Another Saturday…
So we had a fab time at Moon’s nuptials. I love weddings. The first time I ever came to Ireland we stayed in The Tower Hotel in Waterford and there was a total corker of a wedding going on. I remember I got chatting to the bride and her bridesmaids who were all sitting up on the sinks in the ladies’ room comparing blisters (new shoes – ow) and sharing a bottle of champers. We all got on so well, we were all still in there two bottles later. Happy days.
Anyhoo, so I forgot to tell you what happened when I took a trip to the unfeasibly large shopping centre to see if I could get myself something to wear. Fashion’s a big pain in the arse really. I mean, let’s look at the evidence here: I started off with one of those one-shoulder dresses, but seriously – what are you supposed to do with your other bra strap? Cut it off? Then the shop assistant (about twelve, stick thin, yeah, you know the type), brought me in a prom dress (little corset top and full skirt), but it was a teeny bit snug and, as my dear ol’ Grandma would say ‘my dumplings were boiling over’ so me and my heaving cleavage decided we’d better have a bigger size. Reaching round to unzip myself, I discovered, to my utter horror, that I’d somehow managed to get the zip stuck and looked around the dressing room door to see if I could find the girly to get me a bigger size. Nope, she’d vanished. I was now starting to get very embarrassingly hot and sweaty, not to mention slightly breathless from being so constricted in the, er, chest department.
Desperate now, and worrying that I might pass out and not be found before closing time, me and the fellas lunged sweatily out of the changing room and grabbed a convenient passing man. The conversation went something like this:
Me: Excuse me, I’m so sorry, but could you help me?
Man (startled): Erm… How, exactly?
Me: I seem to be stuck in my dress.
Man (backing away): aren’t there assistants for that sort of thing?
Me: (starting to go blue): yes, but I can’t find her and I’m stuck…
Man (looking really worried now): I could find one…
Me: Look, I apologise for the inconvenience but I’m actually in imminent danger of passing out…
Man: OK, how about you go in the cubicle and I’ll stick my hands through the curtain and try and undo it.
Me (feeling faint): Yes, that sounds fine
Man: Err, what am I grabbing here?
Me: Oops, hang on, I haven’t turned round yet. There we go…
Man: OK. Fuck. You don’t have a pair of pliers do you?
Me (muffled from behind curtain): Damn, I appear to have completely forgotten my pliers this morning…
Man: Hang on, I think it’s coming now.
Me: Ah, that’s it. Goodness me, what on earth would someone think if they walked in and saw…
Security guard, jumping on unsuspecting knight in shining armour: ‘Right you little pervert, you’re coming with me sunshine…’
Me (clutching liberated chest and calling after man as he’s dragged away): Oh dear… erm…thank you!
So that’s it. I did try to explain the situation to the assistant, who had reappeared, Mr Benn-like, in the changing rooms. But I’m never going shopping ever again. And I wonder what ever happened to that poor man…
This post is the first in a series of 7 posts, all by different bloggers, but all linked in a mysterious fashion and published simultaneously: the brain child of the fiendishly clever Maxi Cane. Go on, follow the links, you know you want to…
Classic! So much more refined than ‘the Muffin effect’!!!
Hilarious story, missuz
I have goosepimples, a brilliant start to everything.
Mega job.
[...] I’m coming for you, English Mum. [...]
Absolutely lovely image
. I must start carrying pliers with me now from place to place 
Well done, great start!
[...] …spent trying to find my wife on one of her shopping expeditions when suddenly I hear a voice from the changing rooms: “Excuse me, I’m so sorry, but could you help me?” [...]
[...] Part 1 [...]
[...] Part 1 [...]
[...] Each of us were challenged to continue the previous person’s story in a new voice. English Mum kicked it off, so you can start the trail there. Thriftcriminal followed her and H of Shitetalker, [...]
Great atory!
Thrifty: Nah it doesn’t matter – it came together really well don’t you think?
Maxi: I’ve only just finished too – had kids to get to school etc. We’re a varied bunch but somehow it all works really well. Thanks for this opportunity, I’ve loved doing it.
Darragh: Thanks so much. Excellent fun wasn’t it!
Whoops: I can imagine it’s been a logistical nightmare, but Maxi’s been brilliant. I want to do it again now! x
Darren: There’s your story for next time, then! I can’t load yours so it’s the only one I haven’t read. Can you mail me a copy? x