The one that never was
Now I’m always telling you about my boys: something funny they’ve said, some adventure they’ve had, their raging guitar riffs and their mad behaviour. Sometimes though, like at the wedding, they’re terrifyingly, achingly grown up and sensible: a teeny glimpse of things to come?
Hubby’s often away working, and hey, it’s the holidays, so we’ve been a bit slack about bedtimes and the like. The other night, though, I sent them up to get ready for bed, and found them not in the bathroom, but in a little huddle on #2’s bed looking a bit pensive. They’d been told off for something or other, and I’d emphasised the fact that they should respect each other a lot more as, after all, they only have each other. I snuggled in next to them and I could tell they were working up to asking me something. I stayed quiet and the conversation went a bit like this:
#1: Mum, can we ask you something?
Me: Anything. You know that.
#1: Well, you know we had a baby that died? Was it a girl or a boy?
Gulp. Okay, so we never kept it a secret from them. Hubby and I, along with thousands, nay, millions of people, lost a baby once, a long time ago.
Me: I don’t know, darling. The baby died inside me, and when it was taken away I was asleep. (This is hard, but I figure that honesty is the best policy). Actually, I like to think that it was a girl – my daughter – it feels funny to think I might have had one.
#2: Are you still sad?
Me: Yes, sometimes when i think about it I suppose I am, but then me and Daddy already had you, and soon afterwards we had #2, so we know we’re very lucky.
#1: Will we ever have another brother or a sister?
Me: No, I don’t think so now. We’re getting to be quite a grown-up family now, aren’t we. And anyway, you already think #2’s a pain – can you imagine having a new baby around messing with your guitars and drooling on your X-box?
#2: Ew. Nope.
So there you have it. With one small conversation, all sorts of memories are brought flooding back; in spite of it all, feeling so terribly sorry for the young doctor who had to give us the bad news (‘I’m sorry, we can’t find a heartbeat’), a hospital ward full of pregnant women (why do they put you there?), Hubby and I arriving home from hospital, just numb with it all, my poor Mum, devastated herself, being so brave and supportive, bouquets of flowers being delivered, sympathy cards instead of congratulations. And afterwards, back to work; awkward silences with people not knowing what to say, still having to crack on and look after a toddler. I remember the December came when the baby should have been born. I was pregnant with #2 by then, but the date was a sad one: thoughts of what could have been.
Things happen for a reason, they say, and if one small life lost should have taught me anything, it’s that I should appreciate my two little fellas all the more. That’s if I can just stop myself strangling them before they go back to school. Happy days
We have a question-boy too, who can be most relentless when you least want to face his questions!
We also have a ghost-baby, always there, and like you I was put in the freakin’ maternity ward when it happened. The unkindness of that is bewildering.
A good day to be grateful for the kids we DO have I suppose! Even when they ask these questions that body-slam your day into a tailspin.
I can’t imagine a world without that air guitar impressario…
I ‘fessed up to my Mum, years later, that I’d lost a wee baby. I was disgracefully young and by myself when it happened.
She told me about her own Mother, who lost several little ones and would always say, when the subject came up, “Blessed is the mother, whose child is given, to bud on earth and flower in heaven”
I’m still not sure which side of the corny/profound side of that divide that’s on…
Mwah Missus. X
Quicky: I guess things were different back then – my family has a few ’skeletons’ that I only found out once I was grown up. How sad to lose a twin though – I wonder if it’s true what they say about always feeling that a part of you is missing?? I think it’s nice that we talk about everything – hopefully they’ll be able to come to us as they get older – nothing being taboo and all that x
Big hugs for you!
Kate x
Sadly, there’s only me and the kids left who know about it and my son was only 3 at the time. I lost my mum last year and my ex-husband 7 years ago. You’re right, be philosophical and enjoy every day – especially back to school days – you’ll miss them I’m sure!!!!
Tara: It’s lovely to hear it from your perspective. I’d be very happy to have you caring for me and my tiny one! I wonder if the ups outweigh the downs in your job day to day?? x
Thrifty: Me too – enormously frustrating but incredibly rewarding too. I was just saying to Hubby how you never know it’s happened to other people, and yet there’s obviously a fair few of us about. And as for ’slightly flawed genes’? Never! x
Baino: Ooh, I’m that RH negative thing as well. Yes it’s awful where they put you. There should be another ward. Mind you, what would you call it? I suppose it would be just as bad to have a ‘Women Who’ve Lost Their Baby’ ward, or a ‘Don’t Mention the B Word’ ward eh?
You usually make me laugh, this morning I have a little tear for you and your commenters.
Just wanted to send hugs EM.xxx
You know how it is EM, every now and then, totally out of the blue, it just jumps up and bites you in the bum!
One of my old teachers lost her first child this way as well and, yes, she was placed on the maternity ward too. So utterly cruel.
Wee One: Too right. The only downside with having no secrets is that they tend to blurt out our personal stuff in public
My Mum lost a baby after she’d had me. Would have been a girl, the sister I never had. I often wonder how much different life would have been if she’d lived.
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When I had my #4 son, very prem and in SCBU, they put me in the post natal ward…it was awful, but not as bad as losing a baby, as happened to my sister in law.
Thanks for sharing that with us. xx
Queenie: It’s been lovely to hear everyone’s experiences and thoughts on this. I tell ye, writing a blog’s better than therapy!! Mwah xx
xxx