I just knew that J would have some good ones. These made me laugh out loud. And so, without any further ado (and certainly no censorship), here they are:
Dear 18 year old J,
Life Lesson # 1: It’s not love, he isn’t perfect, 10 years older than you is too damned old and eloping is a really crappy idea
Life Lesson # 2: Never, ever, ever, ever, let the sun set on a fight. Ever.
Life Lesson # 3: Save yourself an awful lot of time and heartbreak and accept these two inviolable truths: your Mother is always right and your Dad is the only boy who will ever truly love you no matter what.
Life Lesson # 4: It doesn’t matter how much of a sissy you are or how much waxing hurts. Never, ever shave below stairs.
Life Lesson # 5: Only hussies think a black brassiere and a white top is attractive; hussies and their gentleman friends.
Life Lesson # 6: Six cocktails do not make you more attractive, witty or a great dancer. Six cocktails make you very drunk indeed.
Life Lesson # 7: A boy who isn’t good enough to meet your family is a boy who isn’t good enough.
Life Lesson # 8: It’s perfectly ok and sometimes fashionable to be ‘pale and interesting’. Decent fake tan and a cure for skin cancer haven’t been discovered yet and you will regret smearing your shoulders in baby oil to sit out in the sun for the rest of your life. And every time you see a strappy top/dress.
Life Lesson # 9: It doesn’t matter how cool it looks, head banging will definitely hurt in the morning.
Life Lesson # 10: Hang on with grim determination to the only two things in life that truly matters. Your family and your friends.
J, you’re a legend.
