In which I get a full service. [insert 'ooer' here]
So Tuesday saw me off to sunny (okay it was a bit drizzly, but use your imagination) Meath to the land of M the Greyhound Trainer and his beeyootiful bride, the lubly Lizzy. Proceedings had started off a bit embarrassingly when I sent her a text saying ‘in need of a full service?’ which sounded altogether rather forward and frankly, a bit rude. Of course I hadn’t meant the question mark and the statement was meant to refer to me (Liz, remember, has the fantastic beauty place in the log cabin).
Anyhoo, she was far too polite to comment on my indiscretion, and when we got there I got a chance to ply adorable little K (who was watching telly: dummy in, bum in the air) with Maltesers. So impressed was the little chap that I even got a kiss on the cheek (who took care to remove his dummy first – plucked out with a very Maggie Simpson ‘pop’ – before being stuffed back in again post-kiss).
Off we went to the cabin, then, and I was treated to a delectable manicure. We were just having a ‘whose husband is the worst’ competition (Hubby was a serious contender with his habit of putting his fingers in his ears and going ‘JABBER JABBER JABBER’ in a squeaky voice when you’re trying to tell him something) when M came home, announcing his arrival in his best horror movie voice-over man impression, going ’GET OWTTTTTT’ into the baby listening device. He then insisted on breathing down Liz’s neck when she was trying to apply a French manicure and making helpful comments like ‘oops, you’ve smudged it there’ and ‘oh, that bit’s not very straight’. The last straw was a conversation on waxing that threatened to get seriously out of hand until he was unceremoniously kicked out to make the tea.
Next came the most amazing facial:
Me: Will you make me look fifteen again?
Liz: You only look sixteen anyway.
Me: Ah, so you’re going to make me look a year older, then?
As usual I had to ruin any relaxing benefits by needing the loo halfway through, then leaping up at 3.30 and going ’shit! I’ve got to be in Cavan at 4!’ but it was still darned good, evidenced by the fact that I have a large red spot on both my nose and my chin this morning (sign of a thorough cleansing if ever there was one). The revelation of the day, though, was the eyebrow shape. Now usually my eyebrows are just sort of there and a bit hairy on my face (think Madonna – no, no, not ‘Lucky Star’, they’re not that bad – more ‘Ray of Light’) but after a bit of nifty tweezerage, they were transformed into beautiful neat arches, which made me wish that I could do that thing where you raise just one in a kind of ironic and slightly mysterious fashion.
Anyhoo, I now have skin as soft as a baby’s bottom, amazingly mysterious eyebrows and rather beautiful white-tipped nails. AND she wouldn’t let me pay, so in desperation I emptied my bag of my entire chocolate stash and left it on the table. Better than nothing, I guess.
And Liz, you win. Your hubby’s far more annoying than mine. xx
P.S. really enjoyed the chocolate, finished most of it off all by myself…nothing like a good binge
Liz: Ah, you’re not alone – I just noticed I started off calling you L, then ended up calling you Liz! Will have to go back and change it. Thankyouthankyouthankyou and next time take payment in cash rather than calories!! x
Lizzy: Oh yes that reminds me:
If anyone would like a rather nice pampering experience in a very cute log cabin somewhere in the wilds of the Midlands, please do drop me a line and I’ll pass your details on to Liz. Oh, but you’ll have to pay.
TC: Hmmm, is that so?