J’s beautiful new little niece, Alexandra, was christened today. J is ‘Da Godmother’ and I had to laugh, because teeny tiny and an absolute sweetie she may be, but J doesn’t take any sh*t off anyone, so it really is the perfect role. We had a rather long and sniggery chat about the possibility of punishment beatings to any particularly bitchy playground rivals, and God help the wee one’s potential suitors: there’ll be interviews to ascertain their suitability, and horses heads in the beds of the less fortunate to boot, no doubt.

The first casualty in J’s new regime of terror was the jeweller who was given the task of creating little Alexandra’s christening present: a bracelet engraved with her name. The trouble is, J obviously picked the only dyslexic engraver in the whole of Ireland, and ended up with a delicate little bracelet engraved ‘Alexander’. To add insult to injury, the pillock had engraved it upside down, so that the cross next to the name was inverted.

So, via this blog, J would like to appeal to any devil worshippers with a small child named Alexander, as she has the perfect present. The engraver, meanwhile, hasn’t been seen since, and is probably swimming with da fishes in a disused quarry somewhere near County Laois.

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