ENGLISH MUM: never knowingly undercatered » Cleanliness is next to grumbliness

Apr

Cleanliness is next to grumbliness

Filed under: Diary, Greyhounds, Photos — English Mum @ 2:57 pm

So cleaning, then. What a totally pointless activity. I’ve been considering this fact recently as Hubby is away (miss you, darlin xxx) and in his absence, I have inherited the role of ‘only person who ever bothers cleaning the telly’. Hubby was always top man for this job as, well, he’s the only person who really gives a shite. And it’s his telly, and it’s bloody enormous and new-fangled and techno-fabulous (Imagine a huge great black patio door on a stick with lights all round it), and nobody else really dares touch it. He’s a bit like Bert with his bone. If you even look like you might be headed towards it, a low rumbling grumble will develop somewhere in the direction of Hubby, and said person will quickly divert and pretend they were just wandering over to look at the sheep out the window. The trouble is, the bloody thing attracts dust like you wouldn’t believe. Hubby has a special chamois leather thing, the sole purpose of which is to keep said new-fangled techno whatnot sparkling clean. I, on the other hand, sprayed a bit of Pledge on it (not the screen, I’m not THAT stupid) and pushed it around a bit. And now the dust has congealed into long streaks of sludge and looks ten times worse. Bloody cleanliness. Bloody telly.

And then, while we were out the other day, Bert decided he’d add to my woes and knock over one of my vases of birthday flowers. They were in the bay window behind the sofa and looked very pretty. When we came home they were at an odd angle and Bert was strangely not very happy to see us. Instead of silly jumps and mad wags and attempts at face licking, he scurried into the kitchen in that well known greyhound manner known as ‘better scarper, I’m in the shit’. The water from the flowers, being a week or more old, was nicely green and smelly and, mixed delicately with all the dust bunnies behind the sofa, had created an interesting pool of grey-green sludge. Well, that was the final straw. Shamed by my second pool of sludge in less than a week, I decided there and then to do some cleaning. So basically, then, I’m completely knackered. I’ve hoovered, mopped, dusted, cleaned out the fridge, chipped all the crusty toothpaste off the taps and even moved the office around so that my desk is by the window, giving me a fine view of the cows on the hill that goes down to the lough. I should point out here that my kitchen was spotless already - I can’t work in a yicky kitchen - and my beautiful, wonderful, gorgeous, shiny oven cost us so much money that I feel duty bound to remove even the teeniest speck of ick in case Hubby decides I don’t need it and takes it back to Harvey Norman.

Here’s my newly cleaned and repositioned desk. And now it’s not covered in CDs, newspapers, magazines, cookery books, phone bills, electricity bills, receipts, lottery tickets (3! I might well already be a millionaire) and various pages of my book (how’s that proofreading coming on, J?) you can see it’s made of wood. Who’d have thought it, eh?

19 Comments »

Lovely! and spotlessly clean by the looks of things…now, sit back, open the red wine and begin the process of turningit into a tip end all over again…oops is that not what everyone does?

Comment by Isitjustme? — April 7, 2008 @ 6:06 pm
Yeah, the tidiness of the house is determined by the equilibrium point of the rate at which other people in the house generate mess versus the rate at which you can be arsed cleaning it. Occasionally if you get more gumption or shout at the mess generators enough it will improve, but it will always return to the equilibrium point. I reckon that’s why one sister in law has only one child (immaculate house) and the other works full time (hates cleaning).

Comment by Thriftcriminal — April 7, 2008 @ 6:58 pm
The proofreading would be going Fab if I could stop laughing, dashing to the kitchen to see if I’ve got the ingredients for this n’ that and reading ahead, forgetting that I’m supposed to be ‘working’.

Which, in my opinion, is a serious thumbs up for ANY book.

(remember my payment terms are in signed copies and my assistant will take the toffee-squidgy-puddingy-thingy. He says you know the one he means…

SSSSSLLLLLLLLLLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRPP!!!!!!!!

Comment by Jennynib — April 7, 2008 @ 7:07 pm
I have been “tidying up” all evening in an attempt to put off essay writing. Perhaps I’ll do some “repositioning” of furniture too a la English Mum.

Comment by Annie — April 7, 2008 @ 8:01 pm
Just finished deep-cleaning the master bedroom, complete with mattress-flipping and shampooing under the bed. I was so proud.

The rest of my house is disaster (except for the kitchen and bathrooms - apparently, we think alike). The boys’ rooms look like something the scary nanny on BBC is going to show up and whittle down.

My general rule of thumb is: if my Mother showed up, would I be humiliated? I keep the house at that level…

As for the telly - I let him bother about that. I dust everything around it, but leave ITSSELF for him.

My little stab at the world…

Comment by Camron — April 7, 2008 @ 9:05 pm
I never quite live in the house that i want to keep spotless,thats always someone else’s house or a hotel room even.I am a terrible procrastinator everything gets put off till tomorrow (thats my Mums fault,i think i was supposed to have been born in June and i showed up in July.I’ve been late ever since)Needless to say my housework never really gets done.There’s always something so much more important to do, reading, telly, computer etc.I think we do it for other people.

Comment by june in florida — April 7, 2008 @ 10:24 pm
If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, then what is an empty desk a sign of?

Comment by 5h4mr0(k — April 7, 2008 @ 10:42 pm
Hi there! Found you through TC. Your blog is wonderful! Such great colours! And yay for a cleaning spree. I hate cleaning too but afterwards I feel so proud! Oh and I love your office furniture!

Comment by SleepyJane — April 8, 2008 @ 6:30 am
Isit: Aye, the vino was drunk okay, and it’s a mess again already!!

Thrifty: Hmmm…I’ve got two kids and a dog with a shoe fetish who takes muddy football boots up to make nests with on my bed. I don’t stand a chance. I do the whole shouty thing, but seeing as I’m by far the messiest in the house they just give me that sarcastic ‘I’m nearly a teenager’ raised eyebrow look.

J: Payment terms seem quite acceptable. Not sure how I’m going to post the butterscotch pudding though!! xxx

Annie: Ah yes, the ol’ tidying up to avoid something you don’t want to do syndrome. Writer’s block means that my CDs are immaculately arranged in alphabetical order!!

Cam: Ooh I’m impressed! My Ma works on the ‘clean dirt’ principle, which is that clutter, being of the ‘clean dirt’ variety, is acceptable whereas sludge isn’t. Damn.

June: That’s my problem. I walk the dog and think ‘I’ll do it after I come back’, then I think ‘phew, I’m knackered’, so I sit in front of the TV and then suddenly it’s bedtime. ‘Tis true!

5h4m: Well my desk was filthy, so I’m not sure what that says about my mind!!! x

Sleepy: Welcome! Pull up a pink chaise longue and join the party. Thanks, it’s from Woodies, which is a kind of do-it-yourself store although they sell lovely kitchen stuff and smelly candles along with electrical cable and power drills and stuff. It smelt AWFUL for ages after I bought it. It’s probably made of some bizarre stinky wood like ‘Skunk Pine’ or ‘Garbage Elm’ or something. Loved your ‘100 things’ by the way. I kept going ‘ooh, me too!’ all the time! x

Comment by englishmuminireland — April 8, 2008 @ 10:32 am
Oooh - book? Do tell…

Procrastination by tidying is actually a really effective way of getting the brain going/giving it a chance to whir away in the background and come up with brilliant things. At least, that’s what I tell myself

Comment by Wee Jen — April 8, 2008 @ 11:40 am
Jen: I like procrastinating. I like the word too. but not as much as nepotism. That’s my favourite.

Book = monster headache of the variety akin to sitting exams. I’m afraid my ‘chuck a bar of Green and Black’s in and whop it in the oven at 230, gas mark dunno’ has to morph into proper cookery lingo. Times that by lots of recipes and ohhhh it’s welcome to Nervous Breakdowntown, population you. Still, it’s done and my ravishing assistant, the small but luscious J is proofreading as I ramble. Yay.

Comment by englishmuminireland — April 8, 2008 @ 2:10 pm
What you need is a cleaner. As simple as that. Of course she/he wouldn’t be sorting out the piles of whatnot on desks/shelves, but at least there would be relatively clean surface around the piles of whatnot. Which is good enough for me.

Luckily The Ultimate Other Half is not very possessive of TVs. Or much anything else. Or his life would be pretty complicated.

Comment by Foreigner — April 8, 2008 @ 3:51 pm
Someone I know also calls it ‘displacement activity’, which I’m rather fond of Good luck with the book side of things.

Comment by Wee Jen — April 8, 2008 @ 4:51 pm
well, I have no idea of how many of you are fans of ‘Friends’ ???? Well, I live with a Monica of this world … everything is in it’s place and where it should be … I wash up, put things away, then get shouted at because the coffee Grinder is not where it should be … I won’t complain, the apartment is pretty spoltless thanks to my M, I will always be the ‘chandler’ of the relationship ….

Comment by Moon — April 8, 2008 @ 6:22 pm
Foreigner: God, I already get enough crap for being a ‘domestic engineer’. If I got a cleaner as well I think he’d fire me!!!

Wee One: Mmmm, I could change my title to Domestic Displacement Activity Co-ordinator. Then I might not get fired.

Moon: Ha. I can see you as Chandler. But…hang on…you wash up? Bloody hell - that’s it, I’m off to phone Hubby to tell him that real men DO wash up. The fibber.

Comment by englishmuminireland — April 8, 2008 @ 9:00 pm
That suggests that Moon is a real man!?!

Comment by Don't Bug Me! — April 8, 2008 @ 11:52 pm
Bugs: I bloody KNEW you’d pick up on that - was expecting it from either Hubby or you! heh heh x

Comment by englishmuminireland — April 9, 2008 @ 9:07 am
If you fancy more to do you’d be very welcome at my house ;o)

Comment by Ruth E — April 9, 2008 @ 12:14 pm
Ruth: Er no, honestly, thanks - I’m fine here making a mess!!! x

Comment by englishmuminireland — April 9, 2008 @ 12:44 pm