tamsin: Why thank you… Hope I didn’t make too much of a blanket statement there – I know there are lots of individual circumstances, etc… x
EM:I think the woman who wrote that article is going to have a few regrets about it by the end of the week.
X
I don’t feel that I’m any better/worse a mother than anyone else because I work and they don’t. It is my choice to work but maybe it would be different if I didn’t have a great family all around me to help and look after Amy while I go to work.
I’m all for choice, and don’t think that anyone should be made to feel crap for being a working mam or a stay at home mam.
Sorry, I told you I could go on a bit!!!
Tamsin: I’m with you. I’ve been a full-time working mum, a part-time working mum and a stay at home mum, and they all have their ups and downs – I just don’t see this need to constantly attack each other. It’s bizarre. x
I’m going to get ready to pick my baby up from school, working part-time I only get to take and collect her 2 days a week so she’ll be getting a cupcake (that we baked yesterday) as a treat and a great big hug.
Think I might see if I can freak one of the other Mams out by complimenting her shoes
Suit yourselves people, feck the machine and it’s hunger for ever increasing GDP. And try to avoid option paralysis, it’s a killer.
The bitch – excuse me – ADVISOR – shot her down in as abrupt a fashion as her black little heart could muster. Didey rang me in sobs until I explained about that quirk of human nature that is ‘Tall Poppy Syndrome’.
We are all poppies in a field, bright and beautiful and cheery. Until one or two poppies have the audacity to grow too tall. We want to ‘cut them down to size’ because their height reflects poorly on ours. We women are GREAT at that.
I told my sister to grow thorns and grow tall enough to blot the sunshine from such people.
As a stay-at-home-family-carer, sure, I cast envious eyes at the working gal I used to be. However, life is a journey and we must be able to depend on our sister poppies to hold us if we droop and cheer us on if we choose to shoot for the sky. In that world, ALL poppies would grow tall!! ;P
Jen: Loving the poppy analogy. And how true – if we can’t depend on each other for a little support, then we truly are knackered xx
I’ll just say… I think you’re fab E.M – its a pleasure to know you!
I think girls are worse than men about this, maybe because men tend to throw punches rather than insults …. so, you could reverse the conversation, and ask.. “why do men punch and get into fights more than girls ” ?
I am terrified when a bunch of ladies get together … damn straight scared !
Anyway, as for husband/father stealers, lowest of the low, do they have no standards?
I was expecting loads of back biting bitching at Disney, who knew it was possible for seven women to get on so well
Moon: So you should be. We’d eat you for breakfast. Ahaha.
DD: Of course I didn’t mean you
And yes, there are special circumstances on both sides as we both well know x
TC: Thank you, that clears it up. And why are you TC again today?
LM: I know what you mean. I didn’t bother commenting on it, it had been done to death. I was a bit scared too before we went to Disney, but what do you know, turns out we’re all nice! xx
That said, there’s a crisp fifty up for grabs to the first laydee willing to take my chap off my hands.. please?
Oh go on, then, I’ll have him if you’re offering. He is rather lubly…
The fact that we’re still stuck in this debate (or rather, that the media insists that we are) is incredibly depressing. Presumably it’s because it makes good copy. The Times have been dragging a few of these sorts of stories recently – particularly in Style.
Jennynib is coming up with some creative ideas there
By the way, have I told you lately how incredibly fabulous you are?
You are fabulous today!
I look forward to peeking in and reading your comments every day – whether of the girl persuasion or not – YOU ROCK!! YAY!!!
Women can be the best of people and, sadly, the worst too – and you’re so right, we should cherish those good ones and never tire of telling them how fabulous they are.
Of course everyone here is fabulous! Otherwise I wouldn’t visit. I only surround myself with positive, intelligent, spectacular women! Cheers
ten years ago i had my life torn apart by a stupid little girl that thought it’d be fun to lead my then (stupid, weak, fully immature and willing to be lead) man up the garden path. she was on the edge of our lives as a friend and aquaintance…and then got into me bed grrrr. that’s what lead me here.
i’m also staggeringly shocked at how evil women can be in the small communities over here. have they no compassion…oh i could go on for days! sorry, i waffled again.
did i tell you i loved this post?!
xxx
But the bottom line here is that there is little difference between us. The really good ones you can trust implicitly, and they will always be there for you. The rest? Well, let them go, at some point or another we all have, and likely are the better for it.
Margarita: Ahaha, why thank you. And no, you’re not ranting at all… all valid points (especially the one about me being fabulous)
PM: Harro! Loved your article. And yes, I think the cellulite idea has merit. Maybe I should market my idea?!
Jen: Aw… you could be our resident cheerleader! We need to get you one of those little costumes… and some pompoms! Hee xx
Nats: I thought about you whilst writing this actually – you’ve definitely been on both ‘sides’ as it were. And you’re right – we’re all doing our best and that should bring us together, not divide us.
Baino: Wise words as usual. And obviously you’re one of my favourite positive, intelligent, spectacular working women! x
Rach: Ah. Thought so.
Mammy: So true. And again, that’s why I like the whole Twitter/Blogger crowd – lots of support and no judgement.
Towny: Hmm… suffered the same myself. And yes, I agree about small communities – I’ve never quite got used to everyone knowing everybody else’s business either. x
Cortes: Ah, nice to hear the male voice of reason. I’m glad you find groups of women as intimidating as I do. Scary buggers aren’t we.
Jenn: Too right. Happily, here at EnglishMum we’re all on the same side (which is probably why I spend more time here than anywhere else, the saddo that I am) :0)
Oh and thanks for saying such nice things. It wouldn’t be the same without my ‘gang’ here to chat to! xx
By the way, this is an excellent, excellent post. Well done.
I’m so lucky to have met a group of wonderful mums myself. Some of us work, some of us don’t. some of us breastfeed, some of us don’t. We are all trying to do our best for our families in our own way and that is what really counts.
Jen
I do hate how some women abandon notions of sisterhood and choose to bitch about each other. We are all women, complicated and benevolent for sure, but women and sisters the same.
A while back I remember finding a site where women could post about bad exes (for other women to read and make informed choices about possible relationships with these guys). Wish I could remember the site’s name… Anyway, it would give me satisfaction to find a site like this which exposes predatory women. Even though my saying that is unsisterly in itself…
In some ways I am still divided on the subject of predatory women and unfaithful men. On one hand, men’s instincts are far more animalistic than ours: they are much more likely to cheat in a relationship than women, while scarlet women know exactly what they are getting into when attempting to steal a married/otherwise attached.
On the other hand, aren’t our partners the ones actually doing the cheating? The “other women” are not related to us, or really a part of our lives.
The one thing which does satisfy me is the knowledge that while men are more likely to cheat, only a small percentage would actually leave their partners for the other woman
[...] of us who aren’t in the office 24/7 are living lives of gin-soaked misery. Potty Mummy and English Mum have written excellently on the whole issue, so I won’t rehash it all, except to say I think [...]