I was just settling down with a cup of tea to watch UKTV Food this morning when there was a knock at the door. Not the most extraordinary turn of events you may think, but when you live in the middle of bloody nowhere like we do, a knock at the door is tantamount to entertainment. There before me stood two dear old ladies with curly perms and those large, round plastic glasses that I would have called ‘NHS glasses’ but there’s none of that round here. They’d walked all the way from the village (well, I assume they had because there didn’t seem to be a car about) and that’s over a mile so I thought I’d better hear them out. This seemed like less of a charitable idea when they explained that they were campaigning on behalf of Fine Gael. Ah.

Me: ‘I’m a bit confused about Irish politics, I’m from England. What’s the difference between Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil then?’ (silently cursing the fact that I hadn’t spoken to anyone since dropping the kids off, unless you count shouting at Gary Rhodes for wasting potatoes by insisting on cutting them into stupid barrel shapes).

Them (looking suddenly interested in their orthopaedic shoes and shuffling about a lot on the doorstep): ‘Em…well, Bertie Ahern’s corrupt’, stuttered Dear Old Lady 1. ‘Yes’, said Dear Old Lady 2, catching on fast, ‘and Enda Kenny hasn’t any baggage at all’.

Me: ‘Oh, Enda Kenny - isn’t he the one with the slightly gingery hair?’

DOL1: ‘That’s right. Lovely hair he’s got. Will I give you a picture?’

Me: ‘Oh thanks. So, at the moment, the government is a coalition of PDs and Fianna Fáil, is that right?’

DOL2: ‘that’s it, pet, but we’d go with Labour

DOL1: ‘…or the Greens, they’re nice’. You can tick either of them as well, so’

Me (even more confused): ‘Er…okay then thanks’

At this juncture, DOL1 dropped all her leaflets and as I bent down to pick them up, DOL2 patted…yes, actually patted…me on the head. And off they toddled, back to the village, presumably, with me left on the doorstep none the wiser.

So, in summary then, my current understanding is that I should vote for either Fine Gael because Enda Kenny has nice hair and hasn’t any baggage, OR I can vote for Labour OR the Green Party, because they’re nice too. Mind you, I could also vote for Bertie because (aside from the suitcase full of cash issue), J says he smells lurvely. Easy, this politics lark.

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