Remember those ghastly plastic surgery programmes where the surgeon has got that ENORMOUS canula thingy and he’s raking it up and down inside the flabby person’s stomach like he’s digging for potatoes or something, and the horrible suction machine is filling up with all that oozy yellow fat? Bleeuurrrggghh. Well, there’s a real flurry of advertising here in Ireland for this new procedure which is sort of like liposuction ‘lite’. And ok, although I’m pretty normal size, I’m alarmed to say I’ve noticed a tendency to muffin-ness in the abdominal region. I have to say if the Euro Fairy visits me in the night tonight (that, or if ma hoond, the Doofus, comes in fast at Dundalk) I’ll be signing on the dotted line.

So get this: it’s done under local anaesthetic, they insert this fibre optic laser thingy into the skin (yes okay it’s a canula, but a teeny weeny one, not that tent pole they usually use) and the laser zaps your unwanted flab which is then reabsorbed into the body gradually over the next few weeks. Yes I know it’s still surgery and yes I know it’s vain and unnecessary yada yada, but if someone said ‘hey, give us a couple of grand and I’ll make your fat disappear’ you’d probably offer to sleep with them as well as handing over your dosh. Or is that just me?

Talking of Isitjustme, she’s currently explaining to me in words of one syllable how to do stomach crunches. She reckons 100 a day should do it. Watch this space.

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