GUEST BLOGGER DAY: In which Moon gets greenish fingers too
And so, laydees and gennlemen, without further ado, I give you the wondrous, the gorgeous… Moon!:
Hmmm, what an honour, a guest blog spot! I am now under immense pressure to get some decent comments like EM does everyday… a lot to live up to!
Well, I thought I might enlighten you into what has happened recently in our abode in Newport Beach, CA. We rent a small house with a reasonable garden or ‘yard’ as the locals like to call it. The beautiful and recent Mrs M has green fingers, and is VERY environmentally aware, being a solar panel engineer (raised eyebrows from most men in the engineering industry, before their eyes settle on her lower assets!!)… she has demanded change in my life! Other influences to a slightly lesser degree come from EM and my sister Bugs…… you will see from photos below what I mean …..
So, to the changes ….
Mrs M: You need to lose weight…..
Me: What ????????
Mrs M: Also, we are going to spend a small fortune changing the garden….
Me: Can we tarmac it ? I know some lads……
Mrs M: Ok, and no sex ever again for you!
Me: Ok, just call me Alan Tichmarsh, where do we start ?
So, we decide on two approaches, first project, a la EM, a veggie patch. Now bearing in mind the wonderful weather we have, it should be very easy to become Mr & Mrs Good and become self sufficient, but first comes the building process, easy I think: three boards, some digging, and Bob is your mothers brother….mmm, try asking me that again after digging for 3 hours in the heat: sodding, bloody, *%**#ing thing, I am going to buy ALL our veg from the supermarket !!!!!, but, I am very proud, we got there… and we are ready to plant …. proper radish that is actually hot to taste, carrots that taste of carrots…the list goes on .. mmmmmmmmm.
So, that project finished, Mrs M decide on some flowers and other bits … oh great, can I please deposit ALL of my wages direct to Home Depot… but we decide to take a slightly different route and head for the more expensive, but morally better, local garden centre. I think I am a patient man, with a pretty good sense of humour…. clearly not !!!… How many *%#*ing different plants am I expected to look at ? Red, blue, yellow… do they die, do they need sun, shade, talking to …. ??? I don’t know and I don’t care! Mrs M does … so apparently do I. Some 104 year old lady, smelling of wee, gives us some sound advice, removes $240 from our wallets, and we trot back off home with more species of flowers and plants than the Amazon, to even more hard work!
But, I have to admit, Mrs M does have wonderful ideas and green fingers, she has transformed the ‘yard’, and I am incredibly impressed, she was also help by our neighbour who seems to like offering his advice, except for one thing, I am out there, shirtless (yes, I know I burn just reading The Sun… but it was bloody hot!), breaking my arse off digging .. any help, advice ? Not a chance. Mrs M goes out in her bikini… Bingo… who appears, a la Mr Ben but Mr ‘Next-door-neighbour-my-those-are-both-spectacular-oh-you-want-me-to-look-you-in-the-eyes’ …..?
So, to our third project, a composter. Here comes advice and motivation from DBM, I was imprisoned in her basement for three months over Chrimbo, and I was taught there, a bit like slopping out, to recycle my organic waste too… so coffee grinds, veggies etc, into a small special bin under the sink… sounds easy… “but that’s a very small bin” I think, ….Mr. DBM then allows me outside into the exercise yard to dump the waste into the Dalek at the end of the garden. Smells like poo to me, but apparently it works really well, so the next conversation goes like this ;
Mrs M: Right we are off to Home Depot
Me: Now ?
Mrs M: Yes
Me: But Nadal is about to serve for the match in the game of the century
Mrs M: No sex ………….
I’m in the car with the engine running …….
Me: Can we give some more money to Home Depot Please ?
Mrs M: sarcasm is the lowest for of wit ….
Me: Arse!
So, we get there, and ask the ever helpful people in lovely orange aprons: “where can we find a composter please”… blank look… Nope, don’t have any…grrrr, but we have things to build one …. So I casually mention my fathers DIY skills (previously mentioned by DBM) to Mrs M… ‘do they sell blu-tac?’.. She pushes me out of the store in a hurry. So we have to contact the local authorities, and they will send us one for $20, all reasonable to me!
So there you have it, the back yard is now an Oasis of wonderment….An open invitation for all to visit.
She has plans for a water feature next …. how do I get out of that ????????Moon.
25 Responses to “GUEST BLOGGER DAY: In which Moon gets greenish fingers too”
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Kudos to The Missus! Nuthin’ like a little blackmail to turn your man into a Willing Wee Boy…
Damn nice garden, by the way and I hear you about having all your cash deposited at Home Depot. Sweetie and I are building right now and Finlays Builders of Tullamore own our asses.
Home grown radishes… drooooooooool!
Note to self, “deny all fun for OH, until the work gets done!”
Lawn might be ‘poo’ but a little chicken ‘poo’ (or all that lovely compost you’re making) will see it green as well . . grass!
You guys are MARRIED now! She’s CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGED to ‘be nice’ to you after dark!
Howzat!
EM: do I get another strike for that one?
@ Kerry: Welcome to my humble abode – well, it’s Moon’s humble abode today. Yes, he’s a big drinker – he’s kind of like Ryanair – never on time, always rude, and needs lights to guide him home.
@ Jen: Ah, yes, but it hasn’t been blessed in church yet so it doesn’t count
@ Thrifty: Too bloody true – TWO strikes!!
Did you discover spellchecker for that post? Not bad, we might sort out those fat fingers afterall.
To All: Moon is an ungrateful little sod – I put him up in the best accomodation that money didn’t buy, fed him, drove him around, showed him the highlights and lowlights of this wonderful part of the world, let him watch my TV all day, I even let him sit in my chair! And what thanks do I get? Oh yes, he might try and win you over with his cheeky little comments – he has been doing that since he was knee high to a grasshopper, but trust me people, don’t let him fool you!
rightho, have to reply to everyone now don’t I ….
EM & Mum : the lawn was such a sad state, I am taking advice from Mad Uncle A, and apparently I have to be patient… We sow the seed, nature grows the seed .. etc ….
Biano : sadly no room for my planed ‘Amen Corner’… and the putting green will take some work !
ALL : you should not be witholding those rights … us men need sex like you need shoes !
Jennynib : Contracts can easily be broken, we all know what makes the world turn, and who is in control, and it aint us men !
thrifty ; good point that, maybe I can get some pigs and Cows … (mmmm, Bacon. mmmm Steaks ….. homeresque)
Kerry : When Slovakian wife designs, fits, engineers solar systems, we had to have some in the garden…No, I do not need then to get home at night after a couple of ‘piss-weak’ usa beers !
DBM : No to the spellcheacker ….. EM proof read it first !, and as for being a little sod ….. ha, I taught you to snowboard, looked after you ungrateful cats, acted as you personal Gym Instructor….look forward to your input in July x
Moon, you’re just in the wrong part of the USA, I got well hammered in Kansas on something called Fat Tyre. And in St. Louis the Bud factory actually turns out some nice stuff, good dark beers as opposed to the watered down crap they flog to most of the world. You just need to be in an area originally settled by germans.
Medbh & Sandra : Thanks to you both …. don’t think I am ready for a blog, like the idea, but EM does it so well, and she pays me huge amounts for the guest blog …
You should see him…. 8.00 am this morning. Hurricane Moon entranced my office, dancing woooo hooo laahha Aloha dance screaming:
Moon: I have 14 comments.14teeeeeeeeeeeeen
Me: What are you talking about?
Moon: 14 comments.. this is great. I love it.. I am funny!!! (big smile from ear to ear)
Me: Again! What are you talking about?
Moon.: My guest blogg…
Me: Yeh… ok. So?
Big smile and tongue hanging out running back to his PC in case there is more comments. Thank you to all, he was really in good mood all day. So there might be some Sex tonight for change.
And Moon, I am not sure if all is true but either way, can you do something about the grass. Ha.. I love you to … And can’t wait so see DBM again and get new ideas.
PS: and guess what… water fall is coming soon.
Oh, and I think he even deserves to get lucky tonight too!!
Mwah xx
x
(yes before you say it an expert with a f—– shambles of a love life true !)